Withholding Affection

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

This^^^. Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

Have you?

Yes. I gave up and now sticking around for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five years? He doesn't like you at all. You are living with someone who wants nothing to do with you.

Grow a backbone and move on.

lol

[Anonymous]

What is the norm a for daily affection? My husband barely touches me so I’m curious how other couples are.

[Anonymous]

This is me but I am a female. I am not that affectionate to begin with and never really was. I had a few hard family deaths and became depressed but I also had a long EA with a co-worker who moved into my neighborhood to be closer to me.I have since moved far away. My DH and I stopped having any sex and my husband was begging me for affection. I felt awful and I feel like a numb monster but I do love porn. Something is wrong with me and I cannot really fix it and do not have the balls to tell a counselor or therapist. Oh well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine did that. I thought it was just a rough spot. Then he left and said he wanted a divorce. Then I discovered he's been having an affair for a year, and it was an emotional affair for about 5 years. He was affectionate- just not with me.
Get to marriage counseling asap, but also start investigating him and prepare yourself for divorce.

This is wise advice, OP. It was also my experience that now ex-H became cold, distant and critical when having an affair.

It’s cliche but true. My ex-husband also acted just like that and was having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me but I am a female. I am not that affectionate to begin with and never really was. I had a few hard family deaths and became depressed but I also had a long EA with a co-worker who moved into my neighborhood to be closer to me.I have since moved far away. My DH and I stopped having any sex and my husband was begging me for affection. I felt awful and I feel like a numb monster but I do love porn. Something is wrong with me and I cannot really fix it and do not have the balls to tell a counselor or therapist. Oh well!

This is pathetic. You are ruining your life and marriage because you don’t want to talk to a counselor? This is pretty mild in terms of problems they’ve heard about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the norm a for daily affection? My husband barely touches me so I’m curious how other couples are.

You don't at least hug every day? I can't imagine not touching my husband for an entire day unless we were in two separate places. But, we also do mornings together (we take turns with who does kids and who does dogs but we all end up in the kitchen for family breakfast at 7-7:30 then the kids get on the bus), we usually both work from home so we do lunch together when work permits, and evenings are a mix of going in two different directions for activities but at least a few days a week we're all home. So I guess we have a lot of time to interact, which maybe makes it easier to touch during the day, but even if we only saw each other mornings and evenings I can't imagine we wouldn't start and end the day with a touch of some kind. Our kids usually groan when we hug or kiss in front of them because they're tweens and everything we do is embarrassing, but this morning they joined in the hug we randomly had when we walked past each other and we all ended up in each other's arms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me but I am a female. I am not that affectionate to begin with and never really was. I had a few hard family deaths and became depressed but I also had a long EA with a co-worker who moved into my neighborhood to be closer to me.I have since moved far away. My DH and I stopped having any sex and my husband was begging me for affection. I felt awful and I feel like a numb monster but I do love porn. Something is wrong with me and I cannot really fix it and do not have the balls to tell a counselor or therapist. Oh well!

Babe, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my ex.

Towards the end she wouldn't look up from her phone when I came back from a business trip.

And for a big milestone I had planned everything and had to move it last minute because se had a meeting and had "forgotten" to put it on her calendar. She actually suggested I go on the trip without her.

I pushed it given our child was in late high school at the time. And then, in front of the counselor, came the answer: she wouldn't give me any affection because I didn't deserve it. Mic drop.

We've been divorced some time now. I've since learned many other things from our child.

A lack of regard is absolutely a huge sign. Fix it or get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention the past five years. How long have you been married? What was he like before the past five years? Do you think he was more affectionate before this, including while you were dating and engaged? Can you look back as objectively as possible and consider if affection then could have been him "masking" a basic lack of desire for affection, acknowledgement and sex?

Lack of day to day hugs is one thing; total lack of any sex for five years is quite another. There are people who don't hug or kiss but still have sex at least periodically. The fact he does neither is doubly worrying.

As someone noted above, this can be a sign of an affair. It also can be a sign of many other things: Depression (which can kill libido and make the depressed person so "dull" emotionally they have zero interest in hugs or non-sexual affection, and just sleepwalk through life and through relationships). A physical issue like thyroid or other hormonal problems. Low testosterone.

Also, did something change five years ago? Was there a big career change, or a death in his family, or you moved to a new area, or...anything? Can this be traced back in time to a period of change you and he might not have realized affected him mentally and emotionally?

