Physical child custody modification

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks again guys. My friends off line and family have equally said to not go for 49-51 and to go for 50-50.

Tell her you want full custody or 50-50. Hire an attorney to have in case you have to fight it. Do not move out of the house and tell her if she wants to separate she can move out. There is no reason you should be forced to move until a judge orders it. If she doesn't want to live with you, she's within her right to move out.

Come up with a list of assets and make an offer on how to split them equally. 50-50. If you want to keep the house, make a plan to buy her out.
If she wants the house, tell her that she'll need to buy you out and give her a timeline to get a loan or you take more of the assets.

Come up with a custody agreement. Every few day switch, every week switch with a visit on Wednesdays, etc.

Don't just sit back and wait for her to come up with an agreement. If you google agreements, you can probably find samples online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

How is this good for the kids, that they have to sit at the dad's house, alone (probably in a small apartment), instead of being with their mom or doing activities/friend hangouts that the dad won't be able to drive them to... just so that dad can say he 'has" 50/50. At that age, it sounds like torture to go back and forth between houses half the time. Think about what's best for them... having a primary home, and then spending actually QUALITY time with the dad, when dad is available to actually do things with them.

Or, the primary home could be with Dad and mom pay child support so he doesn't have to get a second job. You don't spend quality time seeing your dad a few hours a week or month. You may tell yourself that is ok for your kids but it's not good enough.

Mom wants the divorce. Dad should sit tight and if Mom doesn't want to live with him, SHE should move out and get an apartment. Dad shouldn't get a second job as it will just go to taxes and child support and if he does, he needs to do it cash/under the table. This is terrible advice to give up your kids. If mom is spiteful and vindictive, she will without any contact and OP will never see his kids again. There is no reason why Dad should give Mom the house and move out. She wants the divorce, she can move out till the court orders the sale if he cannot buy her out.

PP. Yes I think that's fine for dad to not move out or file, so he continues living with the kids until she files, since she's the one who wants it. They should have a primary parent and household. Usually that's the mom, it could in theory be dad, but it definitely shouldn't be dad going for 50/50 custody just for the sake of having it, so the kids can be miserable moving back and forth and not even seeing him most nights. Agree in his case if there's no abuse, don't move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

How is this good for the kids, that they have to sit at the dad's house, alone (probably in a small apartment), instead of being with their mom or doing activities/friend hangouts that the dad won't be able to drive them to... just so that dad can say he 'has" 50/50. At that age, it sounds like torture to go back and forth between houses half the time. Think about what's best for them... having a primary home, and then spending actually QUALITY time with the dad, when dad is available to actually do things with them.

Or, the primary home could be with Dad and mom pay child support so he doesn't have to get a second job. You don't spend quality time seeing your dad a few hours a week or month. You may tell yourself that is ok for your kids but it's not good enough.

Mom wants the divorce. Dad should sit tight and if Mom doesn't want to live with him, SHE should move out and get an apartment. Dad shouldn't get a second job as it will just go to taxes and child support and if he does, he needs to do it cash/under the table. This is terrible advice to give up your kids. If mom is spiteful and vindictive, she will without any contact and OP will never see his kids again. There is no reason why Dad should give Mom the house and move out. She wants the divorce, she can move out till the court orders the sale if he cannot buy her out.

PP. Yes I think that's fine for dad to not move out or file, so he continues living with the kids until she files, since she's the one who wants it. They should have a primary parent and household. Usually that's the mom, it could in theory be dad, but it definitely shouldn't be dad going for 50/50 custody just for the sake of having it, so the kids can be miserable moving back and forth and not even seeing him most nights. Agree in his case if there's no abuse, don't move out.

Mom wants the divorce. She can give up custody if she doesn't think 50-50 is best. Why should he lose his kids because she chooses divorce. He should not move out or make any alternative plans except till a judge orders it. This is their shared home. If she doesn't want to live with him, she can move out. He's under no obligation to leave because she wants him to leave. It sounds like it's a money issue. They can be fine on both incomes, but he makes more not only will he lose her income as shared household income but because she makes less, he'll pay child support, health insurance and lots of extras and he simply cannot afford to maintain their lifestyle like that without a second job. But, if he takes a second job by the time they take child support and taxes out of that second income, there may not be a huge benefit to him working a second job.

