Fiancee with moderate income insists on private school for daughter

[Anonymous]

I think you and the other posters may be overlooking one key factor - the child's father. Your fiancé and her ex may have an agreement in place regarding the private school. She may have agreed to pay half of private school tuition. If they share custody, her ex gets input into where his child goes to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you and the other posters may be overlooking one key factor - the child's father. Your fiancé and her ex may have an agreement in place regarding the private school. She may have agreed to pay half of private school tuition. If they share custody, her ex gets input into where his child goes to school.

There is nothing in writing about this in their separation/divorce agreement, although you are correct that they have to agree. I think the father went to private school his whole life, so may be pressuring her to do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

1. I can't fault your fiancee for wanting the best for her daughter, especially following a divorce. (She ought, however, look at financial aid options--she may qualify). We live in an area with allegedly excellent public schools and have been sorely disappointed in the quality of education.

2. You express no concern whatsoever for your soon-to-be-stepdaughter's well-being.

3. You need to have a serious conversation with your fiancee about financial expectations, division of assets/income, etc. It certainly doesn't sound like you've done so.

4. In short, this is your collective problem, not just "her" problem. You're not treating it as such.

This is not a prestigious school - just expensive. The public schools in her area have an excellent reputation and she would be going to school with friends in her neighborhood as opposed to the long drive to the private school. If they go for private later, I think they get much more bang for the buck in middle/high school, where colleges would care about the brand name.

I care very much for the step-daughter's well-being - I just don't think my fiancee should sacrifice her retirement and financial future for this.

You're correct that we need to have a talk. What I was hoping to gain on this board is some opinions about how to open up that dialogue.

PP here. No offense intended, but you still seem to be bypassing key issues:

1. School is not, IMO, an issue of prestige. Rather, it's an issue of best fit for a kid, particularly the young child of divorced parents. Certainly, you should feel free to discuss the options, but your focus on "prestige" and "brand names" are misplaced (as perhaps is your certitude that the child would be well off at publics).

2. It's odd, don't you think, that you're referencing "her" financial future and retirement. Isn't it "your" (collective) financial future and retirement? Seems to point again to a core underlying issue--you apparently view your fiancee's financial situation and daughter as "her" problem/responsibility.

I know that some married couples maintain entirely separate finances and if that's your approach, so be it. But be explicit about it and make sure your fiancee agrees. FWIW, this approach has never made a lick of sense to me for the reasons evident here--are you going to leave your 78 YO wife working at Wal-Mart while you sip Dom in Nevis?

3. As far as how to start the dialogue, it ought be part of a general discussion about money and life plans. Will we share accounts/income/expenses? What are mutual expectations for income/career/housing/retirement, etc? Your specific discussion about fiancee's debt and kid's school should flow naturally from the above conversation--it's a subset of the broader topic.

[Anonymous]

Your money and spending habits reflect your values. I recommend having a dialogue about your values and what is most important to spend your time, money, and effort on... and that will open up the conversation. Be prepared she may not value some of the things you spend money on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

1. I can't fault your fiancee for wanting the best for her daughter, especially following a divorce. (She ought, however, look at financial aid options--she may qualify). We live in an area with allegedly excellent public schools and have been sorely disappointed in the quality of education.

2. You express no concern whatsoever for your soon-to-be-stepdaughter's well-being.

3. You need to have a serious conversation with your fiancee about financial expectations, division of assets/income, etc. It certainly doesn't sound like you've done so.

4. In short, this is your collective problem, not just "her" problem. You're not treating it as such.

This is not a prestigious school - just expensive. The public schools in her area have an excellent reputation and she would be going to school with friends in her neighborhood as opposed to the long drive to the private school. If they go for private later, I think they get much more bang for the buck in middle/high school, where colleges would care about the brand name.

I care very much for the step-daughter's well-being - I just don't think my fiancee should sacrifice her retirement and financial future for this.

You're correct that we need to have a talk. What I was hoping to gain on this board is some opinions about how to open up that dialogue.

PP here. No offense intended, but you still seem to be bypassing key issues:

1. School is not, IMO, an issue of prestige. Rather, it's an issue of best fit for a kid, particularly the young child of divorced parents. Certainly, you should feel free to discuss the options, but your focus on "prestige" and "brand names" are misplaced (as perhaps is your certitude that the child would be well off at publics).

2. It's odd, don't you think, that you're referencing "her" financial future and retirement. Isn't it "your" (collective) financial future and retirement? Seems to point again to a core underlying issue--you apparently view your fiancee's financial situation and daughter as "her" problem/responsibility.

