AITA: summer edition

[Anonymous]

Depends on how you approached it.

If you just cold opened without preamble and asked straight out if he had plans to get another job, I imagine he'd be shocked and taken aback. In this case, you ATA.

If, however, you guys have had conversations about money being tight and the need to cover extra expenses, and the possibility of him getting a summer job, then it's just checking in and you ANTA.

From what you wrote I'm guessing it's the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is at home this summer, why do your kids need daycare? Have him take care of the kids, book dinner, be a SAHD. I am a middle school math teacher and never have I worked summers.

Pulling them out of daycare (which is discounted slightly for firm employees) would result in us losing our spot. The wait list is astronomical. So we could just not send them and pay for their spot, but that seems like a waste of $$$.

It’s not a waste though. You need to pay it regardless correct? So let the kids have a couple weeks off and spend time with Dad. Doesn’t need to be all summer.

[Anonymous]

Has your spouse worked in the summer in previous summers or is this a new request this year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your spouse worked in the summer in previous summers or is this a new request this year?

Agree with this. What is the normal pattern for your household?

[Anonymous]

“I hear you! How about you take off until June 21, a nice three week vacation, while I keep working. Then you can lean in to some summer work for the. Ext eight weeks and in the last two weeks of august we take a family vacation.”

[Anonymous]

We had to dip into our emergency fund pretty substantially this year to cover several unexpected and large expenses (both medical and home related). So can we put food on the table, yes. Are we able to replenish our savings and get us back to a financially stable place, not really. Our HHI is about $160k so we do well, but aren’t super high income.

The extra tutoring money would allow us the flexibility to go on a small vacation this summer or put additional money away.

And do I resent my DH some that he sleeps in until whenever and lays out by the pool while I’m in the office 5 days a week, yes a bit. So I guess that makes me the AH. I also don’t like the pressure of having always been the breadwinner. If I lose my job we are in big trouble financially so I work incredibly hard to always be the high performer while he hangs out all summer at the pool or traveling while I work.

So I will own I’m the AH who should have married better (not the teacher) to avoid these feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on how you approached it.

If you just cold opened without preamble and asked straight out if he had plans to get another job, I imagine he'd be shocked and taken aback. In this case, you ATA.

If, however, you guys have had conversations about money being tight and the need to cover extra expenses, and the possibility of him getting a summer job, then it's just checking in and you ANTA.

From what you wrote I'm guessing it's the former.

I was going to say exactly this. He probably is exhausted with the end of year push for schools, and yes probably does need at least a little time to decompress (a week?). However, what that means is certainly worthy of discussion. What does he usually do during the summer? How are things balanced during the school year? Does he pick up more home stuff during the summer, so stuff gets done? When do you get breaks? Are you on the same page with your financial picture and goals, and is it clear that a couple thousand could help? What does earning a couple thousand look like, and how does it balance with what your summers are usually like?

I'd be thinking more creatively, as a team. Can you go into work early, and he's responsible for getting them to daycare on a more relaxed schedule in the summers? OR maybe he picks them up early a couple of afternoons a week and does fun/educational/just hang out with dad stuff with them? (and you either get a break or you get more hours at work).

I run the finances in our family, and i try to have regular let's sit down and go over everything meetings to set priorities and make sure my DH has a good sense of where things are - meals out was high this month, because of after school practice for the play interfering with dinner, so this next month let's relaly cut back there. We need to have the gutters redone, let's take the money from our home repair account, and then build it back up by doing X. We've been saving for vacation and will have enough to go, let's buy tickets this month while they are cheap....etc etc. Maybe you all need things on paper, in black and white? Does he see that having some extra money coming in could help?

[Anonymous]

If this is out of the normal pattern for your household, then have this discussion with your spouse, honestly, about how you'd like to replenish your savings.

[Anonymous]

Tbh the money issue sounds like a red herring. You're jealous.

But really - who is jealous of what we all say is a underpaid overworked profession? The "light" for him is prob the benefit of summer break - and you want to take that from him because you're resentful that like most ppl who are breadwinners have to go in the office every day.

And for those who want to somehow "punish him" by throwing the kids at him full time for weeks during this much needed break (again do we all agree that teaching is a thankless tasks and they are heroes or not?!) I'm sure he can pull the kids for a week or two if he doesn't already but don't try to load his summer up with tasks just because you don't have the gift of one.

Team DH. As stated OP - if you wanted a richer husband that allowed you to stay at home you should have married differently.

[Anonymous]

I tried to approach it in a neutral manner by asking about what he had on the agenda for the summer. He mentioned he wanted to go on a fly fishing trip (he’d go alone) then a trip to visit his mom who lives in Oregon. Great I said. I then asked if he planned to pick up any tutoring or work through the school district. That’s when he got mad.

