can't move on with life.

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks for all of your support. In lots of ways, this is a lonely struggle and that makes it worse. Even in the waiting rooms at these fertility places, nobody looks at each other. It's like we're all embarassed about our problem--even among those that have the same problem. Feeling a bit better today, especially after reading all of the supportive comments and hopeful stories. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for all of your support. In lots of ways, this is a lonely struggle and that makes it worse. Even in the waiting rooms at these fertility places, nobody looks at each other. It's like we're all embarassed about our problem--even among those that have the same problem. Feeling a bit better today, especially after reading all of the supportive comments and hopeful stories. Thanks!

I think of this often. Sometimes I look around and wonder if those women are indeed you all -- the virtual friends who've been so supportive on this board. I hope so!

As for why we don't usually look at each other, I see it much more as a privacy issue than an embarassment issue. Personally, I'm not embarassed at all to be there. But it's often a little stressful and my mood ranges from hope to worry, sometimes within the minute. So connecting with others is pretty much impossible as I'm really just trying to stay relaxed and calm.

That said, we all really do seem have each others' back on this one. I thrive off of other people's TTC success stories on this board, especially the people who've taken very long roads to get there. All the best, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will be the first to admit I don't understand those who keep up the TTC battle for 5+ years or longer. At some point, don't you ever stop to think - do I want a baby or do I want to be pregnant? Pregnancy lasts such a short time and while I am sure its a beautiful experience for some its not the end all be all of the world. In the long run, if you really do want a family, then plan to have one - egg donor/sperm donor, donor embryo, surrogacy, adoption - all are viable alternatives. I have never known anyone who choose any of those methods to say they regretted their child.

First, OP, hugs. As you can see from responses, you're not alone, many have felt despair and anger and not wanted life to go on without getting pregnant. There was definitely a time when I felt this way. I bolded the above because I think it's worth thinking about. We can get so focused on one thing that we've worked towards or wanted and that we equate with happiness. Getting pregnant is one; I have seen friends truly feel as though they don't want to move on unless other things happen (a certain job, weight loss, etc.). There are a lot of ways to have a family and if that's what you want, focus your energies to other means of getting the end game you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks for all of your support. In lots of ways, this is a lonely struggle and that makes it worse. Even in the waiting rooms at these fertility places, nobody looks at each other. It's like we're all embarassed about our problem--even among those that have the same problem. Feeling a bit better today, especially after reading all of the supportive comments and hopeful stories. Thanks!

OP - you remind me of myself 18 months ago. TTC was the worst 2.5 years of my life. It seemed that everyone else was "moving on" with life, and I was stuck in neutral. And, what made just so awful is that that it is so, so lonely. You can't go to your friends every 30 days and say "I'm mourning my potential pregnancy". I was actually relieved when I miscarried (not that I obviously wouldn't have preferred to stay pregnant) because it was at least something I could point to as a loss and get some sympathy from friends and family. It also put me in the "normal" category.

I don't have great words of wisdom -- I started a blog (totally unrelated to pregnancy) and tried to keep myself busy learning new, fun skills, but deep-down I knew it was just a cover. I finally had a successful IVF and now have a son. I'm now going back to my RE to try to conceive my second child and realizing how dramatically less emotional the whole process is. I sincerely hope you have a good outcome like I did!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be the first to admit I don't understand those who keep up the TTC battle for 5+ years or longer. At some point, don't you ever stop to think - do I want a baby or do I want to be pregnant? Pregnancy lasts such a short time and while I am sure its a beautiful experience for some its not the end all be all of the world. In the long run, if you really do want a family, then plan to have one - egg donor/sperm donor, donor embryo, surrogacy, adoption - all are viable alternatives. I have never known anyone who choose any of those methods to say they regretted their child.

First, OP, hugs. As you can see from responses, you're not alone, many have felt despair and anger and not wanted life to go on without getting pregnant. There was definitely a time when I felt this way. I bolded the above because I think it's worth thinking about. We can get so focused on one thing that we've worked towards or wanted and that we equate with happiness. Getting pregnant is one; I have seen friends truly feel as though they don't want to move on unless other things happen (a certain job, weight loss, etc.). There are a lot of ways to have a family and if that's what you want, focus your energies to other means of getting the end game you want.

Totally agree with the bolded parts. I coped by doing egg donation -- the odds are incredibly high. I never, and I mean NEVER. think that my beautiful three kids are not mine. I really can't imagine loving them any more than I do now. I grew them and gave them birth.

Just my story.

[Anonymous]

PP here -- wanted to mention that I told no one that I was doing egg donation. It is nobody's business, but it did make me realize I shouldn't have shared all my failure stories bc people may figure out what I did (especially at my age).

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I don't know if there are any words of wisdom, either. But what helped me was to cry it out, try to forgive yourself, and pray. It was tough after my first failed IVF cycle. My husband tried to say the right things, but anything he said came out wrong (at least I heard it that way).

I hated myself for my body failing me. It's still a struggle & I know my husband still doesn't "get it". He's ok if we never conceive. I can't imagine my life without having a child.

We are gearing up for round 2 of IVF. i'm doing acupuncture this time.

Take it day by day & know there are a lot of people rooting for you!

hugs

[Anonymous]

It will get better. It did for me.

I did get to the place where I decided enough was enough and moved on to adoption. But first I went through a mourning/grieving time that was separate from my getting to the place to open to adoption. There were some books I liked and I went to counseling. Both gave me the time and space to mourn and gather my thoughts about what to do next with my life.

99% of what friends and family said in attempts to be helpful were not helpful. I don't know why exactly. Maybe because my pain was so deep and I guess unique to me. The 1% that was helpful were the general/non-specific supportive, empathic comments and actions. For me, less was more in this case.

Take good care of yourself. You deserve it.