Weird with neighbor since kids no longer hang out?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I witnessed the event, so please stop assuming my DD deserved it. They were playing a game at our coffee table and the girl slapped my DD in the face hard enough to leave a mark. Zero prompting, other than losing the game. She’s a bully to her siblings, too, and to other kids at school. I don’t know if she has friends, that’s true. I only know what I hear from my DD, who twice tried to rekindle the friendship, but the girl I think has deeper rooted issues.

Please don’t victim blame my DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just smile and wave for now.

But also be careful. You sound so certain of your knowledge of the situation. I've been in the other side with a kid who pushed another kid. Do you know what happened before my daughter snapped? She was name called over multiple weeks. She was told she wasn't good enough to stick with the friend group and if she wanted to stay at the lunch table she needed to change her hair, clothes, start wearing makeup, stop being childish. My daughter reported some of these things to me and I eventually overheard some of it. The thing that made my daughter push the other girl was when she stooped to making fun of another "friend" from their childhood group who has significant disabilities. And then she was shamed out of the group. For a while she did struggle with making friends but eventually has started to find some more accepting kids.

So yes, I'm awkward when I see the other mom and avoid her. She knows about the pushing but I have a strong feeling she only knows a small fraction of the story.

I have a daughter much like your own and I appreciate what you wrote. She has a very strong sense of justice. She’s remarked to me several times how grown-ups don’t notice rough things going on between kids. She can often look like the aggressor when she’s been holding it together for a very long time. we are definitely working on other ways of being heard. Bullies do find the weakest link to push emotionally.

I hope that yours has found friends that are kinder now.

For OP I would suggest just addressing it directly. Tell her you miss her and invite her for a walk. She may not know how to break the ice.

Thanks for your response. From the outside the other girl looks perfect. But emotional bullying is probably an appropriate description of what happened. The pushing is the only part adults and most of the friend group saw or heard about, so it did make my daughter look like the aggressor.

I feel guilty that I minimized the self esteem damage of the comments my daughter was reporting to me before I happened to overhear some of it. She got over the neighbor girl but very much misses the other friends who have been turned against her.

Anyway, op's situation may be totally different but wanted to bring up the perspective that the other mom may be avoiding you to avoid getting angry or breaking down into tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I witnessed the event, so please stop assuming my DD deserved it. They were playing a game at our coffee table and the girl slapped my DD in the face hard enough to leave a mark. Zero prompting, other than losing the game. She’s a bully to her siblings, too, and to other kids at school. I don’t know if she has friends, that’s true. I only know what I hear from my DD, who twice tried to rekindle the friendship, but the girl I think has deeper rooted issues.

Please don’t victim blame my DD.

Not victim blaming at all. Just responding to the info that was in the op that there may be more to the story than what you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I witnessed the event, so please stop assuming my DD deserved it. They were playing a game at our coffee table and the girl slapped my DD in the face hard enough to leave a mark. Zero prompting, other than losing the game. She’s a bully to her siblings, too, and to other kids at school. I don’t know if she has friends, that’s true. I only know what I hear from my DD, who twice tried to rekindle the friendship, but the girl I think has deeper rooted issues.

Please don’t victim blame my DD.

Not victim blaming at all. Just responding to the info that was in the op that there may be more to the story than what you know.

It’s possible. It’s also probable that this girl is just a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I witnessed the event, so please stop assuming my DD deserved it. They were playing a game at our coffee table and the girl slapped my DD in the face hard enough to leave a mark. Zero prompting, other than losing the game. She’s a bully to her siblings, too, and to other kids at school. I don’t know if she has friends, that’s true. I only know what I hear from my DD, who twice tried to rekindle the friendship, but the girl I think has deeper rooted issues.

Please don’t victim blame my DD.

so... it's awkward. and your neighbor feels awkward. end of story. what exactly is the problem here?

[Anonymous]

Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce

Always the correct answer. Always.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever talk about what happened? You can start with that.

Can your daughter forgive her, and be a leader among humans in helping rehabilitate this girl, while protecting herself? These are the moments in life where people discover and create their own true character.

This girl's probably not enjoying being an emotionally unstable outcast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever talk about what happened? You can start with that.

Can your daughter forgive her, and be a leader among humans in helping rehabilitate this girl, while protecting herself? These are the moments in life where people discover and create their own true character.

This girl's probably not enjoying being an emotionally unstable outcast.

OP here. As I said, she tried twice to befriend her again and it’s ended badly both times. I won’t force her to do it again.

[Anonymous]

Do you miss her friendship or are you trying to absolve yourself of feeling awkward around her? It sounds like there’s some emotional things you need to work through in regards to what happened between the girls. That’s not a dig, I would feel very strongly about my child being hit and bullied as well.

So like how many doors down are you guys and is this relationship critical to you feeling comfortable in your neighborhood/home? Do you think you can be OK with her not being OK with you?

[Anonymous]

So it sounds like you don't want to try to befriend her again. In light of that, I don't understand what the problem is. I'm not enemies with my neighbors, but we wave hi if we see each other and leave it at that. What else are you seeking?

[Anonymous]

Your daughter does not have to be friends with this girl. However, in your posts, it is coming across that you dislike her. It is possible that her behavior is due to a disability. I would be willing to be casual neighborhood friends with someone whose child no longer wanted to be friends with mine. but mot with someone who I felt actively disliked my kid. I'd let this go.

[Anonymous]

Agree. I don’t get the impression you like her. That’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you miss her friendship or are you trying to absolve yourself of feeling awkward around her? It sounds like there’s some emotional things you need to work through in regards to what happened between the girls. That’s not a dig, I would feel very strongly about my child being hit and bullied as well.

So like how many doors down are you guys and is this relationship critical to you feeling comfortable in your neighborhood/home? Do you think you can be OK with her not being OK with you?

We live in a cul de sac and I have to pass their house on walks, etc. I’m not mad at her or anything like that, I don’t even hold animosity towards the girl, I wave to her too when I see her. But it’s like mom goes out of her way to avoid me. It’s just odd.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I just remembered the latest odd interaction. I was on a walk and saw them at the park. I waved to the girl and said “Hello!”, she waved back and said hi, but the mom deliberately kept staring at her feet. She had to have heard me. It was so strange.