But I get it. I probably shouldn’t have even asked. And yes, I’m jealous. I may get a long weekend trip this summer (no summer two week trip like one pp mentioned) while he travels for several weeks this summer. I also agree that I should know that I have different responsibilities as the breadwinner. I’ll use my summer to shift my attitude and reframe my thinking.

[Anonymous]

Given your added info about dipping into emergency funds during the year, I can see where I, in your shoes, would be a bit upset that DH did not decide, on his own, to take on some tutoring (at a minimum!) to help replenish your rainy day fund. A central office summer job might further burn him out, be too restrictive of his time, and impact the upcoming school. Don't many of us sometimes wish for a 9-month job to reset ourselves during the summer...then again most of us don't teach. As a household team, it should not be all or nothing. Your DH doing nothing all summer to contribute to the household finances, would in my mind make HTA.

[Anonymous]

Hta

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to approach it in a neutral manner by asking about what he had on the agenda for the summer. He mentioned he wanted to go on a fly fishing trip (he’d go alone) then a trip to visit his mom who lives in Oregon. Great I said. I then asked if he planned to pick up any tutoring or work through the school district. That’s when he got mad.

But I get it. I probably shouldn’t have even asked. And yes, I’m jealous. I may get a long weekend trip this summer (no summer two week trip like one pp mentioned) while he travels for several weeks this summer. I also agree that I should know that I have different responsibilities as the breadwinner. I’ll use my summer to shift my attitude and reframe my thinking.

I'm on your side. He needs to put his energy into the family and not take 10 weeks of leisure time. The only part I fault you for is "asking" rather than stating your wish. "I know you need a rest, but after the trips, I hope you will pick up tutoring or some other way to make cash so we can bring our emergency reserves back up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to dip into our emergency fund pretty substantially this year to cover several unexpected and large expenses (both medical and home related). So can we put food on the table, yes. Are we able to replenish our savings and get us back to a financially stable place, not really. Our HHI is about $160k so we do well, but aren’t super high income.

The extra tutoring money would allow us the flexibility to go on a small vacation this summer or put additional money away.

And do I resent my DH some that he sleeps in until whenever and lays out by the pool while I’m in the office 5 days a week, yes a bit. So I guess that makes me the AH. I also don’t like the pressure of having always been the breadwinner. If I lose my job we are in big trouble financially so I work incredibly hard to always be the high performer while he hangs out all summer at the pool or traveling while I work.

So I will own I’m the AH who should have married better (not the teacher) to avoid these feelings.

OP, I don't think you're the AH at all. I would be incredibly frustrated if my husband had 8-10 weeks off because of his schedule and he didn't step up and do more during that time. If money was what was needed, then I would expect him to care about that. If it was just task-related and he could do a lot more to help my life be easier, then I would expect him to do that. And if the roles were reversed, I would step up and do more during that time period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on how you approached it.

If you just cold opened without preamble and asked straight out if he had plans to get another job, I imagine he'd be shocked and taken aback. In this case, you ATA.

If, however, you guys have had conversations about money being tight and the need to cover extra expenses, and the possibility of him getting a summer job, then it's just checking in and you ANTA.

From what you wrote I'm guessing it's the former.

I was going to say exactly this. He probably is exhausted with the end of year push for schools, and yes probably does need at least a little time to decompress (a week?). However, what that means is certainly worthy of discussion. What does he usually do during the summer? How are things balanced during the school year? Does he pick up more home stuff during the summer, so stuff gets done? When do you get breaks? Are you on the same page with your financial picture and goals, and is it clear that a couple thousand could help? What does earning a couple thousand look like, and how does it balance with what your summers are usually like?

I'd be thinking more creatively, as a team. Can you go into work early, and he's responsible for getting them to daycare on a more relaxed schedule in the summers? OR maybe he picks them up early a couple of afternoons a week and does fun/educational/just hang out with dad stuff with them? (and you either get a break or you get more hours at work).

I run the finances in our family, and i try to have regular let's sit down and go over everything meetings to set priorities and make sure my DH has a good sense of where things are - meals out was high this month, because of after school practice for the play interfering with dinner, so this next month let's relaly cut back there. We need to have the gutters redone, let's take the money from our home repair account, and then build it back up by doing X. We've been saving for vacation and will have enough to go, let's buy tickets this month while they are cheap....etc etc. Maybe you all need things on paper, in black and white? Does he see that having some extra money coming in could help?

I mean, don't we all have times like this? Maybe it's a big project, a trial, a deadline, whatever - I would assume most people who work get exhausted from certain extra-ordinary things from time to time. And we...just deal with it. Maybe we take a day off or something, but multiple weeks during the summer? Come on.