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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Feeling sad that ex has moved on but I haven't
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Anonymous
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this is kind of a non sequitor/rhetorical thing, but does it ever amaze you that guys like your ex seem to meet women so easily? I'm not sure I'd see a guy as such a great catch if he worked all the time and had a child he rarely saw and said he never wanted to be in another relationship. That would scream "undateable" to me. Yet it seems like your ex has absolutely no problem meeting women. I have a couple of guy friends like this - they have all sorts of issues, but they are NEVER single. I feel like it would be harder for us (women) to meet guys if we worked all the time and had a child. Frankly, the single dads I know are all dating women within months of breaking up with the ex. But most of the single moms I know are perpetually single, which is a shame because these are some cool, attractive women with a lot going for them. What's up with that? Hmmm.
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Anonymous
| Very true PP. My friends have said the same thing about my ex. But the girls he is dating as just that. Girls. None of them are older than say 24 and he is coming up to 35 yrs old. They probably think it is cute that he has a child and the reason he doesn't see her that much is b/c he is always traveling and working. His life is pretty much exactly the same as it always was (except that he has to pay child support every month). He can still date one or more girls at a time, still gets to have his own life, etc. I love our DD and don't remember what life was like before her. But it would be nice for him to actually hmmm, parent her once in a while too. |
Anonymous
| Don't even get me started about the way single dads often date after a split - - I guess it's a function of them having more time off from the kids, but it does suck! There is a definite double standard when it comes to single moms vs. single dads. How is it a man in his mid 30s to mid 40s can still even DATE a woman under 25? When exactly do these women start to get a clue? Ugh, rant off. That just hit a nerve with me... it's not fair that he gets laid whenever he wants, and I'm going on 16 months in the desert. |
Anonymous
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16 months... that's bad.. sorry PP for you situation!
My situation is different but bad as everyone here 
try match.com or something like that? maybe you can find someone? I'm doing the same Good luck |
Anonymous
| OP if you daughter's dad didn't travel all the time, do you think he'd want joint time? |
Anonymous
| OP here. I don't think he would want more time. He only asks for our DD to come visit him when he has a relatively new girlfriend. The rest of the time he is around, he might come to our place if he has a day off. Nothing consistent though. I think he likes that I do all of the work and have all of the responsibility but still expects me to say "Sure you can have DD for the weekend even though you will be working and she hasn't seen you in 9 months. I don't mind your girlfriend who I've never met taking care of her while you work." |
Anonymous
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14:10 - I hear ya, sister. I went 18 months without sex and one night a couple months ago, I had the opportunity to go for it. Normally I'd hold off on sex with someone I didn't know that well (friend of a friend) for moral, emotional, health reasons. I would normally make out and maybe mess around a little, get my snuggle on. (I miss snuggling/spooning SO much.) But this time I found myself thinking, "what are you WAITING for? You haven't dated since you got pregnant! You haven't had sex since you found out you were pregnant! This guy is cute! Smart! Funny! Cuddly! How long will it be before you meet a guy who is actually worthy who likes you? Are you going to be one of those people who hasn't had sex in five years? By then you'll have it built up so much in your head that you'll be scared your hoo-ha will have closed up!"
So I had some sex. It was nice. I went out with the guy a couple more times, just long enough to (a) have sex a few more times and (b) find out that he was kind of weird, weird enough (issues!) that I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with him anyway. And (c) get really paranoid that I'd managed to get knocked up again, despite the use of both condoms and the pill. Egad.
Now that I'm a single mom, my friends have all made the "revelatory" suggestion that I should date single dads. Which I was already doing LONG before I became a single mom. I've never had a problem with guys with kids. Yet I actually meet fewer of them now than I did before. (Time constraint!) My friends don't understand that a single mom is usually in my situation - has the kids most nights of the week. A single dad is usually in the situation of having his kids once or twice a week. And he doesn't necessarily want to hang with MY kid on his nights off from his kids. I actually think my ideal boyfriend would be a single/divorced non-dad who works late most nights - he wouldn't mind that I was never available (i.e. sans kid) before 8:30 p.m. on a weeknight, and he would welcome a woman who was busy enough not to mind that he worked all the time. Or maybe someone who travels a lot and could only see me every couple of weeks - that would be ok too.
Anyway, cheers to all the single moms out there. |
Anonymous
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A single dad is usually in the situation of having his kids once or twice a week.
Really? Most single dads I know do 4-3 or even 50-50. |
Anonymous
This strikes fear in my heart. How old are the kids of the single dads you know? I don't want a 4/3 or 50/50 with my kids and stbxh. I think it's horrible on the kids to be shuttling back and forth between two houses and living out of little suitcases. It can't be good for them to have so much flux. I know it is impossible for me to enjoy a trip to my family when I have to go back and forth between my parent's and my sisters' houses. Where did I leave this, whose house are my pills at...etc. I couldn't imagine being a child and living that way. Toys, clothes, pets, two lives, really. |
Anonymous
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12:35 Well I didn't want it, DC's dad it and in DC and most jurisdictions that's the standard. All the children I know do it except for several whose parents moved away.
How far along are you in the process? If you xtb isn't pressing for this, great. |
Anonymous
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DC's dad did is what I meant to type!
If he wants it, it can work. |
Anonymous
My daughter is elem school and has a friend in this divided situation above. Daughter lives w/ me and dad comes to visit 3-4 times a week in our house, puts her to bed and then leaves. Daughter often says spontaneously how grateful she is that she doesn't have to traipse between 2 houses like her friend. I am grateful ex has allowed this; of course, it's easier for him in many ways too. |
Anonymous
| 14:29 How long have you been apart? Your daughter does no overnights at her dad's? (Traipse? Ouch from someone who believes that it's good for children to spend time at the other parent's home.) |
Anonymous
| P.S. I think everyone needs to do what works for them. That said, here's something to think about continuing this with no variation: What if you or your ex fall in love with someone? This would probably result in a change to this arrangement and your daughter might always blame the new love interest for. (Even if you try to hide it from her.) |
Anonymous
| wow,i am sorry for you AND me. i am there and it isnt a good feeling. the part about the guy asking to take my baby with him is terrifying to me. I am good with babysitting overnight, preferrably at my house, but to take my baby somewhere new and strange is just too much for me. I want my baby/child to have a stable life and to have comfort in knowing he'll wake up in the same bed everymorning...or if someplace different, the constant is that mommy is always there. I guess I should've thought this out more thoroughly when I was dating the father. sigh... |