Husband rewrites history

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s called gaslighting. It’s manipulative and abusive. I got out of a marriage to a man like that and am very happy with that decision.

And how did you get out from someone like this? Did you get what you deserved legally or just walk away? Kids involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[youtube]

Anonymous wrote:Gonna need an example here.

Exactly.

There is no one example. If husband is in the wrong, over time, the story will change to be more and more in his favor, until the story is completely different. It is usually if I bring up one of only a couple times of major wrongs, AND I only bring them up because he asks for examples. Only to find he has changed the story more. I do realize that DCUM likes to blame the OP.

Yes they do. Victim blaming. Along the same lines as gaslighting and stonewalling. It’s pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone does this to some degree I guess, especially as time since the incident grows. I find the type of discussions you seem to be having a complete waste of time and a relationship killer in general. When someone is in the wrong you should both mature to the point that you acknowledge/apologize for it soon after and move on.

Now if this isn’t some gaslighting I don’t know what is. No! You are wrong. Not everyone does this to some degree. This is a prime example of trying to gaslight someone. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That’s called gaslighting. It’s manipulative and abusive. I got out of a marriage to a man like that and am very happy with that decision. [/quote]

This plus common in untreated adhd or asd men. They “don’t remember” what they agreed to do or the decision or what to do, and thus they don’t remember when they failed to do what was expected of them.

The worst of them argue like a psycho their new fake narrative.

Keep a logbook of truths so you can see how often they are lying or making up falsities. Then you’ll know you can not trust nor rely on them for anything. Very unfortunate but true. [/quote]

This is my dh. I started communicating by text. Written evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone does this to some degree I guess, especially as time since the incident grows. I find the type of discussions you seem to be having a complete waste of time and a relationship killer in general. When someone is in the wrong you should both mature to the point that you acknowledge/apologize for it soon after and move on.

Now if this isn’t some gaslighting I don’t know what is. No! You are wrong. Not everyone does this to some degree. This is a prime example of trying to gaslight someone. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but if you have a psyche that demands you be right, then how do you know when that is happening. I see many people "put a positive spin" on a difficult situation, or saying what they intended isn't what someone else heard. And we all derive meaning after it is filtered through our own lens, not through the other person's lens.

This can all seem like different forms of rewriting history to people. I am guessing this is more in line of what the PP was trying to convey rather than intentionally gaslight people.

I would argue that while it's not uncommon to rewrite history, but rewriting with ill-intent is less common.

[Anonymous]

My DH did this. It isn’t pernicious and you have to take it very seriously. In him it was connected to other abusive behaviors all aligning with the idea that he could do no wrong and I was the problem.

[Anonymous]

My DH rewrites history too. He’s from Atlanta. Whenever I remind him the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl, he insists it never happened and gets mad when I try to tell him otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I have couples come to see me just to have a third-party witness to their disagreements.

I don't think it's always intentionally manipulative (though of course sometimes it is). Therapy can help determine whether it's intentional or not.

So if it’s not intentional does the mentally disordered partner go see a psychologist and psychiatrist?

Otherwise outcome is the same: major disagreements about what actually just happened or was said.

With couples, I've had success helping the person who is doing this recognize the pattern and improve. Writing things down helps. In several cases, the partner causing the issue had undiagnosed ADHD and was relieved to learn there was an explanation. I help educate both people about the issue, recommend books to read, and homework to practice between sessions.

This is a good book if one partner has ADHD (diagnosed or suspected): https://www.amazon.com/Couples-Guide-Thriving-ADHD/dp/193776110X

[Anonymous]

It can also be personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s called gaslighting. It’s manipulative and abusive. I got out of a marriage to a man like that and am very happy with that decision.

This times a billion. Get out and save yourself. I did and life is infinitely better. He will never change. You will always be the problem. I promise- run away as fast and far as you can.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[youtube]

Anonymous wrote:Gonna need an example here.

Exactly.

There is no one example. If husband is in the wrong, over time, the story will change to be more and more in his favor, until the story is completely different. It is usually if I bring up one of only a couple times of major wrongs, AND I only bring them up because he asks for examples. Only to find he has changed the story more. I do realize that DCUM likes to blame the OP.

NP, my DH does the same. Sometime I wonder if my memory is impaired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I have couples come to see me just to have a third-party witness to their disagreements.

I don't think it's always intentionally manipulative (though of course sometimes it is). Therapy can help determine whether it's intentional or not.

So if it’s not intentional does the mentally disordered partner go see a psychologist and psychiatrist?

Otherwise outcome is the same: major disagreements about what actually just happened or was said.

If someone isn't intentionally misremembering something, then they can acknowledge that their memory might not be correct and move on. Just because you remember something differently than someone else doesn't mean you're mentally disordered.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a difference between "my intent in that circumstance was different than what you thought" and "that circumstance didn't happen, or happened differently from what you thought."

I had a relationship with someone in the second bucket, and had to start writing every objective thing down (without talking about emotions). I would write it down, send it to them, ask them to confirm that objective things had happened. I grasp that this appears annoying to an outside observer, but it was the only way that I could confirm to myself that I was not going insane.

[Anonymous]

My stbx does this. One time I got fed up and did it back to him - just adamantly insisted something had happened that never happened. It was SUCH an odd feeling, both to just deliberately lie like that, and to watch him sputtering and confused. Honestly it gave me. surge of feeling powerful in that moment.

That was eye opening to me and I concluded that he in fact does it as a deliberate tactic to win arguments. I can’t really bring myself to do the same because at the end of the day I actually want to be fair (stupid me). Winning an argument because I lied isn’t a goal for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone does this to some degree I guess, especially as time since the incident grows. I find the type of discussions you seem to be having a complete waste of time and a relationship killer in general. When someone is in the wrong you should both mature to the point that you acknowledge/apologize for it soon after and move on.

Now if this isn’t some gaslighting I don’t know what is. No! You are wrong. Not everyone does this to some degree. This is a prime example of trying to gaslight someone. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but if you have a psyche that demands you be right, then how do you know when that is happening. I see many people "put a positive spin" on a difficult situation, or saying what they intended isn't what someone else heard. And we all derive meaning after it is filtered through our own lens, not through the other person's lens.

This can all seem like different forms of rewriting history to people. I am guessing this is more in line of what the PP was trying to convey rather than intentionally gaslight people.

I would argue that while it's not uncommon to rewrite history, but rewriting with ill-intent is less common.

DP. I think you are right, but I also think that most gaslighting is done unconsciously and without ill intent. Even so, it’s damaging to the relationship and makes your spouse feel crazy. Especially if you do it often and in every argument.

I do agree that once you are to the point where you are giving examples from earlier in your marriage of how one person is always wrong and the other is always right, you are just wasting time and hurting your relationship.