Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your input, everybody.

I don't think that H has ADHD. He has simply been always this removed from reality concerning practical things.

He is adamant about having his own business. He says that he cannot go back to working for others.

I hope so much that in a year he will be able hire someone to do the work that I am doing, which is basically the entire management and administration. It is hard to work for somebody who doesn't want me to do that work.

And I also hope that I will find the mental strength to deal with him during the coming year until I can get out.

PP here - this is my father. He said he would die inside if he had to work for someone else (in an office). This is the "smartest man in the room" complex and I have bad news for you - it never dies. My parents couldn't pay my phone bill at times growing up because of our dire financial situation. Thankfully we never lost our house (grandparents helped, etc.) but it was always a dark cloud over us. My father and mother eventually separated and he went off living on his own still doing "his thing" (and not making much money...still) almost 30 years later (into his 70s). That's NOT where you want to end up. All that said, please do support him as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your input, everybody.

I don't think that H has ADHD. He has simply been always this removed from reality concerning practical things.

He is adamant about having his own business. He says that he cannot go back to working for others.

I hope so much that in a year he will be able hire someone to do the work that I am doing, which is basically the entire management and administration. It is hard to work for somebody who doesn't want me to do that work.

And I also hope that I will find the mental strength to deal with him during the coming year until I can get out.

PP here - this is my father. He said he would die inside if he had to work for someone else (in an office). This is the "smartest man in the room" complex and I have bad news for you - it never dies. My parents couldn't pay my phone bill at times growing up because of our dire financial situation. Thankfully we never lost our house (grandparents helped, etc.) but it was always a dark cloud over us. My father and mother eventually separated and he went off living on his own still doing "his thing" (and not making much money...still) almost 30 years later (into his 70s). That's NOT where you want to end up. All that said, please do support him as much as you can.

Op here. PP, I am sorry that you had to go through this your entire life... It is hard to see that a talented person's attitude prevents him from fulfilling his potential and giving his family a good life.

Like your mother, I too thought that I married a brilliant expert in his field. I would love to help him until the business becomes profitable, even if he doesn't want my help. We have invested more than $1m in his business.

That being said, I cannot accept tying myself to him at the expense of my own professional development. Fortunately I have good earning capabilities and I want to become financially independent a.s.a.p. Unfortunately I will have to prepare mentally to support the kids financially, too. Already surveying the condo market nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your input, everybody.

I don't think that H has ADHD. He has simply been always this removed from reality concerning practical things.

He is adamant about having his own business. He says that he cannot go back to working for others.

I hope so much that in a year he will be able hire someone to do the work that I am doing, which is basically the entire management and administration. It is hard to work for somebody who doesn't want me to do that work.

And I also hope that I will find the mental strength to deal with him during the coming year until I can get out.

PP here - this is my father. He said he would die inside if he had to work for someone else (in an office). This is the "smartest man in the room" complex and I have bad news for you - it never dies. My parents couldn't pay my phone bill at times growing up because of our dire financial situation. Thankfully we never lost our house (grandparents helped, etc.) but it was always a dark cloud over us. My father and mother eventually separated and he went off living on his own still doing "his thing" (and not making much money...still) almost 30 years later (into his 70s). That's NOT where you want to end up. All that said, please do support him as much as you can.

Op here. PP, I am sorry that you had to go through this your entire life... It is hard to see that a talented person's attitude prevents him from fulfilling his potential and giving his family a good life.

Like your mother, I too thought that I married a brilliant expert in his field. I would love to help him until the business becomes profitable, even if he doesn't want my help. We have invested more than $1m in his business.

That being said, I cannot accept tying myself to him at the expense of my own professional development. Fortunately I have good earning capabilities and I want to become financially independent a.s.a.p. Unfortunately I will have to prepare mentally to support the kids financially, too. Already surveying the condo market nearby.

PP here - Good for you. I can't imagine how hard it was for my mother 30-40 years ago. She was not college educated and was not working. I'll tell you how bad it was - my mother knew she had to do something so she started off at community college and then worked her way to a 4 year BA degree (school at nights) and eventually got a good job. She didn't have nearly your resources so I hear you on planning for yourself and kids. I don't know what your breaking point is but your H needs to understand that there will be a tipping/breaking point in all this and from that, there's very little chance of salvaging the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go talk this over with a lawyer who’ll help you figure out what your options are. You have to financially protect yourself and your kids

sorry to say but your husband sounds like a head-in-the-clouds loser.

def get to a lawyer and don't inherit any of his liabilities, debts, bills, etc. he is on the fast track to bankruptcy and PPE asset sales. his mom can take him back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound at all like a recipe for success.

He can't do it all. He needs some staff.

You working part time is likely more of a hindrance at certain points more than a help. It's hard to have someone swoop in mid work and think they know what is going on and so on.

Sit down this weekend and figure out who he needs to hire to be successful. He can hire a virtual assistant for lots of tasks if he can't afford in person. He should also hire someone to finish up the website. He can get someone remote for this task as well. You can use any of those freelancer sites and find someone who can do these tasks relatively quickly and cheaply and if it doesn't work out, it's easy to pay for the task at hand and cut your loses. No long contract needed.

He needs to hire at least one staff to work in the store front with him.

Go get whatever furniture is needed this weekend to complete the setup or just rearrange whatever you have at the moment and worry about this later.

TYPICAL GUY.

