Make-or-break conversation timing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

It sounds like you're going there to break up with him.

What is the nature of the make or break? I think that matters.

I feel that he asks more of me than he himself is willing to give in our relationship. I’m actually fine with either more or less, but believe it should be fair not one-sided.

I don't know how old you are, OP - and I don't know if I'd have listened to this same advice when I was young and dating: but just break up with the guy, and make yourself open to meet someone who will gladly be the partner you deserve. There will always be compromise and negotiation in relationships - and no one will be perfect. But now, before you're married - you're getting a sense of who he is and what he wants to give. And it's not enough.

I'd say if you need to do this in person instead of on the phone, fly there and tell him you are done. You can spend the weekend together if you still want to or not, whatever seems right to you. But don't keep yourself in limbo like this.

We’re both fairly young, but I hear you. I think I’d like to have a one last nice weekend together before amicably parting ways if we can’t get on the same page, but will of course respect his wishes if that doesn’t work for him.

Sure why not (unless that makes him feel used). But also just beware of him making promises just to try to keep you. Again, not that I'd necessarily have listened to this advice when I was going through this myself, way back when. But talk is easy, and people who feel something slipping out of their grasp will say a lot to try to stop that from happening.

Thanks for the advice! I don’t think he’ll feel used since I’ll be upfront with him. And yes, he’ll need to put his money where his mouth is if he makes any promises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long-distance BF and I have been dating a little over a year, and there’s been some strain in the relationship recently that we haven’t been able to really address over the phone. I’ll be flying to visit soon and believe we should use the opportunity to hash things out in person once and for all, but am unsure of timing. We’ve missed each other so much that I’d like to spend the first couple days simply enjoying being together; however, would it be in poor form to wait until the night before I leave to have a serious conversation that has make-or-break implications?

See bold.

We get it; you want to “enjoy being together” (Read: sex). And who would not want that?!

One-last-fling, so to speak.

But if you bring up the break up first thing, you deny yourself the sex you want. Don’t do that.

Get the refundable ticket. Enjoy your “being together” with him. Once you’ve had enough then break up with him and fly home.

When it comes to sex or no sex, men rarely feel “used.” He will be fine either way.

[Anonymous]

Why the rush? Get your o and his too and figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Interesting, originally the consensus seemed to be talk right away, but now it seems to be enjoy time together first. Confused now.

[Anonymous]

I'd just break up over the phone. Going to visit with the idea you are likely to break up and fly home early seems unfair and unlikely to actually be a "nice weekend." If that happened to me I would feel super manipulated. If it is not working, it's not working. It doesn't seem like he is pulling out all stops to have the visit go well, does it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just break up over the phone. Going to visit with the idea you are likely to break up and fly home early seems unfair and unlikely to actually be a "nice weekend." If that happened to me I would feel super manipulated. If it is not working, it's not working. It doesn't seem like he is pulling out all stops to have the visit go well, does it?

Are you a mid-20s guy?

[Anonymous]

I’d cancel the trip and break up over the phone. This is too much drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

It sounds like you're going there to break up with him.

What is the nature of the make or break? I think that matters.

I feel that he asks more of me than he himself is willing to give in our relationship. I’m actually fine with either more or less, but believe it should be fair not one-sided.

DP - This seems like a fairly big issue. Has this been discussed before? If you have never mentioned it before maybe being in person and talking it thru is better. If this is something you have already brought up more than once, I honestly think it would be better not to go unless you had the make or break conversation prior and they wanted to change and they wanted to move in that direction during your trip. Otherwise you are wasting your time trying to change someone who does not want to change.

[Anonymous]

Break up and cancel the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I feel that he asks more of me than he himself is willing to give in our relationship. I’m actually fine with either more or less, but believe it should be fair not one-sided.

That’s totally a throwaway statement. It’s completely meaningless without specifics of what you mean by stuff being “asked”.

What you wrote there could be written by someone who is completely justified in their feelings. Or it also could be written by someone who is bat-s*** crazy. It’s all in the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just break up over the phone. Going to visit with the idea you are likely to break up and fly home early seems unfair and unlikely to actually be a "nice weekend." If that happened to me I would feel super manipulated. If it is not working, it's not working. It doesn't seem like he is pulling out all stops to have the visit go well, does it?

Are you a mid-20s guy?

no