Am I just wasting my time?

[Anonymous]

There is a reason he is divorced twice. Either accept him as he is or move on. My husband said he'd never get married after his divorce and said no more kids...but it was important to me and its not been an issue since. He isn't going to change so if you want marriage you need to look elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single mom here, late 40s with an elementary-aged kid. I make enough money, attractive but could lose a few pounds.

I met a man 2.5 years ago on Match, we hit it off and have been inseparable ever since. He and my DD get along fabulously, we get along great. We practically live together, have vacationed together and basically operate like a family unit. We occasionally argue, but not often.

Here is the rub. He has been married twice and never wants to get married again. Ever. He will not commit. He said he will never be DD's step dad (her dad is in the picture). He is my boyfriend even though we act like partners in life. He is wonderful to me and DD in every way and I have never been with someone so thoughtful. No one has ever treated me this well. People mistake him for DD's dad because they are so comfortable with eachother.

Is this doomed to fail? I would be willing to get married, someday, but not yet. I guess he just wants to be able to leave easily if he gets sick of me or things go south. His divorces were ugly and extremely costly. I don't need his money, I have my own and we would both sign a prenup if it were to ever happen.

See the above bolded. This is you trying to convince yourself this thing with this guy is more than it really is. He told you he is not committed and doesn't want to be a stepdad. You keep thinking the two of you are practically married and a family unit. You love him for life. He loves you for now. You guys are in two totally different mental spaces. When, not if, this man leaves, you will be devastated.

He is being ambivalent about his feelings and this relationship, and so are you. Google it. Of course you haven't argued much, why would you when you're both ambivalent and just maintaining the status quo.

Bottom line is you're not getting the commitment you feel you need to be secure in a relationship with this man. You will never get that commitment from him. If you are okay with that, then stay. But if you choose to stay with Mr. ambivalent, you cannot keep expecting him to suddenly turn into Mr. Forever when he has told you he doesn't want that role in your life.

[Anonymous]

He says we could be together 2 more years or 20. Who knows.

This is your problem. No that you're not wearing rings. If he doesn't want the legalities of marriage, fine, but you need the life commitment. So does your child. He needs to meet you halfway. Don't allow him to make you throw out your priorities just because he won't agree to your terms. There's a middle ground here. Personally I'm pro-marriage. Non-commitment makes it too easy to leave. If he wants one foot out the door for life, he needs to be with a woman who doesn't have children.

[Anonymous]

Take some time to figure out what you need to see/hear/do in order to feel like you have the commitment you want. He has to understand that you need this as does your child. Likely given the relationship you have he will see that that's for the best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess he just wants to be able to leave easily if he gets sick of me or things go south. His divorces were ugly and extremely costly. I don't need his money, I have my own and we would both sign a prenup if it were to ever happen.

Does he say that he loves you? Is the relationship monogamous? Do the two of you communicate well? If he was unhappy about something with the two of of you or concerned would he talk it out and discuss it with you or figure hey we are only dating I can bail and set up my match profile tomorrow? I would hope if he is a decent human who is thoughtful and considerate of others with decent communication skills he would not just bail without a conversation. If he is the type that would treat someone he loves that way (bail out of nowhere), you wouldn’t want to be married to him and I doubt marriage would change that behavior.

So it seems the focus really isn’t about marriage, it’s how he communicates and if he would put any effort into working things out if you had a disagreement. Think about a long term close friend. You aren’t obligated to stay friends if it’s not working out, there is nothing legal making it hard to walk away, you can also make new friends any time. However, most people will put in effort to trying to work thru issues before walking away from best friend of x years short of it being something that they can’t forgive/crosses a big line. If he can’t feel that/do that with you, then you are wasting your time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a similar situation and had to go through a big thought process about whether I was being a fool by staying.

There are very strong societal pressures on women to get the right labels as a matter of self-respect. Pressure to get married so that it's legitimate and you're not being taken advantage of, you're now the cow being milked for free, etc. People who are completely miserable in their own marriages will condemn non-married people for not being married.

There is no "right" answer to whether or not YOU want to get married. If actual marriage is important to you there is nothing wrong with that. You have the right to determine what parameters are important to you. But if you do want to be married, you owe it to yourself and to your BF to be as honest as he's been with you and just move on, wishing him the best.

