SIL invited herself on our family vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn’t invite herself, she asked!! How do your husband and kids feel about it? If no one else wants her to join, then say say no, this time you’re keeping it to just your immediate family. I don’t think you need to give any reasons.

My family loves traveling with other people - the more the merrier! More people to entertain our kids and big groups can split up to do different things. We’re always inviting family and friends to join us. Maybe she feels the same way and has no idea it’s an imposition on you?

Um asking IS inviting herself!

Not necessarily. It's asking for an invitation. If the invitation is not extended after the request, then there is no invitation. It may or may not be rude to ask for an invitation in this situation. It probably is, but if MY sister said, "Hey, can I come with you to the beach?" I would not consider that rude OR inviting herself along necessarily.

But...if they'd wanted to invite her, they would have invited her. She is now putting OP in the position of explicitly saying "no, we don't want you to come with us."

Right. It's rude, but it's already out there, so they have to respond and the only appropriate way to respond is with a firm no. A passive aggressive response like, "Just to be clear, you're asking to be invited on our family vacation?" Might shut this down a little faster than a vague apologetic no.

[Anonymous]

What did you say when she asked?

I hate being put on the spot like that. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it’s just an uncomfortable situation now. We are quickly approaching our vacation date and she asked my husband if she could sleep on our couch at our rental. She had asked him about a month ago about our vacation dates and mentioned maybe going down and getting her own place. I would have been fine with that. I have enjoyed vacationing with family in the past that has been planned and everyone had accommodating space and are free to come and go as they please. That’s not the case here unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with the same situation, except it's my MIL and she didn't ask - she just told us she had booked the same resort on the same dates we did. Would be nice to be in your situation, where you have the option of politely telling her you just want some time to connect with your kids and find another time to get together.

I would either

1. Tell her “Wow that’s too bad! We actually cancelled because a work commitment came up. I hope you enjoy your trip.”
2. Actually cancel and book somewhere else and tell her that you aren’t sure whether you are going. When she pesters about coordinating, be blunt and remind her we aren’t planning a vacation with extended family, just our nuclear family so why are you trying to latch on?
3. Tell her she wasn’t invited and you have full plans for the trip which you are not changing or tacking her on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it’s just an uncomfortable situation now. We are quickly approaching our vacation date and she asked my husband if she could sleep on our couch at our rental. She had asked him about a month ago about our vacation dates and mentioned maybe going down and getting her own place. I would have been fine with that. I have enjoyed vacationing with family in the past that has been planned and everyone had accommodating space and are free to come and go as they please. That’s not the case here unfortunately.

Just say no!

[Anonymous]

I would say that you need the time alone as a family to connect. And then be prepared for her to be disappointed/upset. The latter is NOT your problem.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s important to have these kinds of vacations alone as a family. It’s important for sibling bonding.

[Anonymous]

Just saw no! What has your husband said? He should have said no from the get go. Maybe it will hurt her feelings, but she is putting you in an awkward spot by asking, so don’t feel guilty, she is being rude.

Don’t give excuses that give her a chance to downplay. Sorry Suzy, we are keeping the trip to just the 4 of us this time! Let’s plan a trip another time.

[Anonymous]

This is what happens to me, OP. DH comes from a "the more the merrier" family and MIL routinely invites additional family members to events where we've tried to include just her and FIL or will invite extended family members to join them in their trip to our home.

Your DH needs to buck up and tell his sister no, but I know my DH and I would squabble about it. In my opinion, quality time with the immediate family is very important and I don't actually like traveling with other families, but know plenty of people who won't even bother going on vacation if they can't get others to come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it’s just an uncomfortable situation now. We are quickly approaching our vacation date and she asked my husband if she could sleep on our couch at our rental. She had asked him about a month ago about our vacation dates and mentioned maybe going down and getting her own place. I would have been fine with that. I have enjoyed vacationing with family in the past that has been planned and everyone had accommodating space and are free to come and go as they please. That’s not the case here unfortunately.

Omg, no. That crap stopped with my first full time job. If I were desperate, sure, but why make everyone uncomfortable if not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it’s just an uncomfortable situation now. We are quickly approaching our vacation date and she asked my husband if she could sleep on our couch at our rental. She had asked him about a month ago about our vacation dates and mentioned maybe going down and getting her own place. I would have been fine with that. I have enjoyed vacationing with family in the past that has been planned and everyone had accommodating space and are free to come and go as they please. That’s not the case here unfortunately.

Um so you just need to SAY NO. FAST. You can be all flowery and indirect and all that later. But right now your focus needs to be on not having the living space in your rental just become someone else’s bedding for the entire vacation!!!! Go! Now!

[Anonymous]

recently asked if she could accompany us on our family vacation

You say, "no". You say no if your DH is too weak. You do not give any thought to hurt feelings because no is a reasonable response. You are entitled to a preference.

[Anonymous]

This is a husband's problem if he can't establish boundaries with his sister.

Even my husband, who has a very enmeshed family, would not want to vacation with his sister and her kids. It sounds like social overload.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL, who we see often, recently asked if she could accompany us on our family vacation. In the past, we have vacationed with her and her kids and had separate accommodations. I love my SIL, but I feel like our annual family vacation is time for my family to connect and spend quality time together as my kids are getting older. The stress from work is also another factor of why this vacation is so important to decompress and not have to worry about entertaining someone else. My husband has not established boundaries when it comes to his family and is always accommodating. How would you handle this without hurting anybody’s feelings?

Just say no! If she is close enough to ask to come along, she is close enough to hear no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a husband's problem if he can't establish boundaries with his sister.

Even my husband, who has a very enmeshed family, would not want to vacation with his sister and her kids. It sounds like social overload.

this. Your husband needs to grow some balls.
Tell him, "husband, handle this"