I don’t have anything meaningful in my life besides my kids

[Anonymous]

OP, you aren’t alone. Raising kids is hard and time consuming, especially as they enter the teen years. I find myself pretty consumed with it all as well. I feel like I don’t have the time for my own hobby

[Anonymous]

Learn to refurbish furniture to save them from going into trash.
I don't do anything special in my life either, but it doesn't bother me quite yet. There was time when my toxic job took over my life so I appreciate not having to live like. I may even have to go see a therapist for it as the anger about it has got bigger over time.
But overall, I really enjoy not having much to do right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a hobby. And if nothing catches your attention, you need to go out and get a dog.

An animal can bring help you create a better routine through daily walks and it gives you something socially acceptable to talk about. It could help you make new friends and broaden your social circle. It’s a lot like going back to the preschool play date period of parenting where any kid can be a friend to yours and you’re really happy to have found other adults to discuss potty training strategies and the fun playgrounds.

I'm a NP and a fellow untalented, unskilled person. I struggled with hobbies because it was hard to do ones that depended on a regular schedule, like tennis lessons or an art class. As the primary parent I inevitably have to cover last-minute DH work trips and could never find any continuity for my hobbies.

I got a shelter dog. He takes up way too much time but he gets me out of the house and out of my head. I can't say I'm making friends through him because our neighborhood is full of weirdos with social hangups, but I get outside and get exercise and am happy to have sprung a dog from a shelter.

I don't like that you are judgy of your neigbors. So what if they ate neurotypical?

Great you adopted a dog

[Anonymous]

What you’re doing is very meaningful. Even if your kids have ups and downs, you are doing so much during these years to help them become productive and caring individuals. In the blink of an eye, they’ll be grown up and you’ll have time to try all sorts of new things for yourself. I’m not saying you shouldn’t find meaningful hobbies now if you want. But don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t have the wherewithal to do it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(And DH. But DH also works a lot and we are deep in middle aged parenting, so the romantic part of the relationship takes a back seat to a lot of every day life.)

I work PT when kids are in school but it’s not very fulfilling work and I do it just for the paycheck and to contribute to family finances.

I have friends but everyone is busy with family life now.

Taking care of my kids is basically the only thing in my life that feels meaningful now. And their happiness, development, accomplishments and the growth are the only thing I feel I have meaningfully contributed to in my life. On the upside, I feel a lot of fulfillment from being with them. Downside is that i take it very personally when they fall behind on something or don’t measure up to their peers in certain. I feel like a failure as a mom and more fundamentally as a person since my identity is so closely tied to my role as a mother.

I’m guessing the answer is to get accomplishments of my own, but I am not really talented or skilled. I don’t want to lean in with my job or find another one.

Anyone relate or have advice?

Stop with the “lean in” thing.

[Anonymous]

This is very common, OP. Mothering is now considered a FT job and many MC and UMC moms dedicate their entire life to their kids. Weekends are kid activities and birthday parties. Where I live there is limited socialization outside of kid friendly events. It seems like the only people who socialize without kids or have hobbies are the very wealthy. I am very curious why it’s this way and if parents, especially mothers, are simply content only focusing on their children.

I’m going away for 2 nights this weekend with only my husband and the reaction at the neighborhood bus stop was what I’d expect if I shared I’m traveling to space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I struggle with this too. Like you, I have a flexible job that is mostly just a paycheck but allows me to focus on my kids. And I'm a very committed mom and really value time with my kids and view raising them as the most important thing I do.

However, my mom totally committed herself to mothering and (1) she was not a great mom -- stifling and didn't know when to back off and give us room to fail or just be independent, and (2) when we grew up she became depressed because she was "losing" her life's purpose. Instead of being happy for us to be starting our adult lives, she resented it and tried to keep posing control over our lives. I do not have a great relationship with her.

So I really prioritize having my own life and things I derive pleasure from that have nothing to do with my kids, for both our sakes. You don't have to be great at something to do it, and technology makes it easy to do things on your time. I take writing workshops online. I am teaching myself to draw and paint using YouTube videos. I refinish furniture and sell it to neighbors. I have a 1000+ daughter unbroken streak on DuoLingo French and plans to spend my next milestone birthday in France, partially without kids (a week in Paris with DH and kids, and then he's taking them home while I spend an extra 5 days there with a friend visiting castles and vineyards).

Make your own life. If you have to, tell yourself it's a lesson for your kids in being a well balanced person. It's for you, too, but they will be glad you did it. They need to not be the ONLY thing that matters to you. It's too much pressure.

+1. I also had a controlling smothering mother who didn’t have a social life, hobbies or a job. Everything was about raising me.

I can’t help but think a lot of children will feel similarly as they grow up. The dynamic I see all around me isn’t healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very common, OP. Mothering is now considered a FT job and many MC and UMC moms dedicate their entire life to their kids. Weekends are kid activities and birthday parties. Where I live there is limited socialization outside of kid friendly events. It seems like the only people who socialize without kids or have hobbies are the very wealthy. I am very curious why it’s this way and if parents, especially mothers, are simply content only focusing on their children.

I’m going away for 2 nights this weekend with only my husband and the reaction at the neighborhood bus stop was what I’d expect if I shared I’m traveling to space.

I think this perception might be in your head, or you are misreading the reaction.

I would LOVE to go away for the weekend with just my husband. But we could not afford to do that while paying someone to stay with the kids, and we don't have anyone locally we could leave the kids with (maybe when they are older they could stay with a friend, but we're not there yet -- the kids would be fine but it would be too much of an imposition the other family at this age). So we can't do this.

If someone told me they were doing it, I'd be impressed and a little envious. I guess that could read as judgment, but that's not what it would be.

[Anonymous]

Read great literature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read great literature.

This. You need a broadening hobby, because your views are very narrow at this stage. Then consider what you could do which would not compromise what presently fulfills you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(And DH. But DH also works a lot and we are deep in middle aged parenting, so the romantic part of the relationship takes a back seat to a lot of every day life.)

I work PT when kids are in school but it’s not very fulfilling work and I do it just for the paycheck and to contribute to family finances.

I have friends but everyone is busy with family life now.

Taking care of my kids is basically the only thing in my life that feels meaningful now. And their happiness, development, accomplishments and the growth are the only thing I feel I have meaningfully contributed to in my life. On the upside, I feel a lot of fulfillment from being with them. Downside is that i take it very personally when they fall behind on something or don’t measure up to their peers in certain. I feel like a failure as a mom and more fundamentally as a person since my identity is so closely tied to my role as a mother.

I’m guessing the answer is to get accomplishments of my own, but I am not really talented or skilled. I don’t want to lean in with my job or find another one.

Anyone relate or have advice?

A lot of tiger moms and helicopter dads have their own accomplishments so that's not the real solution. You need to remind yourself that kids only get to be young once and in bigger picture, grades and awards have little value, live of life and learning has real long term value.

[Anonymous]

*love of life

[Anonymous]

Read. Run. Volunteer. Sing and dance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very common, OP. Mothering is now considered a FT job and many MC and UMC moms dedicate their entire life to their kids. Weekends are kid activities and birthday parties. Where I live there is limited socialization outside of kid friendly events. It seems like the only people who socialize without kids or have hobbies are the very wealthy. I am very curious why it’s this way and if parents, especially mothers, are simply content only focusing on their children.

I’m going away for 2 nights this weekend with only my husband and the reaction at the neighborhood bus stop was what I’d expect if I shared I’m traveling to space.

haha so true.

[Anonymous]

OP - how old are you and how old are your kids?