If I show up at an event on my ex’s parenting time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to do this all the time with my son’s after school inter-mural games. I had a rigid schedule and commute that prevented me from getting there, but my ex had a more flexible schedule, so he would go and offer to take my son for ice cream after, leaving me to be the bad guy who misses the game but arrives in time to say “no ice cream, we need to get home for homework.”

Just another AH move from an all around AH.

Without the ice cream would you have objected?

Of course not - that’s the point of the manipulation. If I object, it’s “sorry, buddy, your mom doesn’t want to let me see you play even though she can’t be there.”

DS is older now and we’ve talked about it and he certainly sees it in a different light (consistent with his father’s other manipulative behaviors). But at the time, it was rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to do this all the time with my son’s after school inter-mural games. I had a rigid schedule and commute that prevented me from getting there, but my ex had a more flexible schedule, so he would go and offer to take my son for ice cream after, leaving me to be the bad guy who misses the game but arrives in time to say “no ice cream, we need to get home for homework.”

Just another AH move from an all around AH.

Without the ice cream would you have objected?

Of course not - that’s the point of the manipulation. If I object, it’s “sorry, buddy, your mom doesn’t want to let me see you play even though she can’t be there.”

DS is older now and we’ve talked about it and he certainly sees it in a different light (consistent with his father’s other manipulative behaviors). But at the time, it was rough.

Isn't it true that you don't want him to see the kid play, even though you can't be there?

I get how the asking the kid to go out for ice cream, when it takes away from your time with him and your priorities for him, is manipulative. I don't get how watching him play is. I'd like to understand, because I'd like to understand where my ex is coming from.

[Anonymous]

No, not with a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my ex isn’t there, something like a Halloween party at school, or a school soccer game or band concert. Is that a potential legal problem?

We have ROFR but school is excluded from that. I would show up and cheer or whatever is appropriate, and leave without taking the child.

Our agreement doesn’t address this and I would have no problems if ex did the same.

I don't think the order has to address this. You both have the right to be at your child's school event/activities. Of course, the child would go home with whomever's parenting time it is.

My ex and I are pretty amicable. We both usually go to dc's events. When the event is over, if it's his time I say 'bye Larlo, have a good day at school tomorrow and I'll pick you up after!' or something like that. My dc likes for the both of us to attend things when we can.

[Anonymous]

Yes, school is your kid's space and both parents should be present regardless of whose parenting time it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to do this all the time with my son’s after school inter-mural games. I had a rigid schedule and commute that prevented me from getting there, but my ex had a more flexible schedule, so he would go and offer to take my son for ice cream after, leaving me to be the bad guy who misses the game but arrives in time to say “no ice cream, we need to get home for homework.”

Just another AH move from an all around AH.

Without the ice cream would you have objected?

Of course not - that’s the point of the manipulation. If I object, it’s “sorry, buddy, your mom doesn’t want to let me see you play even though she can’t be there.”

DS is older now and we’ve talked about it and he certainly sees it in a different light (consistent with his father’s other manipulative behaviors). But at the time, it was rough.

Isn't it true that you don't want him to see the kid play, even though you can't be there?

I get how the asking the kid to go out for ice cream, when it takes away from your time with him and your priorities for him, is manipulative. I don't get how watching him play is. I'd like to understand, because I'd like to understand where my ex is coming from.

Mom could flex her day or use leave if its something important but she choose not to go. That's not unreasonable for dad to go and take the kid for ice cream. If mom has more custody, even more of a reason for dad to try to see kid every chase he gets.

That's not manipulative, that's just being a decent parent.

[Anonymous]

My ex is a horrible manipulative disordered person and parent, and co-parenting is impossible with him, but we still both go to our children's practices, games, and school events, no matter whose parenting time it is. We don't sit or stand next to each other and we're not buddy-buddy, but we are civil to each other. We are both allowed to be at all sports/school events, no matter what. The absolute nightmare he perpetuates is carefully kept under wraps by him - he has a façade to maintain (but it does slip at times).

The only time this would be an issue legally is if there's a protective order in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to do this all the time with my son’s after school inter-mural games. I had a rigid schedule and commute that prevented me from getting there, but my ex had a more flexible schedule, so he would go and offer to take my son for ice cream after, leaving me to be the bad guy who misses the game but arrives in time to say “no ice cream, we need to get home for homework.”

Just another AH move from an all around AH.

Oh look, another moron who cares more about sticking it to his ex than making their child happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to do this all the time with my son’s after school inter-mural games. I had a rigid schedule and commute that prevented me from getting there, but my ex had a more flexible schedule, so he would go and offer to take my son for ice cream after, leaving me to be the bad guy who misses the game but arrives in time to say “no ice cream, we need to get home for homework.”

