Wife Works, Husband Doesn't - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's just me... Or maybe it's because it's 2:48am....but, this post cannot be real. Or, if it is....do not have children. Because if you can't figure this out, your poor kids will have no chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the impression that this entire thread has been created by one person have a conversation with him/herself.

+1. Troll fail.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm going to get right to it:

If DH is this lazy and entitled now, what do you think he will be like with kids? (hint: lazy and entitled).

I would leave him.

[Anonymous]

OP, Your DH is not lazy but he does not value the same things you do. I am a former govt employee SAHM who always wanted to be a writer. Left to my own devices I would read and write all day. Your DH probably feels that same.

But unlike me he does not have kids aged 6,3,1 to force him to cook, clean, and do childcare instead. He does not care about renovating your house and never will although, ironically, he enjoys the results of your work. He is taking advantage of the opportunity you provide to do what is important to him. He will continue to do so. If we had no kids DH would expect me to work full-time. I think you began your relationship with different expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can have kids, but wife will do all the work raising them. She can't have it all, and she can't expect the DH to be a different person. He has shown you who he is, now your move.

+1

You will do alllll the work

[Anonymous]

Your gender roles are reversed, and as much as everyone will flame me for saying so, these are deeply ingrained and play a big role in sexual chemistry and happiness. It sounds as if OP is tired of being the man. I am sure her DH feels somewhat emasculated by his dependency and this has led to his depression. I suspect DW is tired of looking at DH's vagina. Sadly, it sounds like DH won't find his balls again until he's forced to by the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Minus the lack of help with house renovations, this sounds like Stephen King.

[Anonymous]

On the off chance this isn't a troll post, I'd say it's time for a trial separation and for both parties to do some serious thinking about who they are, what they want, and what they are willing to compromise. There are a lot of ways to make this scenario work, but it has to start with both people being on the same team. The fundamental flaw with this relationship - as shown on the Internet anyway - is that these two people are not on each others' sides.

[Anonymous]

As an academic, I would tell him to publish three articles based on his five years of research within the next year. Then, I would have him apply for positions that support independent research. There are a lot of such spots available in DC. Also, approach publishing entities regarding the possibility of a book.

The p

[Anonymous]

Sorry, iPhone.

The point is something needs to come of all this research---a book, a fellowship, a few articles. This is what differentiates a meaningful scholarly endeavor from a hobby.

One you support, the other should never be allowed to supplant a full-time job.

[Anonymous]

I call troll -- I bet the H works and the W doesn't. I see nothing wrong with a spouse working primarily on a book -- sometimes a book could make millions. But the question is how the couple values each other and it sounds like they don't. She doesn't respect his work. He should help on the renovation, but it should not have to be his primary responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll -- I bet the H works and the W doesn't. I see nothing wrong with a spouse working primarily on a book -- sometimes a book could make millions. But the question is how the couple values each other and it sounds like they don't. She doesn't respect his work. He should help on the renovation, but it should not have to be his primary responsibility.

What, since this isn't the 50's, there's no way the wife works more AND cares more about home improvement?

Look, 03:07 is right on. At what point did you decide, 'I am going to marry this man who isn't a career ladder-climber like me?' DH is neither lazy nor mooching off of DW - I mean, if DW works all the time, DH would be the one to pick up the slack with kids. Did you never honestly have that conversation? Or did you think he'd 'snap out of it' and all of a sudden decide he wanted to thrust himself into a career?

DW I think you lack a connection and communication with DH. I don't understand how you can get this far and be resentful. Yes maybe he is overwhelmed by the home...and prefers to spend time on his research...but that's who he is. As a couple you need to figure out how to get on the same page about realistic expectations for each other. Set a schedule of projects and AGREE on it - say saturday from 9-1 you work on the house, then you do something fun and relaxing in the afternoon. TOGETHER. That way you're not both doing your own thing all the time. You two are different - and that is GOOD thing. But you need to recognize that and learn how that can contribute to your relationship, rather than finding all the problems.

[Anonymous]

OP, what was the plan when you married?

Can you pay for someone to renovate the house? Or, if he's not on board with the fixer upper, dump it?

What does his research relate to? Is there a possibility that it could get, I don't know, "picked up" and result in a benefit to your family?

Bottom line, despite all this he did/she did, do you still love him? Maybe that is what you need to figure out. If you love him then I would do what you have to to work it out. If your love is dead then no, I would stop supporting him. If he is not contributing equal effort to the overall marriage, I would not be able to live with that. The lack of sex stems from th e overall anger and emotional disconnect you both have going on. It is a turn off.

In the meantime I would 1) see a therapist and 2) think good and hard about changing my own job to one that I don't hate. Even if it means a pay cut. Do this BEFORE any divorce so that you are not stuck paying alimony from your current, hated job. If it means you sell the house, so be it. If it means a loss on the house, so be it. Life is too short to be miserable. I don't think you are a gold digger.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect BOTH partners to contribute to the marriage inc. economics.

[Anonymous]

I think that maybe the wife should have married someone who planned to work full-time at something that made him a decent living, so she wouldn't feel so pressured to fund their lifestyle while also renovating their house. And the husband should have married someone who is more of a free-to-be chick who doesn't really care that he doesn't provide money OR time.

I also think they shouldn't have kids together or this will get worse.

[Anonymous]

You haven't told us anything that's good about your marriage.