I think the place to start is with a serious talk, one you have when there are no other distractions, he doesn't have to go out the door soon to do something else. No kids around. Phones off or away. And tell him that whatever the cause, the result of his lack of any outward affection, from the slightest hug to sex, is killing your regard for him, and you are asking him to (1) get a full physical workup including blood tests (be sure they test for low T, blood sugar, the works); (2) a depression screening; (3) marriage counseling to begin as soon as the other two rule out a physical or mental reason for his utter lack of interest in physical contact. And yes, you need to think hard about whether he is exhibiting any behaviors of someone having an affair--is he gone on work travel regularly, does he find he has to do extra things "at the office," etc.

I know the advice here is usually "Don't ask/confront because anyone having an affair will lie," but only you know if he would likely lie or respond by finally divulging anything that's there. But I wouldn't automatically assume an affair unless you have other reasons to suspect one.

I don’t think he’s having an affair. It could be he’s going through a tough time with family issues, experiences with friends. But he doesn’t open up about this stuff so it’s difficult to truly know.

Is that OP? Was that your one and only takeaway, the affair thing? Come on, OP. Reread. What happened five years ago? Have you told him it's time for a complete physical plus a depression screening? And why are you so afraid to say directly to him, "You don't open up about this stuff, so I have to ask point blank, are you having family or friend or work issues that are making you act as if I'm invisible?"....If you don't speak up, articulate clearly what you need, make some appointments for him, then insist he keep them or you will be talking about a change in the relationship -- how do you expect any change to happen? Get a grip and don't just say, "Well, he doesn't talk so it's hard to know...."

And yes, DCUM, I did say, make appointments for him, if she must. If he's going to be a clammed-up baby, then she has to take charge, IF she wants to salvage things. If not? She can leave and never know if possibly it wasn't an affair but he had low testosterone, or thyroid issues, or depression, or other things which could have been helped if she'd spoken up and not taken no for an answer. FFS, I do not get relationships where people just assume the worst from the start and/or never tell their spouses what they need from them. SMH.

I have had so many talks with him, I’ve lost track. It’s gotten to the point now where I am getting dejected by his non-responsive replies. Early on, he would say I’ll change, then of course he’d revert to more of the same. For my part, looking back over the years, I know I took him for granted in a lot of ways early on in our relationship. He was my first long term relationship ever. And I didn’t date much. And he knows that. As soon as I realized my behavior for what it was, I made great strides to change. But he has not. What makes it even more difficult is we have very different communication styles. I don’t beat around the bush and I also like to air things out, not let things fester. I truly believe in honest communication, not trying to make the other person somehow wrong, or to win an argument. He is the opposite of that.

I’ve been down the road of, but he’s otherwise a good guy, a good father, etc but I am human. I’ve sent him a message asking if he is available for me to plan a date night (we never have those) hoping to start a reconnect. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just ignored it.

I would never make medical appointments for him. I’d be horrified if he did that to me. I can suggest it, but to force him to go—-no way. Unless we’re both in our 80s or 90s and even then…

[Anonymous]

My wife withholds sex that I do know but there is also alot of immature behaviors in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in here that my husband was also having an affair when he became cold and distant. It was such a shock to my system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

This^^^. Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

Have you?

Are you the same jerk that just keeps asking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the norm a for daily affection? My husband barely touches me so I’m curious how other couples are.

Are you fulfilling your husband’s needs sexually?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the norm a for daily affection? My husband barely touches me so I’m curious how other couples are.

You don't at least hug every day? I can't imagine not touching my husband for an entire day unless we were in two separate places. But, we also do mornings together (we take turns with who does kids and who does dogs but we all end up in the kitchen for family breakfast at 7-7:30 then the kids get on the bus), we usually both work from home so we do lunch together when work permits, and evenings are a mix of going in two different directions for activities but at least a few days a week we're all home. So I guess we have a lot of time to interact, which maybe makes it easier to touch during the day, but even if we only saw each other mornings and evenings I can't imagine we wouldn't start and end the day with a touch of some kind. Our kids usually groan when we hug or kiss in front of them because they're tweens and everything we do is embarrassing, but this morning they joined in the hug we randomly had when we walked past each other and we all ended up in each other's arms.

My husband doesn’t hug me/kiss/ touch me very often. Def not daily. He’ also doesn’t hug/touch our kids.