Help me love my ill spouse

[Anonymous]

As to the help:

I would remind you of the vows you took, assuming you meant them. I would encourage you to get into caregiver support group and individual therapy to have places to talk about your frustrations. I would encourage you to encourage your husband to also get therapy and connect with support groups for patients with his condition. I would encourage you to make date nights happen at home and spend time every day being able to listen to husband’s laments and also tell him that it’s hard to feel like you can’t burden him with your own problems because his seem to overwhelm the relationship. It’s okay for him to hear that, to get out of his own head and realize how he’s impacting you.

[Anonymous]

Ok. Just a couple reactions. First, it is perfectly fine to use errands as much as you need to do them to get some normalcy. That shouldn't be hurtful to your spouse.

Second. Can you find any t.v. shows or comedy specials or anything that you can sit and watch for a while together to just get some laughter into your lives? You both need to break out of negative thinking, and just having a laugh or two can help. Better if it can be regular or a long-duration entertainment.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Individual and couples. I’m sorry, but he needs to be grateful that you are fulfilling your end of the bargain and sticking with him for better or worse and he has to try, especially if you’re doing everything for him and the children. If this is a lifelong condition and he’s never going to get better, he cannot expect that you will be a nursemaid forever and never be able to have your emotional needs met. That is incredibly self centered. What happens if you get some kind of cancer? Who will care for you? Your children? I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

Are you like this for 5 years, going for another 5? If not, you have no business lecturing OP. Go back to your lane.

[Anonymous]

So I’ve been there with a spouse with a chronic and life-threatening illness. I’ve unfortunately been there multiple times (with the same spouse and multiple illnesses, not multiple spouses).

I think the best thing you can do right now, OP, is to take very good care of yourself. That means different things to different people. Whether it’s sleep, exercise, socializing, or something else, just make sure you are devoting time to it. If you feel like you need therapy, find individual therapy. My spouse has countless appointments already and isn’t receptive to individual or couples therapy right now. So, I go solo.

I’ve had to accept the current state of my marriage and grieve for what we lost. There are a lot of things we used to do together that my spouse can’t do or doesn’t want to do anymore (extreme fatigue is a symptom of one of the medical conditions we deal with). That doesn’t mean I can’t do these things, though.

I work hard to cultivate gratitude and let go of anger and bitterness. Most days, I am successful.

Good luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I’ve been there with a spouse with a chronic and life-threatening illness. I’ve unfortunately been there multiple times (with the same spouse and multiple illnesses, not multiple spouses).

I think the best thing you can do right now, OP, is to take very good care of yourself. That means different things to different people. Whether it’s sleep, exercise, socializing, or something else, just make sure you are devoting time to it. If you feel like you need therapy, find individual therapy. My spouse has countless appointments already and isn’t receptive to individual or couples therapy right now. So, I go solo.

I’ve had to accept the current state of my marriage and grieve for what we lost. There are a lot of things we used to do together that my spouse can’t do or doesn’t want to do anymore (extreme fatigue is a symptom of one of the medical conditions we deal with). That doesn’t mean I can’t do these things, though.

I work hard to cultivate gratitude and let go of anger and bitterness. Most days, I am successful.

Good luck to you, OP.

This is the way, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

Are you like this for 5 years, going for another 5? If not, you have no business lecturing OP. Go back to your lane.

I'm on year 3 and pregnancy 9 of this hell, so yes?

[Anonymous]

Have you told him he's in danger of losing you? Maybe he needs to hear that. Then give him two or three specific things you need from him in order to keep digging in while times are tough. Remind him one person can't be the sole taker while the other is the sole giver - that it needs to be somewhat balanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

Are you like this for 5 years, going for another 5? If not, you have no business lecturing OP. Go back to your lane.

I'm on year 3 and pregnancy 9 of this hell, so yes?

DP. Your situation is clearly not the same as OP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

Are you like this for 5 years, going for another 5? If not, you have no business lecturing OP. Go back to your lane.

I'm on year 3 and pregnancy 9 of this hell, so yes?

DP. Your situation is clearly not the same as OP's.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

Are you like this for 5 years, going for another 5? If not, you have no business lecturing OP. Go back to your lane.

I'm on year 3 and pregnancy 9 of this hell, so yes?

NP. Regardless of the number of years, your situation is completely different. You were talking about a temporary infertility situation and you’re in that in order to create children for you both. That is completely different from a long term Ronica health condition. It’s not appropriate for you to equate the two.

[Anonymous]

Take a vacation by yourself. And get therapy. Not feeling well is awful and he is caught up in it. Tell him you will talk for 15 minutes a day about his issues, After that he can talk to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy. Individual and couples. I’m sorry, but he needs to be grateful that you are fulfilling your end of the bargain and sticking with him for better or worse and he has to try, especially if you’re doing everything for him and the children. If this is a lifelong condition and he’s never going to get better, he cannot expect that you will be a nursemaid forever and never be able to have your emotional needs met. That is incredibly self centered. What happens if you get some kind of cancer? Who will care for you? Your children? I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

The bolded above is exactly right. He has forgotten that you need something from him still.

I agree, start with therapy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you clarify a bit more about his condition? Are there support groups for caregivers in your situation? To be fair, two months is not an especially long time to be dealing with an illness. Do you have friends you can spend some time with?

OP here. 2 months without sex. He has been dealing with this illness for around 5 years. His condition is still getting figured out. I do have friends I can spend time with but we have kids and I have to deal with them. He snaps, he is cranky and always moody so I leave them to only run errands for my sanity.

Only 2 months? Look up prostate cancer and come back to us after you've read about the side effects of that surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

Are you like this for 5 years, going for another 5? If not, you have no business lecturing OP. Go back to your lane.

+1 Yoir experience is not relevant.