If you are GENUINELY happy with what he offers you -- continue and enjoy.

In my case, I ultimately wanted to live together and that was important to me. I wasn't sure if BF would agree (it also meant blending families in our case) and I was prepared to thank him for everything we'd had to date but move on. By the time this happened, he was ready to move in and we loved it.

At the time I did not want to get married (and he definitely did not). Fast forward a few years of living together and I was shocked when he proposed. It just felt right. I was actually not sure I wanted to do it and after some time, realized it was just a lot of fears about it, not actually not wanting it. So we got married. Been very happily married for years now.

If he's actually been married and divorced more than once, though, I think he's wise to realize it's not for him. And that's OK. And as long as day-to-day he's meeting your needs, who cares about the labels.

[Anonymous]

Lots to think about. Thanks for your perspective everyone. I am genuinely happy on many levels, so is he and so is my kid. He will probably be moving in once his place sells, partially because it is a waste to have separate households and his place is just, well, not lived in anymore. We laugh at our collective mortgages. But if he wants to keep his own place (like a man cave, which we don't have at my place) then I will be fine with that, quite fine actually (I like to be alone sometimes).

[Anonymous]

So he is going to live with you just not get married? Well, if you are ok with that, it is your call. It sounds like he doesn't Want to commit legally while having all the perks, including walking away whenever he feels like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, to answer your question, you're wasting your time if marriage is what you're looking for.

He is telling you clearly I don’t want to marry you.
Don’t introduce boyfriends to your kids.
They are temporary and you don’t want your kid to be emotionally involved.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. Well, we had an argument and he left. He kept one foot in the door so it would be easy to leave. I was obvious that I not as important as the issue we argued about, which was trivial. I am sad bc he was great, but man, I just lost all respect for him. It will be a huge adjustment but fortunately my kid is going away for weeks with family so he just won’t be here when she gets back.

Lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single mom here, late 40s with an elementary-aged kid. I make enough money, attractive but could lose a few pounds.

I met a man 2.5 years ago on Match, we hit it off and have been inseparable ever since. He and my DD get along fabulously, we get along great. We practically live together, have vacationed together and basically operate like a family unit. We occasionally argue, but not often.

Here is the rub. He has been married twice and never wants to get married again. Ever. He will not commit. He said he will never be DD's step dad (her dad is in the picture). He is my boyfriend even though we act like partners in life. He is wonderful to me and DD in every way and I have never been with someone so thoughtful. No one has ever treated me this well. People mistake him for DD's dad because they are so comfortable with eachother.

Is this doomed to fail? I would be willing to get married, someday, but not yet. I guess he just wants to be able to leave easily if he gets sick of me or things go south. His divorces were ugly and extremely costly. I don't need his money, I have my own and we would both sign a prenup if it were to ever happen.

If your dream is to get married and get access to his money, that's never going to happen.

If you're cool with being his informal life partner, than you aren't wasting your time.

But of course you want access to his money so yes, you're wasting your time.

[Anonymous]

Your stressing will break up a nice relationship. Just relax and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Well, we had an argument and he left. He kept one foot in the door so it would be easy to leave. I was obvious that I not as important as the issue we argued about, which was trivial. I am sad bc he was great, but man, I just lost all respect for him. It will be a huge adjustment but fortunately my kid is going away for weeks with family so he just won’t be here when she gets back.

Lesson learned.

8 hours ago he was about to move to your house then he is gone.
Please, next time wait until you get married to move together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Well, we had an argument and he left. He kept one foot in the door so it would be easy to leave. I was obvious that I not as important as the issue we argued about, which was trivial. I am sad bc he was great, but man, I just lost all respect for him. It will be a huge adjustment but fortunately my kid is going away for weeks with family so he just won’t be here when she gets back.

Lesson learned.

Now it’s obviously a fake post. Inseparable for 2.5 years but gone a day after you start this thread? Please.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Not a fake post. I am as shocked as you are. Obviously our relationship was not what I thought and his reasons for non committal were consistent with the most skeptical of posts.

Woman hurting here. A lot. Thanks for trashing me.

I won’t return.