Just another AH move from an all around AH.

Without the ice cream would you have objected?

Of course not - that’s the point of the manipulation. If I object, it’s “sorry, buddy, your mom doesn’t want to let me see you play even though she can’t be there.”

DS is older now and we’ve talked about it and he certainly sees it in a different light (consistent with his father’s other manipulative behaviors). But at the time, it was rough.

Why the hell would you object? Your only priority should be that your child feels supported but here you are worried about the most trivial shit. I see you also manipulated your child into believing that your ex was somehow bad for wanting to be there. GEEZ

I'm a woman BTW and as much as I don't like my ex, he is always welcome to support our son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to do this all the time with my son’s after school inter-mural games. I had a rigid schedule and commute that prevented me from getting there, but my ex had a more flexible schedule, so he would go and offer to take my son for ice cream after, leaving me to be the bad guy who misses the game but arrives in time to say “no ice cream, we need to get home for homework.”

Just another AH move from an all around AH.

Without the ice cream would you have objected?

Of course not - that’s the point of the manipulation. If I object, it’s “sorry, buddy, your mom doesn’t want to let me see you play even though she can’t be there.”

DS is older now and we’ve talked about it and he certainly sees it in a different light (consistent with his father’s other manipulative behaviors). But at the time, it was rough.

Why the hell would you object? Your only priority should be that your child feels supported but here you are worried about the most trivial shit. I see you also manipulated your child into believing that your ex was somehow bad for wanting to be there. GEEZ

I'm a woman BTW and as much as I don't like my ex, he is always welcome to support our son.

PP clearly states that it's the repeated offer of a trip for ice cream during PP's custody time and at a time when PP needs to get DS home for dinner and homework that she objects to, not the fact that XH goes to the games. And the fact that if she objects to the ice cream, XH paints her as the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to do this all the time with my son’s after school inter-mural games. I had a rigid schedule and commute that prevented me from getting there, but my ex had a more flexible schedule, so he would go and offer to take my son for ice cream after, leaving me to be the bad guy who misses the game but arrives in time to say “no ice cream, we need to get home for homework.”

Just another AH move from an all around AH.

Without the ice cream would you have objected?

Of course not - that’s the point of the manipulation. If I object, it’s “sorry, buddy, your mom doesn’t want to let me see you play even though she can’t be there.”

DS is older now and we’ve talked about it and he certainly sees it in a different light (consistent with his father’s other manipulative behaviors). But at the time, it was rough.

Why the hell would you object? Your only priority should be that your child feels supported but here you are worried about the most trivial shit. I see you also manipulated your child into believing that your ex was somehow bad for wanting to be there. GEEZ

I'm a woman BTW and as much as I don't like my ex, he is always welcome to support our son.

PP clearly states that it's the repeated offer of a trip for ice cream during PP's custody time and at a time when PP needs to get DS home for dinner and homework that she objects to, not the fact that XH goes to the games. And the fact that if she objects to the ice cream, XH paints her as the bad guy.

She seems to be saying that if he didn't offer ice cream it would still be manipulation, but that she wouldn't be able to object because he'd use it against her, and tell her kid "Mom doesn't want me to come".

It's possible that she just worded it really poorly and she meant something else.

[Anonymous]

To everyone asking why would you object.....not op, but similar situation and grandparents show up instead of dad. It's awkward. They don't talk to me and side with deadbeat. I get dirty looks and it makes me uncomfortable. Kid is now in high school and the show of force on dads side is embarrassing. He feels weird having grandparents and sometimes dad show up....in addition to me, my husband and step brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To everyone asking why would you object.....not op, but similar situation and grandparents show up instead of dad. It's awkward. They don't talk to me and side with deadbeat. I get dirty looks and it makes me uncomfortable. Kid is now in high school and the show of force on dads side is embarrassing. He feels weird having grandparents and sometimes dad show up....in addition to me, my husband and step brother.

OP here,

I’m asking about situations where the parent whose day it is isn’t there.

[Anonymous]

I go and pay for all of kids extracurricular activities. Ex told me he would pay for half if I only showed up to half of the games and practices. I told him no way. Keep your money. So I pay for everything and he is welcome to attend everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I go and pay for all of kids extracurricular activities. Ex told me he would pay for half if I only showed up to half of the games and practices. I told him no way. Keep your money. So I pay for everything and he is welcome to attend everything.

If you are getting child support, activities are included in that so you shouldn't be demanding he pay. You can ask, but not demand and dictate.