School Has Broken His Spirit and Crushed His Soul, what to do now?

[Anonymous]

Oh man. This post perfectly describes my child and experience. Very similar situation/age/profile, and we are trying to work through the same things now. I wish I had answers, but can just want to offer commiseration. I see you! This is so very hard for all involved.

[Anonymous]

I also had a similar experience with an adhd child MS was not great and HS was miserable. I will say that one thing that helped in HS was mood medication - it is well known that ADHD includes an emotional component - larger than typical emotions, difficulty regulating emotions, oppositionality and sensitivity to rejection or criticism - and for MY DC a medicine to address mood in addition to a medicine to address attention made him happier and more functional. I know that people love to poo-poo meds for teenagers as "dangerous" but meds gave me my happy, optimistic kid back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son sounds exactly like mine - also in 6th grade and also severe ADHD. He also has dyslexia. Public MCPS middle school has been terrible for him. At home, he is happier, outgoing, helps around the house, etc. It is school that makes him miserable and he refuses to do any work while at school. We cannot afford private school, unfortunately, but we are going to try an educational advocate to see if anything can improve for him in the current setting.

Your sons are rational. MCPS is the problem. You need to home school or move.

[Anonymous]

coworker had a child just like this and fusion was GREAT for him.

He also shelled out to send him to a residential program for a few weeks where he did intensive therapy, but by that time he had addiction issues and profound depression. It was very impactful for him.

[Anonymous]

OP - Have you had you son screened for an underlying mental health condition such as depression besides the ADHD? It would seem that he needs a psychiatrist with an interest in adolescents to do such and evaluation and follow how the medication work beyond a PCP. Also, has he ever had a full work-up with a neuro-psych evaluation? It is very expensive, but it may be necessary to pinpoint a more complex mix of ASD, ADHD and a mix of possible anxiety or depression. A therapist might be the most important starting point who he could trust to hear him out on school etc. and perhaps help him figure out how he can make school work a bit better as in choosing a club, sport, or other interest to explore. There must be some parent support groups that could serve as a resource as so many express similar needs even in t his one thread.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you to keep good documentation with the school, you child's exhibited behavior, IEP meeting notes, school response and current intervention, has school followed his IEP? if so why its not working? Home school is certain an option but we are letting "them" off the hook. I have done homeschool before, child like mine (very similar profile with yours) needs to be group setting so he/she can learn.

Public school (funded by our tax money) are by law, require to provide our kids with a free and appropriate public education, and education is not limited to math and ELA or science etc, it also includes his social emotional development, self management etc. School needs to create a tailored plan that works for your child, If they are not, you need hold them accountable, You can file a state complaint on your own, you can file a due process (with or without a lawyer) I usually suggest to have a lawyer if you plan to file due process. My point is that what your child is entitled to, don't let it go so easily.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much for your replies, advice, cautions, and sharing your experiences. To answer some of the questions, he has had neurospsych evaluations both through the school and through Childrens, resulting in his current diagnoses, which so far have not included a depression diagnosis. But clearly this is coming into play after years of feeling inadequate in school. He is now going through another round of assessments with his school. Together with our advocate, we've been really hoping for a placement determination, but I'm wondering what schools might be good for us to seek placement in, and I worry about him being accepted. Since he is at this point unwilling to try (after so many years of being told "Just TRY to focus and DO YOUR BEST!" ) I don't have the feeling that Fusion would work well for him, even if we could afford it. Or me homeschooling him with the aid of an online program. I think he'd pretty much refuse to follow the direction of even a one-on-one teacher, or certainly direction from me. In my mind, knowing him, I feel like he would need to come around "in spite of himself," such as if he's in a whole new environment where he finds himself actually understanding the lessons, despite his best efforts to put up a wall and remain unengaged. Every once in awhile he'll talk to us about something he's learned in one of his classes in particular (only one of them), so it seems like there are those rare moments when some information makes its way in and connects with him. I'm wishing there could be more of those moments if he's in a better environment, even if he goes into it with no intention to try. In that vein, if anyone has had successes with private MANSEF placements for severe ADHD and below grade level students, I'd be grateful if you could share. Thank you again, the responses have been extremely helpful.