I know that some married couples maintain entirely separate finances and if that's your approach, so be it. But be explicit about it and make sure your fiancee agrees. FWIW, this approach has never made a lick of sense to me for the reasons evident here--are you going to leave your 78 YO wife working at Wal-Mart while you sip Dom in Nevis?

3. As far as how to start the dialogue, it ought be part of a general discussion about money and life plans. Will we share accounts/income/expenses? What are mutual expectations for income/career/housing/retirement, etc? Your specific discussion about fiancee's debt and kid's school should flow naturally from the above conversation--it's a subset of the broader topic.

These are excellent points, thank you.

Right now, I am gauging whether our money styles are compatible in the long run - I have kids of my own and could never afford private school, even if I believed it would be a "best fit." I pay a premium to live in an area with excellent schools and my kids are happy there, so I've never had to make a choice.

[Anonymous]

If it is the first year after the divorce then I think one more year at the private is ok, but then go to her inbounds school. The tuition isn't worth it until middle/high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

Her plan is you.

+1 that's what I thought too. She seems to look somewhere else for financial stability.
It's not your kid. I wouldn't get involved just draw a line.

[Anonymous]

Do you have children?

If not, let it be. She was doing what she was doing before you met. If she chose to not save so her daughter could go to certain school, you aren't really in a position to send the daughter elsewhere.

Either suck it up and welcome her into your family, setting a budget that you can live by together with this expense, or realize it won't work. The only way I can see differently is if you have school aged kids in public.

And I say this is someone who is very pro public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children?

If not, let it be. She was doing what she was doing before you met. If she chose to not save so her daughter could go to certain school, you aren't really in a position to send the daughter elsewhere.

Either suck it up and welcome her into your family, setting a budget that you can live by together with this expense, or realize it won't work. The only way I can see differently is if you have school aged kids in public.

And I say this is someone who is very pro public school.

Yes, I have two kids who attend public school.

[Anonymous]

She might count on an inheritance for retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might count on an inheritance for retirement.

Her family doesn't have much money, don't think that was a plan.

[Anonymous]

You say she is recently divorced. Has her daughter always gone to this school? I can imagine the parents don't want to pull a first second or second grader from her school/routine right after a divorce.

And it can be hard to get back on your feet financially after a divorce. But it sounds like she is self-sufficient for now, she just isn't saving.

I say cut her loose. She and her daughter can do a lot better than some dude who doesn't see himself as part of her future.

Your fiancee needs to kick the football down the road for a little bit to help her young daughter's needs right now. Accept it or move on.

[Anonymous]

As the mother of a child with gifts and disabilities who seriously considered private school, I can only advise you to continue trying to persuade her out of her poor financial choices.
We send our children to a highly reputable school district, and *are not perfectly happy with it*, but it's the best we can afford with retirement and college to save for. ALSO, we analyzed private school curriculae, discussed it with other private school parents, and realized that the grass wasn't always greener there! Just because it's private doesn't mean it's better.

The truth is that parenting and education begins and ends at home. As a parent, she has to be willing and able to put in the work: discuss current events at the dinner table, curate a reading list of classics for her daughter, give her cursive to practice, writing assignments during the summer, math problems throughout the year... the reality is that schools in the USA don't really prepare kids for international competition and the top colleges. Parents have to step in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

If she didn't marry you - what was the plan she had? Just wing it?

Does she stand to increase her income in the coming years? How old will she be when child is out of private and college? Young enough to contribute a lot at that time?

She is newly divorced. To her credit, she no longer uses a credit card and is making a dent in the small amount of cc debt she had (it was due to fertility treatments). She then plans to tackle the student debt. If she didn't have the private school tuition she could probably eliminate all cc debt and student loans on her own in about five years.

She is in her late 30s.

LOL. She had fertility treatments and had a baby and then divorced? Run!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancee is divorced and has a seven year old daughter. Although she has an income well below six figures - and lives in an excellent school district - she insists on splitting private school tuition with her ex. Unfortunately, she then has no money to contribute to retirement or do much else other than pay her rent and basic expenses.

What can I do to get her to realize that she needs to plan for her future? She has no assets and a fair amount of student loan debt as well.

If she didn't marry you - what was the plan she had? Just wing it?

Does she stand to increase her income in the coming years? How old will she be when child is out of private and college? Young enough to contribute a lot at that time?

She is newly divorced. To her credit, she no longer uses a credit card and is making a dent in the small amount of cc debt she had (it was due to fertility treatments). She then plans to tackle the student debt. If she didn't have the private school tuition she could probably eliminate all cc debt and student loans on her own in about five years.

She is in her late 30s.

LOL. She had fertility treatments and had a baby and then divorced? Run!

Well, had a baby and divorced five years later. No idea what your comment means.