ALL IDEAS BUT NO PLANS, NO ACTION.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. There have been many other problems in the past years, so his inability to manage a business is definitely not the only reason to get out. He himself says every week (even in front of the children) that he wants to move out.

WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound at all like a recipe for success.

He can't do it all. He needs some staff.

You working part time is likely more of a hindrance at certain points more than a help. It's hard to have someone swoop in mid work and think they know what is going on and so on.

Sit down this weekend and figure out who he needs to hire to be successful. He can hire a virtual assistant for lots of tasks if he can't afford in person. He should also hire someone to finish up the website. He can get someone remote for this task as well. You can use any of those freelancer sites and find someone who can do these tasks relatively quickly and cheaply and if it doesn't work out, it's easy to pay for the task at hand and cut your loses. No long contract needed.

He needs to hire at least one staff to work in the store front with him.

Go get whatever furniture is needed this weekend to complete the setup or just rearrange whatever you have at the moment and worry about this later.

TYPICAL GUY.

ALL IDEAS BUT NO PLANS, NO ACTION.

Which is why the majority of start-ups are started and run by men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. There have been many other problems in the past years, so his inability to manage a business is definitely not the only reason to get out. He himself says every week (even in front of the children) that he wants to move out.

WTF?

OP here. Yes. He says he is tired of me criticizing him and not respecting him. It's my fault, I should not have married him. I know from the day we met that he cannot manage on his own. But I thought I could deal with that. It turns out I am totally fed up.

Thanks for all your other ideas, PPs. I'd love to help him pack his stuff, but I feel I have to stick it out and help him make his business a success, since he is the father of my kids. I do it for them, really. But it's not like they get to live the model family life anyway, I realize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. There have been many other problems in the past years, so his inability to manage a business is definitely not the only reason to get out. He himself says every week (even in front of the children) that he wants to move out.

WTF?

OP here. Yes. He says he is tired of me criticizing him and not respecting him. It's my fault, I should not have married him. I know from the day we met that he cannot manage on his own. But I thought I could deal with that. It turns out I am totally fed up.

Thanks for all your other ideas, PPs. I'd love to help him pack his stuff, but I feel I have to stick it out and help him make his business a success, since he is the father of my kids. I do it for them, really. But it's not like they get to live the model family life anyway, I realize that.

I'm realizing part of the problem is you criticizing him and showing him no respect (intentional or not). I'm sure that's making him doubling down or digging his heels in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your input, everybody.

I don't think that H has ADHD. He has simply been always this removed from reality concerning practical things.

He is adamant about having his own business. He says that he cannot go back to working for others.

I hope so much that in a year he will be able hire someone to do the work that I am doing, which is basically the entire management and administration. It is hard to work for somebody who doesn't want me to do that work.

And I also hope that I will find the mental strength to deal with him during the coming year until I can get out.

PP here - this is my father. He said he would die inside if he had to work for someone else (in an office). This is the "smartest man in the room" complex and I have bad news for you - it never dies. My parents couldn't pay my phone bill at times growing up because of our dire financial situation. Thankfully we never lost our house (grandparents helped, etc.) but it was always a dark cloud over us. My father and mother eventually separated and he went off living on his own still doing "his thing" (and not making much money...still) almost 30 years later (into his 70s). That's NOT where you want to end up. All that said, please do support him as much as you can.

My father was like this, too, and could be unbearable at times -- tantrums in the office. But, he managed to keep his business open, and has retired quite comfortably. My mom worked as his vice-president doing the financial and administrative parts of the business, though he was definitely not incompetent or uninterested in those aspects. I've always said it was a good thing he was successful, because his inability to keep his mouth shut, or be polite, would have lost him job after job after job, imo.

OP, this could go either way. I do think you need to ask him to reassure you by showing/telling you a plan, and then he needs a deadline.

[Anonymous]

My father did very similar stuff and it blew up our lives. Then he literally ran away, leaving my mom with the bills from his failed business.

Get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father did very similar stuff and it blew up our lives. Then he literally ran away, leaving my mom with the bills from his failed business.

Get out now.

Oh, and when he skates, dont count on child support. My mom never got a dime from him and I wore salvation army clothes for 6 years.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like long term plans were thought of (buying vs renting) , but were any short term plans gone through? It kind of seems that all that was thought of was the end result with a successful business. But what kind of thought was put in to how to become successful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound at all like a recipe for success.

He can't do it all. He needs some staff.

You working part time is likely more of a hindrance at certain points more than a help. It's hard to have someone swoop in mid work and think they know what is going on and so on.

Sit down this weekend and figure out who he needs to hire to be successful. He can hire a virtual assistant for lots of tasks if he can't afford in person. He should also hire someone to finish up the website. He can get someone remote for this task as well. You can use any of those freelancer sites and find someone who can do these tasks relatively quickly and cheaply and if it doesn't work out, it's easy to pay for the task at hand and cut your loses. No long contract needed.

He needs to hire at least one staff to work in the store front with him.

Go get whatever furniture is needed this weekend to complete the setup or just rearrange whatever you have at the moment and worry about this later.

TYPICAL GUY.

ALL IDEAS BUT NO PLANS, NO ACTION.

Which is why the majority of start-ups are started and run by men.

and the majority fail. but not for working capital issues the first 6 months like here!!

[Anonymous]

I heard that lots of sex will fix this. In the marriage or open marriage.