[Anonymous]

We had a horrible 6th grade year, did not switch schools, and things got better (even good, in 8th/9th). Not saying it had been smooth sailing since, but it is partly the age.

[Anonymous]

We have resigned ourselves to never retiring, but we're paying for special needs private. It saved our kid's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have resigned ourselves to never retiring, but we're paying for special needs private. It saved our kid's life.

in the same boat. I see you. Sending good vibes.

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry you are going through this. I have no experience with MCPS. I do have experience with Outward Bound, and he might benefit from one of their summer sessions. I would encourage you to look into that, or into some similar summer camp program that allows kids to be in a new setting and work through some of their feelings in a supportive setting.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the only thing that worked for us is moving. We took our DC (anxiety, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia) out of DC to the midwest. The school is amazing and they are finally thriving. Literally thriving because they are in their perfect environment. I understand that no everyone is able to do a move like that, but our kid was drowning at FCPS. Major school avoidance, low self esteem, high anxiety, not making any progress, etc. Now they are thrilled to go to school, the self confidence is soaring and there's talk about moving them up a grade level for math.

Yes it is a private, but even at that not all public schools are alike. We've found the smaller, midwest public schools also provide far better accommodations. Another new family to our neighborhood have a child who has autism and often elopes. After coming to this public school they no longer even attempt to elope. They enjoy school too much and are doing incredibly well. If you can move further away from the city to a smaller public school pyramid that actually helps kids who need accommodations run there! I wish I knew of some in the DC area off hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the only thing that worked for us is moving. We took our DC (anxiety, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia) out of DC to the midwest. The school is amazing and they are finally thriving. Literally thriving because they are in their perfect environment. I understand that no everyone is able to do a move like that, but our kid was drowning at FCPS. Major school avoidance, low self esteem, high anxiety, not making any progress, etc. Now they are thrilled to go to school, the self confidence is soaring and there's talk about moving them up a grade level for math.

Yes it is a private, but even at that not all public schools are alike. We've found the smaller, midwest public schools also provide far better accommodations. Another new family to our neighborhood have a child who has autism and often elopes. After coming to this public school they no longer even attempt to elope. They enjoy school too much and are doing incredibly well. If you can move further away from the city to a smaller public school pyramid that actually helps kids who need accommodations run there! I wish I knew of some in the DC area off hand.

Where is this amazing Midwest school?

[Anonymous]

Go private. It's the environment of public not just getting the IEP and support in school.

DS was one thing after another when we discovered ADHD dyslexia and anxiety summer of 4th grade. It got worse and worse until we found the right meds of Lexapro and Focalin. He's now thriving in 8th and A student. It feels like a Fing miracle I tell you.

We moved him into Pvt set up for learning disabilities. What you need is to not look at support in school but where your kid is going to be comfortable as a setting. Maybe that's homeschool for a yr maybe a smaller school. I'd also suggest therapy which further helped our kid but only after we found the right meds.

I am telling you meds are key. They won't be able to use the tools you give them until they can process them and use them no matter how good intentioned anyone is.

[Anonymous]

PS ^ I'm not suggesting you not ID issues to address but at a certain point just start implementing the solutions you know he needs. Stop doing rounds of assessments as this does nothing but make your kid even more alienated. Our kid was told he needed so many things to help him but we were like well unless we stopped working and solely focused on speech therapy + regular therapy + tutoring + an activity after school he wouldn't be addressing his issues . The truth is he prob does need all this but who wants to feel like they require all this work? We only did tutoring and piano. After meds we added therapy and we've never done speech therapy but you know what? One day at a time. For now he's fine. He's not 100% and that's OK. He's getting As has a few friends and although anxiety and depression are still lurking he's getting by pretty well one day at a time. I'll take him at 90% and happy enough v 100% and not as happy.

My best advice is to stop trying to fix and lecture. Do 1-2 things to help him with what you're sure he needs help with - personally I'd try meds. Then you think about school choices. It's just about May so it's not a long way to go to next yr anyway. You're not going to be able to fix him in one day doing one thing. It's going to take some time so manage your expectations about how much you need to assess!