S/O of the growing old and how to care topics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was my lamentation and complaint while my elderly mother lived in a CCRC. Learned there are services for everything: sitters/aides (night only, 24/7, companionship)
med reminders and help, transportation, housekeeping, maintenance, even moving, packing and decorating.

Larger communities will have all of the above and more.

Save your money because it’s expensive.

An elderly person living alone, and with dementia, will not be able to navigate any of that.

This PP quoted and my point was that an elderly, childless person should plan ahead and ideally save and make arrangements to live in a CCRC where all above needs will be met. As another mentioned, you can be assigned a guardian and or ward of the state and you’ll be (ware)housed in a low quality facility that accepts indigents- sorry to put it that way but this is precisely what happened to my great uncle. Never married, low income, reclusive…estranged from family. Fell and broke his arm - transported by ambulance to hospital then nursing home where he died after a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a premed student, I went on a ride-along with the local fire paramedics. One stop was to check in an elderly person that had died sometime in the last few days and the landlord had noticed their mail piling up. They were lying in their bed.

Grim.

[Anonymous]

Elderly is like infancy in reverse, but it's dragged out over longer time period and not as cute.

And there are usually expenses diseases also.

[Anonymous]

We all have to plan as though we have nobody. Life happens. You cannot assume your kids will be healthy, have flexible jobs or just be an a situation where they can easily drop everything and help. Our parents made our lives a living hell. The first 5 years it's manageable by stressful, but it feels right. After that we really saw how selfish and delusional they were and their entitlement grew.

Here's what we plan to do:

1.) CCRC where you move along as you decline
2.) Regular cognitive evaluations so we can plan for assisted suicide in another country if needed. If you haven't lived through angry hostile, combative dementia with a parent, you don't get to comment on this.
3.) No chemo, etc, past certain age depending on quality of life, etc.
4.) Have a relationship with a nurse agency to help with procedures, managing care, getting aide at nursing home, etc.
5.) Combo of lawyer and accountant overseeing finances and doing checks and balances.

We want out kids and grandkids to enjoy visits, not be stressed out. We want them to maintain their good relationship and not be fighting about jobs. They will have an inheritance, but they will not be left with a legacy of endless emergency trips, fights with impossible siblings, guilt trips, and resentment if this goes as planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all have to plan as though we have nobody. Life happens. You cannot assume your kids will be healthy, have flexible jobs or just be an a situation where they can easily drop everything and help. Our parents made our lives a living hell. The first 5 years it's manageable by stressful, but it feels right. After that we really saw how selfish and delusional they were and their entitlement grew.

Here's what we plan to do:

1.) CCRC where you move along as you decline
2.) Regular cognitive evaluations so we can plan for assisted suicide in another country if needed. If you haven't lived through angry hostile, combative dementia with a parent, you don't get to comment on this.
3.) No chemo, etc, past certain age depending on quality of life, etc.
4.) Have a relationship with a nurse agency to help with procedures, managing care, getting aide at nursing home, etc.
5.) Combo of lawyer and accountant overseeing finances and doing checks and balances.

We want out kids and grandkids to enjoy visits, not be stressed out. We want them to maintain their good relationship and not be fighting about jobs. They will have an inheritance, but they will not be left with a legacy of endless emergency trips, fights with impossible siblings, guilt trips, and resentment if this goes as planned.

What do mean by this? I've never heard this option or idea before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all have to plan as though we have nobody. Life happens. You cannot assume your kids will be healthy, have flexible jobs or just be an a situation where they can easily drop everything and help. Our parents made our lives a living hell. The first 5 years it's manageable by stressful, but it feels right. After that we really saw how selfish and delusional they were and their entitlement grew.

Here's what we plan to do:

1.) CCRC where you move along as you decline
2.) Regular cognitive evaluations so we can plan for assisted suicide in another country if needed. If you haven't lived through angry hostile, combative dementia with a parent, you don't get to comment on this.
3.) No chemo, etc, past certain age depending on quality of life, etc.
4.) Have a relationship with a nurse agency to help with procedures, managing care, getting aide at nursing home, etc.
5.) Combo of lawyer and accountant overseeing finances and doing checks and balances.

We want out kids and grandkids to enjoy visits, not be stressed out. We want them to maintain their good relationship and not be fighting about jobs. They will have an inheritance, but they will not be left with a legacy of endless emergency trips, fights with impossible siblings, guilt trips, and resentment if this goes as planned.

Who do you go to for this? I know that may be a stupid question. But PCP or some speciality? And will they just do those w/o some sort of symptom???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my lamentation and complaint while my elderly mother lived in a CCRC. Learned there are services for everything: sitters/aides (night only, 24/7, companionship)
med reminders and help, transportation, housekeeping, maintenance, even moving, packing and decorating.

Larger communities will have all of the above and more.

Save your money because it’s expensive.

My parents live in an area with all of these services and it was still almost impossible leg to navigate or qualify for any of it unless you truly are poor. Luckily we got a few free things from the VA like a hospital bed and wheel chair. The biggest crisis is care facilities. Medicaid coverage is terrible and you get the bare minimum of being warehoused and sitting in bed 22 hours a day.
A really fancy place is going to charge 7k-9k a month for e try level care and upwards of 14k a month for memory care. Be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all have to plan as though we have nobody. Life happens. You cannot assume your kids will be healthy, have flexible jobs or just be an a situation where they can easily drop everything and help. Our parents made our lives a living hell. The first 5 years it's manageable by stressful, but it feels right. After that we really saw how selfish and delusional they were and their entitlement grew.

