My DH views parenting as optional

[Anonymous]

Chores. Try doing more chores around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you’d be better off without him. Talk to a lawyer.

Wow thanks have you thought about starting an advice column?

Np. What advice are you looking for? You had a child with a man unwilling to parent. So it’s now all on you.

Seriously, call the WaPo, you are so talented

She’s more talented than someone who chose to have a baby with a loser.

+1

[Anonymous]

My husband worked for a company like this for almost 20 years. In year 17, I told him to find another job at another company if he wanted to stay married to me. He had established himself enough in his field that the constant hazing should have ended.

It took him two years of continuous interviews but he just found a new job that isn’t like this last month. We are all getting used to it and it’s been a huge improvement in our marriage and in our family as a whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends what he does for a living. ER doctor in a small town with the next closest ER an hour away? Yeah.

Random desk dude at a big company? That's different.

Agree. I’m PP and the spouse I am describing is a corporate manager/VP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you’d be better off without him. Talk to a lawyer.

Wow thanks have you thought about starting an advice column?

Np. What advice are you looking for? You had a child with a man unwilling to parent. So it’s now all on you.

Seriously, call the WaPo, you are so talented

She’s more talented than someone who chose to have a baby with a loser.

+1

Omg y'all, stop wasting these nuggets of wisdom on DCUM. You have to milk it. You're giving away the store.

[Anonymous]

Create an event in the family calendar and sent him an invite to his work address. That’s a way to force him to block the time. That’s how I block my husband time to make sure he will be there during work hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he commits to caring for our child, he doesn't block off his calendar. If something comes up with his work, it takes precedence and then we all have to change our plans to accommodate him.

How hard is it to block off your calendar? If he had to cancel on his coworkers he would apologize profusely. But for his daughter, nope.

I've said this before - maybe 20% of men are truly ready to be in a partnership marriage. You are not alone and you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Need more details. Why is your husband regularly having to “commit” to care for your child during his workday? Why is she not in daycare or with a nanny? Or is this referring to the occasional day when daycare is closed? My husband previously worked in a highly toxic workplace where staff were expected to bend over backwards to accommodate others’ schedules or face repercussions. Blocking his calendar to care for our child would not have been acceptable to his jerk of a manager. We need to know more about this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need more details. Why is your husband regularly having to “commit” to care for your child during his workday? Why is she not in daycare or with a nanny? Or is this referring to the occasional day when daycare is closed? My husband previously worked in a highly toxic workplace where staff were expected to bend over backwards to accommodate others’ schedules or face repercussions. Blocking his calendar to care for our child would not have been acceptable to his jerk of a manager. We need to know more about this situation.

For what purpose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more details. Why is your husband regularly having to “commit” to care for your child during his workday? Why is she not in daycare or with a nanny? Or is this referring to the occasional day when daycare is closed? My husband previously worked in a highly toxic workplace where staff were expected to bend over backwards to accommodate others’ schedules or face repercussions. Blocking his calendar to care for our child would not have been acceptable to his jerk of a manager. We need to know more about this situation.

For what purpose?

NP. Oh forget about it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need more details. Why is your husband regularly having to “commit” to care for your child during his workday? Why is she not in daycare or with a nanny? Or is this referring to the occasional day when daycare is closed? My husband previously worked in a highly toxic workplace where staff were expected to bend over backwards to accommodate others’ schedules or face repercussions. Blocking his calendar to care for our child would not have been acceptable to his jerk of a manager. We need to know more about this situation.

Not PP, but nannies don’t do sick care for more time than it takes for you to get home from work. They also don’t have medical POA so your care provider doesn’t want to deal with them.

If this is too much for your career to handle occasionally, don’t have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t bail him out. He has to have his child interrupt his meeting, or he needs to cancel and disrupt his work plans. He needs to feel the pain from his own lack of planning.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more details. Why is your husband regularly having to “commit” to care for your child during his workday? Why is she not in daycare or with a nanny? Or is this referring to the occasional day when daycare is closed? My husband previously worked in a highly toxic workplace where staff were expected to bend over backwards to accommodate others’ schedules or face repercussions. Blocking his calendar to care for our child would not have been acceptable to his jerk of a manager. We need to know more about this situation.

For what purpose?

NP. Oh forget about it, OP.

Sounds good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more details. Why is your husband regularly having to “commit” to care for your child during his workday? Why is she not in daycare or with a nanny? Or is this referring to the occasional day when daycare is closed? My husband previously worked in a highly toxic workplace where staff were expected to bend over backwards to accommodate others’ schedules or face repercussions. Blocking his calendar to care for our child would not have been acceptable to his jerk of a manager. We need to know more about this situation.

Not PP, but nannies don’t do sick care for more time than it takes for you to get home from work. They also don’t have medical POA so your care provider doesn’t want to deal with them.

If this is too much for your career to handle occasionally, don’t have children.

That's advice for OP's DH.

OP, let him see you reading "All the Rage" by Darcy Lockman and Lyz Lenz's "This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life." Explain that his actions tell you how much he values you and how committed a parent he is, so you're figuring out how to deal with that.

My nest is empty and my inclination to spend time with my husband is pretty darned low, thanks to years of him not listening to my calm statements of fact about the division of labor in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t bail him out. He has to have his child interrupt his meeting, or he needs to cancel and disrupt his work plans. He needs to feel the pain from his own lack of planning.

This.

The only way my husband really learned how to manage the kids was by me leaving for 5 days to go to a work conference. He didn't bail because he actually couldn't. His parenting completely leveled up.

I go away for a week about once a year for some work-related reason, and it always reinforces it.