Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your ethnicity?

I am white, and I have ancestors from the UK and Germany.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.

But you don't want to know where she's from. You want to know her ethnicity.

[Anonymous]

You can't derive anything from their last name and make an educated guess from there?

[Anonymous]

If they’re in 4th grade and good friends your DD will be telling you soon enough.
My DD has a knack for knowing everything about her friends. It will probably Come up where the grandparents live, where they vacation. when parents moved here, Saturday language classes, etc.

I have always thought this was a negative thing, but a coworker who is Chinese asked another coworker “what are you”to another (who it turns out was Thai descent). She said she was interested and how else would she have found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's sad that the culture of perceived microaggression has made asking someone where they are from a loaded question. I grew up understanding that this a basic conversation starter. SO much better than "what do you do?"

Agree with PP that asking if they grew up in the area is a reasonable alternative.

Well, sure, if you ask everybody, "Where are you from?" Do you do that? And what if OP's child's friend's mother answers, "Virginia"?

OP here. Yes, I do ask most new friends that. I am not from DC and I find it’s a nice chit chat topic. And if she said Virginia I would probably ask “which part?” and if she grew up around here I’d probably say “oh what high school did you go to?” This would seem like normal small talk to me.

Is it a crime to be culturally curious? Am I supposed to pretend I don’t notice? I have a good friend who is ethnically Persian but she just said so. And references it frequently. I appreciate that.

I promise I am not a troll and I’m honestly trying to do the right thing. Based on responses here, I will continue to say nothing about it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? Will it make you feel differently about this person? Will it affect the way you interact with them? Does it have any bearing whatsoever on your life at all?

Honestly, unless she brings it up, don't ask. There's no way to ask without sounding like a jerk. I will never understand some people's need to categorize everyone they meet.

I'll play devil's advocate. Categorization is something we all do as people. This situation is about the OP getting to know a family better. Do you have any close friends for whom you do not know anything whatsoever about their place of birth and their family background? How do you go from acquaintance to friend? Did you do it by MYOB all the time? Even loaded topics can be broached if done for the right reason, and in the right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.

But you don't want to know where she's from. You want to know her ethnicity.

Well, I am curious if the mom grew up here, yes. Does that make me a bad person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't derive anything from their last name and make an educated guess from there?

OP here. Like I said, I think they are most likely Indian.

[Anonymous]

I have a very southern accent. It's often the first thing people ask me about when they meet me. I'm not sure how it's any different. Most people enjoy talking about themselves. "You have a beautiful accent!" is certainly not offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.

But you don't want to know where she's from. You want to know her ethnicity.

Well, I am curious if the mom grew up here, yes. Does that make me a bad person?

So just casually ask, "Did you grow up around here?"

THAT is a normal question. But if she answers, "No, I grew up in Wisconsin" then you need to leave it lie.

Asking if someone grew up in the area is a 100% normal question. Pressing to find out where they are REALLY from is racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't derive anything from their last name and make an educated guess from there?

OP here. Like I said, I think they are most likely Indian.

I feel like this is precisely why you shouldn't ask. The assumptions are already set in your brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't derive anything from their last name and make an educated guess from there?

OP here. Like I said, I think they are most likely Indian.

Then roll the dice and say, "Oh, your surname is Chopra is that Indian?"
Worse case scenario they say no actually we're Native Alaskans but people make that assumption all the time - problem solved.
Stop being a wuss and ask already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.

But you don't want to know where she's from. You want to know her ethnicity.

Well, I am curious if the mom grew up here, yes. Does that make me a bad person?

So just casually ask, "Did you grow up around here?"

THAT is a normal question. But if she answers, "No, I grew up in Wisconsin" then you need to leave it lie.

Asking if someone grew up in the area is a 100% normal question. Pressing to find out where they are REALLY from is racist.

[Anonymous]

You can't ask Chinese, Thai or Korean people where they are from, they get super pissed.

You can ask other Asians like Indian, Pakistan, Filipino etc...

You can ask Hispanic people also. (Of course, if they are DACA or something, they might be sensitive for a few more years.)

Most Africans are west African... and have family back home. Best way to ask is to ask where they went to school, they will say England and explain they are West African.

You say, so where did you grow up... if they grew up here you can say, do all your siblings live in the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they’re in 4th grade and good friends your DD will be telling you soon enough.
My DD has a knack for knowing everything about her friends. It will probably Come up where the grandparents live, where they vacation. when parents moved here, Saturday language classes, etc.

I have always thought this was a negative thing, but a coworker who is Chinese asked another coworker “what are you”to another (who it turns out was Thai descent). She said she was interested and how else would she have found out.

That’s a lot of assumptions about travelling “back home”, Saturday school, etc. Not all immigrants do that. I came here at the age of 12 and speak with a slight accent. If you asked my DD where her grandparents live, she’d say “Virginia”, she doesn’t do “Saturday school” for my native language, I haven’t been back to where I’m from in over 20 years, etc. and notice how I didn’t use the word “home” to describe the country where I am from - I’ve lived here in the US for more than 2/3 of my life so this is home. My kids know the country I am from, but I am fairly certain that they wouldn’t think to bring it up unless asked very pointedly.