Fiancé wants a church wedding

[Anonymous]

OP here. He wants to appease his family and get married in a church like almost all of his family. Big brother is a practicing catholic and got married in a church 2 years ago. That’s why he said we can do a non-denominational church.

We aren’t religious, don’t go to church, and will not be raising our kids in any religion.

We have a very beautiful wedding venue that overlooks the river in our city and that would be an amazing place to exchange vows and have a reception. This seems more practical to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He wants to appease his family and get married in a church like almost all of his family. Big brother is a practicing catholic and got married in a church 2 years ago. That’s why he said we can do a non-denominational church.

We aren’t religious, don’t go to church, and will not be raising our kids in any religion.

We have a very beautiful wedding venue that overlooks the river in our city and that would be an amazing place to exchange vows and have a reception. This seems more practical to me.

He’s not interested in “practical.” He’s interested in the semblance of whatever his family thinks of as “tradition.” And I suspect that whatever he says about non-denominational, it is unlikely that such a thing won’t look much like his family expects or even he would think met the bar.

There also seems to be a huge disconnect here from the fact that religious institutions, even “non-denominational” ones, are more than a wedding ceremony purveyor, and that getting them to participate in your event is a two-way street.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and “We aren’t religious, don’t go to church, and will not be raising our kids in any religion.”

Yet.

Because if the influence of his parents and family is such that he wants to create what looks like a church wedding to satisfy them (and probably a part of him), everything else is up for grabs too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Catholic” as it refers to the Church is a proper noun and hence needs to be capitalized.

That out of the way, PP’s are correct that even the most happy-friendly Father Marryin’ Sam is unlikely to be willing just to have a non-religious (non-Catholic? non-Baptized? non-Christian?) and a non-practicing (non-confirmed?) Catholic stop in of a Saturday for a nice ceremony.

Catholic marriage is a sacrament. It requires preparation. It requires that the parties be “suitably disposed” (in an objective state of grace, free of prior bond, knowingly and willingly accepting the obligations of a union that is permanent, exclusive and open to the possibility of offspring). It may, if one party is not Catholic, require a dispensation (“permission from a higher-up, e.g., the bishop). Unless it is to take place at the residential Parish of the Catholic party another dispensation is required for that.

PP’s are correct that Confirmation is not technically required for Matrimony, but the priest doing the marriage will be interested in knowing why the person is not confirmed already or interested in becoming so. Most parishes require at least a six month lead time, with multiple preparation meetings and typically a preparation course (often called “Pre Cana). At the end of the day, the priest will want to understand why two people, one of whom has no connection to the Church and the other of whom seems to have no more than a cultural/family-pleasing connection, want a Catholic wedding and what they hope to gain by that, beyond a pretty ceremony.

None of this is insurmountable, but you’d have to want it, and be willing to do what was required. Sadly, situations like this all too often result in people blaming the Church for being mean, close-minded or whatever. But Catholic rituals have meaning, they’re not just a show.

Thank you for the explanation.

OP, get your fiance to read this answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He wants to appease his family and get married in a church like almost all of his family. Big brother is a practicing catholic and got married in a church 2 years ago. That’s why he said we can do a non-denominational church.

We aren’t religious, don’t go to church, and will not be raising our kids in any religion.

We have a very beautiful wedding venue that overlooks the river in our city and that would be an amazing place to exchange vows and have a reception. This seems more practical to me.

Of course it is, but he wants to appease his family. Remember that.

[Anonymous]

My husband is atheist raised Buddhist, so not even Christian. We had a Catholic Ceremony in a Catholic Church. He did not say he was Catholic or Christian, so no you do not need to lie.

You do have to take all the marriage prep classes that all other Catholics take and sign paperwork that says you will raise the kids Catholic, but no its not some drawn out process.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. But its not a bunch of extra hoops, they have a process for this.

[Anonymous]

Know lots of people who wanted to get married in the Catholic Church. It will not be particularly easy if neither of you regularly attends. He will need to be a member of the church. You will need to take classes. And, if you want to get married in a church that is not the one he attends, you will need special permission. Unless his parents have a family priest that might make an exception somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Know lots of people who wanted to get married in the Catholic Church. It will not be particularly easy if neither of you regularly attends. He will need to be a member of the church. You will need to take classes. And, if you want to get married in a church that is not the one he attends, you will need special permission. Unless his parents have a family priest that might make an exception somehow.

Just find a not well attended church that needs the $$$. Pretty simple. BTDT

[Anonymous]

You both don't need to be Catholic. One of you should be and also registered at the church or a church that his family is registered at. You can't just waltz into any church and demand a wedding ceremony. You will need to be registered parishioners, or use his family church, and complete the wedding prep (Pre-Cana), and just jump through all the hoops.

But your post is very off putting all about you, and what you want. You're supposed to be getting married, it's not all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both don't need to be Catholic. One of you should be and also registered at the church or a church that his family is registered at. You can't just waltz into any church and demand a wedding ceremony. You will need to be registered parishioners, or use his family church, and complete the wedding prep (Pre-Cana), and just jump through all the hoops.

But your post is very off putting all about you, and what you want. You're supposed to be getting married, it's not all about you.

No. One of them must be Catholic to be married in a Catholic church.

[Anonymous]

Find a simple chapel that isn’t affiliated with the Catholic Church (or any church). It is unethical for your fiancé’s family to ask you to lie about being a Catholic. I wouldn’t even consider that as an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think we have to get a special pass or something from a higher up and lie and say I’m catholic and will raise our kids catholic. It seems like a huge task for nothing.

You have no idea what you're talking about. A special pass? From who, the Pope? And lying? None of this is necessary. You sound completely ignorant. Talk to your husband and his family and find out the real deal.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I also don't believe that his family won't pressure you to put kids through the whole Catholic thing. I say this with family members that are concerned that our daughter isn't baptized. We.dont.care. They are worried for her soul and won't drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100% go for the church wedding if it's important to them and not to you.

No op absolutely not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He wants to appease his family and get married in a church like almost all of his family. Big brother is a practicing catholic and got married in a church 2 years ago. That’s why he said we can do a non-denominational church.

We aren’t religious, don’t go to church, and will not be raising our kids in any religion.

We have a very beautiful wedding venue that overlooks the river in our city and that would be an amazing place to exchange vows and have a reception. This seems more practical to me.

What are you going to say when you have kids and his family pressures you to baptize them? My guess is you two are nowhere near the same page on this stuff. Have these conversations before you get married.