Perfect guy but he makes less money than me

[Anonymous]

I think OP is lying to herself.

"He makes $80, but I'd be fine if he makes $100"

That's only $20k different. Thats not enough to SAH vs $80k. She is not going to magically feel less resentful because he makes $100, because what she actually wants is someone to support her. That's going to be at least her income or higher. If that's what she wants thats fine, but that clearly isnt this guy, and she needs to be a better dater to find someone compatible.

OP you need to be brutally honest here. With your partner AND with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Either you love him or you don't. My husband is 40 and makes 90k. I'm not mad about it. Apparently men with average incomes are supposed to die alone because we women are all too good for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either you love him or you don't. My husband is 40 and makes 90k. I'm not mad about it. Apparently men with average incomes are supposed to die alone because we women are all too good for them?

They can marry women with similar incomes and lifestyle expectations

[Anonymous]

I have a friend in the DMV who is a SAHM with a husband who makes about $150K. They live in a decent house in a marginal DMV neighborhood (that they've not been able to maintain) and struggle to get by, as in their kids don't go to camp, dance lessons, music lessons, join soccer teams, etc... They only have one car. They don't take even domestic vacations. The whole SAHM is a bad idea if the mom has the ability to out earn a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if you met him at a different point in life this could work. Like, if you met after your kids were in college and you had already set aside the money in their 529. But in your situation, YOU need to be the income earner. Not sure why you think either of you should be a SAHP since that's actually no longer a UMC thing (at least not in the DMV). But if you insist on it, why can't it be him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either you love him or you don't. My husband is 40 and makes 90k. I'm not mad about it. Apparently men with average incomes are supposed to die alone because we women are all too good for them?

They can marry women with similar incomes and lifestyle expectations

Those women all believe they deserve More and this isn't even new. My friends mom blew up her family over this in the early 2000s --her husband was just MC and she thought she was hot enough to trade up.

[Anonymous]

I really can't imagine caring about a partner's salary as long as he has a good work ethic and makes me feel amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do that you make 180 at 29?

OP here. I’m a CRNA.

Why do you keep posting the same thing over and over again?

She likes the attention

[Anonymous]

I am not reading all 9 pages (it’s not TWOP) but I think the issue is you need to really face the fact that life sometimes/often/usually doesn’t work out the way we planned in our head.

Really doubt there is some perfect guy out there for you where you don’t have to make any adjustments to your “list” or expectations.

Now maybe you should break up with this guy since you don’t come off as that emotionally attached to him but don’t think you are promised some “better” version.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can only dream of making 80K, as your guy does. I am a chemistry teacher with a master's degree and no teacher in my state can make more than 80K, even with 30+ years of teaching and multiple degrees.

I grew up with a sahm mom and a low-level white collar dad. We made our own fun and did not expect paid-for activities. It was an idyllic childhood and one I am giving to my own child by having summers and many other days off. (I'm a single mom by choice.)

Ohh OP -- if you can't manage a really good life on 180K you should never, ever become the money manager of your own household.

Drop this terrific guy and let someone else deserve him. You sound very grounded in the "a man is the earner of the household" mentality.

[Anonymous]

99% of Americans do not earn 180$ a year. This is the weirdest question i have ever read on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend in the DMV who is a SAHM with a husband who makes about $150K. They live in a decent house in a marginal DMV neighborhood (that they've not been able to maintain) and struggle to get by, as in their kids don't go to camp, dance lessons, music lessons, join soccer teams, etc... They only have one car. They don't take even domestic vacations. The whole SAHM is a bad idea if the mom has the ability to out earn a nanny.

This sounds like how OP grew up, which she resents. And now she wants to SAH and give her kids the same life... instead of just working and giving them the opportunities she say she missed out on.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a loser. You should hook up with a doctor who makes real money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend in the DMV who is a SAHM with a husband who makes about $150K. They live in a decent house in a marginal DMV neighborhood (that they've not been able to maintain) and struggle to get by, as in their kids don't go to camp, dance lessons, music lessons, join soccer teams, etc... They only have one car. They don't take even domestic vacations. The whole SAHM is a bad idea if the mom has the ability to out earn a nanny.

This sounds like how OP grew up, which she resents. And now she wants to SAH and give her kids the same life... instead of just working and giving them the opportunities she say she missed out on.

OP is clear in her post that she wants a better life for herself and her future kids than what her parents gave her. This issue of wanting to get ahead and not relive her family of origin seems foundational - she's described how hard she worked to put herself through college and grad school to reach a point where she is now making $180k. If she were to be a SAHM with a man whose salary tops out at $80k, she wouldn't be able to give her kids any more advantages than she had. She's already said she felt like it wasn't enough. She wants more. She could work as the primary breadwinner and accept that her DH makes less. I doubt this scenario works for OP, as she's mentioned wanting to stay home for some time. This could lead to resentment if she can't because she makes so much more than her husband.

No one disputes that the guy she's dating who makes $80k might be a great guy, and someone else would be lucky to have him. Some people here claim they can live great on a HHI of $80k, so they'd find him a catch. Other women are happy to outearn their spouses, provided their spouses pick up the slack at home (but be weary; mothers who are breadwinners plus the default parent often grow resentful). From what I've read, I don't think this guy is for OP. She likely would be happiest with someone with similar ambitions, values, and work ethic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large part of your family's inability to pay for experiences for you and your siblings was having 6 kids. There aren't a lot of families of that did that can do that. Stick with one or two and you would be just fine on your income and a lower earning husband.

80k is really low. If I was OP, I would just have a child on my own and switch to more flexible job. She can live in apartment. But I wouldn’t be giving such a huge credit to a man who has no desire to become an equal partner. She wouldn’t need to split custody if they divorce, etc.

I know cases where female nurses and doctors were on hook for life time alimony to lower paid exHs.

80K is above average. Some people just live in a bubble.