They need to share custody. It should not be a primary parent and household. It's not healthy for kids to lose their Dad. If she feels that way, she can give up custody to him. Then, child support will not be an issue and he may not need to work a second job.

[Anonymous]

OP: you are getting excellent advice in this thread.

[Anonymous]

I see how you want to take care of your family op, I think she’s a fool to leave you. But pp’s are right, absolutely keep 50/50. It will be the default anyway. Sell the house and you guys can rent townhouses till you get on your feet. Her parents may very well help her with housing for all you know. Tricky thing is how to split is retirement. Sometimes one spouse takes house and other keeps the larger retirement. But regardless time to guard your precious role as a dad. Kids don’t care about money as much as you think. She will figure out her things in her own. Judge might decide she’s underemployed too.

[Anonymous]

Also do NOT agree to let her take the kids out of state to go live with her parents or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see how you want to take care of your family op, I think she’s a fool to leave you. But pp’s are right, absolutely keep 50/50. It will be the default anyway. Sell the house and you guys can rent townhouses till you get on your feet. Her parents may very well help her with housing for all you know. Tricky thing is how to split is retirement. Sometimes one spouse takes house and other keeps the larger retirement. But regardless time to guard your precious role as a dad. Kids don’t care about money as much as you think. She will figure out her things in her own. Judge might decide she’s underemployed too.

Townhouses aren't necessarily cheaper so that may not be an option.

If she's initiating the divorce, she can move out. If she's working she probably isn't underemployed just not making that much. He probably will not pay alimony but will child support.

[Anonymous]

50:50 all the way

My boyfriend worked three jobs after his divorce to pay for things and pay for his kid.

He worked 40 hours a week selling welding supplies. Then he worked grocery store stocking. Then he worked overnight inventory counting for RGIS. He ended up becoming a supervisor for RGIS. Grocery store stocking and working on inventory counting crews are good second and third jobs for divorcing men.

Things are easier for him now.

Go for 50:50. You can make it work. You've got this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50:50 all the way

My boyfriend worked three jobs after his divorce to pay for things and pay for his kid.

He worked 40 hours a week selling welding supplies. Then he worked grocery store stocking. Then he worked overnight inventory counting for RGIS. He ended up becoming a supervisor for RGIS. Grocery store stocking and working on inventory counting crews are good second and third jobs for divorcing men.

Things are easier for him now.

Go for 50:50. You can make it work. You've got this.

OP should not get a second job until after child support is ordered or it will be factored into child support. Between child support and taxes, he will see very little of the money from the second job.

[Anonymous]

You will pay a LOT more child support if you don’t do 50/50. Like hundreds or even $1k more a month.

Go to a lawyer. Do a consultation for 2 hours. It should be in the hundreds. Have them advise on alimony, child support, custody, assets, etc. You can get a separation agreement outline and go through it item by item. And ask people online. You want to be prepared and get what you’re legally entitled to.

[Anonymous]

You will get 50/50. Those are older kids. Judge may even talk to them. Ex getting a lawyer won't be much help to her, just waste of money.
I have been through low income divorce. Everyone will be ok. I did it without lawyer, he got one but was such a waste of money. Judge told everyone what to do. There's some mediation happening in next room to the bench.
You two have nothing to divide, but the time with the kids. You may not even have to pay child support. My ex had to pay $400 a month on low income in DC.
He hasn't for the last 10 years and I'm fine with it.
As for a job, get a restaurant job after all this is over. You can make $30-40 an hour or even more in DC.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks a lot guys. Really good advice. I'll go for 50/50 and figure out the financial situation later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will get 50/50. Those are older kids. Judge may even talk to them. Ex getting a lawyer won't be much help to her, just waste of money.
I have been through low income divorce. Everyone will be ok. I did it without lawyer, he got one but was such a waste of money. Judge told everyone what to do. There's some mediation happening in next room to the bench.
You two have nothing to divide, but the time with the kids. You may not even have to pay child support. My ex had to pay $400 a month on low income in DC.
He hasn't for the last 10 years and I'm fine with it.
As for a job, get a restaurant job after all this is over. You can make $30-40 an hour or even more in DC.

His income is much higher than mom's so he will pay child support. It sounds like they have the house and other assets, like retirement but not huge savings.