Maybe she doesn’t like you because you are too long-winded and self-focused. I couldn’t get through even half of your me-me-me rambling. |
Yeah, right. |
Save the thread subject line, posters here seem to be grappling more with how they feel about/how to handle this behavior than what to call it. Maybe labeling this conduct as narcissistic is not apt, but selfish and toxic behavior can also be pernicious and wearisome for those on the receiving end, especially when grinding on for decades. |
Please tell me why you invite these kind of people into your home and they meet your friend group? WHY? It's one thing if you are at a family event and see them. A pleasant hello is fine, but why do you keep trying? I don't want to hear that your DH wants to invite the asIL over. He can handle it and I would find something else to do. |
+1 A few years all the bad people were BPD. I really hate the armchair diagnosing- definitely one of the plagues of social media. One of the worst things it does is encouraging people to go “no contact” at the drop of a hat. Now, I don’t want to minimize DV, and there are times where that is definitely the safe thing to do. Most people that we find problematic can be dealt with using boundaries. Set reasonable boundaries, keep them, don’t fight. If someone is super toxic, they’ll cut YOU off in response to boundaries (but that doesn’t happen very often, because we aren’t actually as overrun with “narcs” or whatever else as the internet wants us to believe). |
We are talking nearly 30 years. In the beginning, I was focused on being a good IL. There was a dust up and a course correction for awhile with the behavior. Then the next set of years, there were family gatherings and DH and I wanted to support bonding of cousins. When there are religious events and coming of age celebrations, friends are going to meet family. There were some challenges but we worked to limit overlaps. The last ten years have been somewhat similar but the aging parents’ dynamic has been a bit of a hiccup. My ILs have been wonderful grandparents to our kids and so I’m willing to show up for what could be last times together. This visit hit hard - we’ve got some stuff going on so I’m sure that was part of it. There won’t be one for awhile unless something happens with the parents. And since we just hosted the parents, DH can say “no” if S/BiL insist they come when the cousins get together this summer. |
How do you set a boundary for someone who is always turning the conversation back to themselves? I’m just used to a conversation going back and forth, not to someone asking a question, then interrupting the answer to continue their monologue. |
First, is it really intolerable, or just an annoyance? If the latter, maybe you let it go. If it’s intolerable you can pick an amount of time you can live with. 5-10-15 minutes? If you can’t have a conversation at that point, just smile and say, “It’s been great hearing about XYZ! I’m off to the [pool, kitchen, talk to Aunt Diana, whatever]. See you later.” And walk away. I have a cousin who will tell you every moment of his day, like putting his socks on. He will not stop. We have to just get up and walk away. It’s probably a trauma thing (over talking sometimes is) with him. He’s not a bad person, he can be very kind. He *receives* info through email. |
I'm 44, used to think that until I realized I just don't know what it is. I have an ADHD/ASD husband and son, know what those symptoms are and recognize them in others. But narcissism? Not quite sure. I can only assume that people with diagnosed relatives recognize strangers who they feel present the same way. |
With two long posters above it seems to be the typical queen bee wannabe who undermines the other female in the family. Not too complicated. |
Why do you need to set a boundary with something so minor? There’s nothing abusive or toxic about this. |
It’s one example. |
It’s been decades. We’re past annoyance. |
Not sure if she’s a narcissist but SIL’s “thing” was she was a good mother and daughter because she was the only one of the four (three brothers) who had children/grandchildren for the parents and she stayed at home to care for them. She demanded special treatment which basically meant their mother paid all their living expenses (husband was a cheating deadbeat but she was too embarrassed to be a divorcee) so she could sit at home on the couch. She turned into a raving lunatic when the mother died and the brothers did not gift her their quarter inheritances. |
But it does suck. |