Here's what we plan to do:

1.) CCRC where you move along as you decline
2.) Regular cognitive evaluations so we can plan for assisted suicide in another country if needed. If you haven't lived through angry hostile, combative dementia with a parent, you don't get to comment on this.
3.) No chemo, etc, past certain age depending on quality of life, etc.
4.) Have a relationship with a nurse agency to help with procedures, managing care, getting aide at nursing home, etc.
5.) Combo of lawyer and accountant overseeing finances and doing checks and balances.

We want out kids and grandkids to enjoy visits, not be stressed out. We want them to maintain their good relationship and not be fighting about jobs. They will have an inheritance, but they will not be left with a legacy of endless emergency trips, fights with impossible siblings, guilt trips, and resentment if this goes as planned.

You are my hero. I’ve been through all of this. Your post brought me to tears just remembering it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I took care of my elderly aunt with whom I was never close. Found her an AL community, then moved her to AL with dementia community. Paid her bills, bought her clothing, visited from time to time. Then I closed out her estate when she died. It was brutal. I paid myself and treated it like a second job, which it was.

I would be thankful for this. My DH and I have significant wealth. I would love to have someone who would take on the responsibility and pay them, then leave them our estate. My worry is finding someone who is responsible and trustworthy.

Your concern is justified, because many people have no problem with stealing from the elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was my lamentation and complaint while my elderly mother lived in a CCRC. Learned there are services for everything: sitters/aides (night only, 24/7, companionship)
med reminders and help, transportation, housekeeping, maintenance, even moving, packing and decorating.

Larger communities will have all of the above and more.

Save your money because it’s expensive.

My parents live in an area with all of these services and it was still almost impossible leg to navigate or qualify for any of it unless you truly are poor. Luckily we got a few free things from the VA like a hospital bed and wheel chair. The biggest crisis is care facilities. Medicaid coverage is terrible and you get the bare minimum of being warehoused and sitting in bed 22 hours a day.
A really fancy place is going to charge 7k-9k a month for e try level care and upwards of 14k a month for memory care. Be prepared.

This is a damn shame for someone who worked full time (often more than full time!) and not have proper coverage or placement. I know it happens all the time. Meanwhile, people who have barely worked, and were extremely hands off with the kids.......

[Anonymous]

In my life, I've seen nieces and nephews and neighbors step up. I'm genuinely amazed at how kind some people are.

I do think some old people die before they would otherwise and they die alone at home and are found for some reason like a PP mentioned....mail piles up, a smell, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I took care of my elderly aunt with whom I was never close. Found her an AL community, then moved her to AL with dementia community. Paid her bills, bought her clothing, visited from time to time. Then I closed out her estate when she died. It was brutal. I paid myself and treated it like a second job, which it was.

I would be thankful for this. My DH and I have significant wealth. I would love to have someone who would take on the responsibility and pay them, then leave them our estate. My worry is finding someone who is responsible and trustworthy.

Your concern is justified, because many people have no problem with stealing from the elderly.

YES!!!!!! I do not live where my parents live and had to set up a lot of care for them and the level of people trying to take advantage was awful.

[Anonymous]

You can easily do your own cognitive testing. 95% of people are avoidant abd don't want to know. Download the SAGE test from the the University of Ohio. Do it every six months. In my vilified country of Canada we qualify in the early stages of Alzheimer's, so still competent, for medical aid in dying. That is what I will do. I can't stand being touched by strangers so would be one of those heavily medicated people in the locked ward if I don't "check out" on my own terms.

If I lived in the US I would take the business class to Zurich. Pegasos.

[Anonymous]

I know of anwoman nearby who had developed dementia. No kids no family around widowed 20 plus years . The neighbors (a longstanding tight neighborhood) stepped in. One was appointed poa. They took care of her as long as they could and recently sold her house and she is in memory care in nice facility, where another friend of their circle is (that friend is only in assisted living). She gets lots of visits. I helped appraise some of the estate sale items and everything seemed above board. Unfortunately most people don’t have this kind of support.

I am going to talk to my single no kids brother about this. My daughter will probably be the one to help him out if needed one day (if I’m not around). He will have enough money for a CCR and I’m going to encourage him to retire near us or maybe one of our kids if they are settled. He plans to leave his estate to them anyway but no one wants ti be a burden.

I think about this too with my kids. I think the assisted suicide in case of dementia question is really tricky. You have to do it while it’s very early stages and at that point you don’t feel like much is wrong. My mother used to tell me all the time that she would rather be shot that have dementia, it’s her worst nightmare etc. well, she is in stage 4 Alzheimer’s (so, a batty old lady but capable of reading the by times,!dressing , general conversation , knows who we all are..::she doesn’t need memory care, just can’t do anything with finances, cook, drive or remember short term like if she took meds and gets confused neither née information. She is also unable to grasp she has Alzheimer’s and would in no way submit to assisted suicide now. I mean, she got the diagnosis , was quiet and sad for a while and by the time we got home from the neurologist she had essentially put it out of her mind and the only time it’s come up is that I heard her tell someone that she started memory meds so that she won’t get dementia and now her memory is great.

Watching this makes me really think that the assisted suicide for dementia is so tricky. My mom is not the person who begged me years ago to never let her get like that. She’s batty but she wants to go to dinner with the kids and listen to music and read. By the time she is no longer able to do those things she won’t be able to make any decisions at all. The only thing I can do is a more specific advanced directive for dementia patients (we have one but she was like “why do I need this?”)