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Facebook and infertility
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Anonymous
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A friend of mine posted this on her facebook page, imploring her friends with babies to "think about what they're posting" and "try to put themselves in the shoes of others whose lives are not like theirs." I think the link is really funny: http://jezebel.com/5680665/what-facebook-feed-looks-like-when-all-your-friends-have-babies and at the same time, I understand that it must be difficult when dealing with infertility to keep seeing more and more friends getting pregnant, having babies, etc. Then, I read this: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/24/AR2010102402642.html?hpid=topnews
I post pictures of my DS on Facebook mostly for family and good friends who don't get to see him otherwise. I also love looking at pictures of my friends' kids (and I loved looking at pics of their kids before I got pregnant but when I was really really hoping to get pregnant soon). I mean no harm and I don't mean to offend anyone. But, I don't believe anyone should have to censor what they post just because of different life stages, interests, struggles, etc. If I don't post pictures of my kid, then should I have refrained from posting pictures of my wedding lest they upset someone who is single? I'm just curious to know others' opinions about this. |
Anonymous
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Post what you like, they have the option of hiding you if they don't want to see what you've got to say for a while.
I am saying this as someone who fought with infertility for 3 years. |
Anonymous
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I have dealt with infertility for many years and just had my first child. I read the WP article when it came out and yes, I also posted it on my FB page. I'm sure I'll get flamed by those who don't understand the pain of infertility, but for me, it's not the pictures of others children that upset me. Mainly it's the ultrasound pictures, the pregnant belly pictures and the constant references to pregnancy that bother me.
You mentioned that you loved looking at pics of kids before you got pregnant, but for an infertile, it's much harder to see a reality unfolding that you might never have. Infertility is a very real disease and with it comes social stigma and pain. Many people don't understand how to best comfort a friend or family member who is struggling with infertility. Moreover, many infertiles don't share their problems publicly for fear of shame. Again, for me it wasn't seeing pics of others kids, it was moreover the pregnancy images that were so hurtful. If I was being inundated by constant bitching from a pregnant "friend" on facebook about how miserable she was from morning sickness or something, I'd just "hide" that friend so I couldn't see her updates. Problem solved. In addition, to compare infertility to someone who hasn't married isn't necessarily a fair comparison. Infertility is a medical condition. This is a great link from Resolve, the National Infertility Association on "etiquette" http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html |
Anonymous
OP here: I agree, and I'm sorry for that comparison which I'm sure seemed pretty insensitive. The woman who posted this on FB is not struggling with infertility: she is a 33 year old lesbian dating a 20 year old transgendered female-to-male. So, it's the fact that she's dating a 20 year old that is making it hard for her to have children right now, as I believe he (her partner) is not ready for babies just yet. I try to be sensitive in what I post because I do have a very good and close friend who is struggling with infertility. When I was pregnant, I posted updates on my pregnancy, but I made sure not to complain about my unpleasant pregnancy symptoms because I knew how lucky I was to be pregnant. |
Anonymous
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Infertility is HORRIBLE. It is a disease - a physical one with psychological consequences, even though most people (the ones in the other side of the grass) think it is just a "life style" decision. What is most crippling about infertility is the feeling of total helplessness - it is total out of your control. Most women think they will have a child one day as pretty much a "matter of a fact" situation, at least to me was like that. I was never sure I would get married but since a little girl I knew one day I would have children.
And then comes infertility and sweeps you out of your feet - and then, the feeling, the FEAR in your heart and back of your mind that you will never be able to have a child. That FEAR is there ALL the time. I struggled with it for 4 and 1/2 years and finally have my baby - and she is everything I could wish for and more! This year is the BEST year of my life! That said, while I struggle with it I NEVER projected my issues on other people and always gravitated towards pregnant women and young children. I had not issues seeing/hearing about pregnancy of babies. I think everyone deals with infertility their own way, but I post pics of my baby on my facebook page for friends and family to see, and if a friend asked me to not post I would apologize and suggest she hide the picts. While I understand your friend's pain, it is not fair for you for her to ask that. I would try to be supportive in other ways though - like not asking "if she is considering adoption" and such - people have to find their path to parenthood on their own. |
Anonymous
| PP here. Really? Your friend is complaining because she married someone much younger than her and thus cannot have children now? She can go screw her self! She should have thought about that BEFORE marrying someone in a total different stage of life, with completely different needs and wants. |
Anonymous
| My kid suffered an injury which has had long-term and potentially permanent ill effects. I feel a twinge (sometimes a lot more) when I see (photos of and actual) healthy children. Even so, I have to understand that their parents are right to enjoy their healthy children publicly. |
Anonymous
| I didn't struggle with infertility, but did have multiple miscarriages and yes, seeing u/s pics on facebook was hard. PP is correct though, you can easily block someone's posts on FB. That was my solution when I was struggling. I now have a son and I do post pics of him for my family and out of state friends, and I hope that anyone who is pained by it blocks me! |
Anonymous
| The other thing is that people may share the joy of a successful pregnancy on facebook without sharing all the heartache that went into it. I'm not close with most of my "friends" on FB. They know that I have a baby boy who I share pictures of and I also shared pregnancy pics after 20 weeks (no u/s pics). I'm sure there were some women out there who were struggling to have a baby who were hurt/jealous of me. But I know that because I've been there. I had multiple miscarriages and saw everyone else's pictures. I just blocked the ones I found painful to see. But my point is that almost nobody on fb knows how much pain I went through before I had my son. I wouldn't assume that all of those happy moms-to-be don't know what it's like to have infertility or miscarriages. It's way more common than you'd think. |
Anonymous
ITA. DH and I struggled with infertility for over nine years. Four surgeries, three miscarriages, countless IUI cycles and five IVF cycles later we have two children. Very few people know the pain we went through but I do know many of the "happy moms-to-be" that are friends of mine on FB went through similar journeys. They just don't post about it. |
Anonymous
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I dealt with infertility as well for about 5 years. It is challenging to see pregnant women and happy babies but I wouldn't ask anyone not to post their pics of their ultrasound or kids. That's just asking for too much consideration.
Honestly, it was far more difficult for me to put on a happy face when my SIL got pregnant in about a half-a-second. That was the one that hurt the most. But I never let her or anyone besides my DH and BF know. |
Anonymous
| It seems like there are a lot of posts that could be hard for certain people to read. "my mother is cancer free!". "I got a job!". Etc. |
Anonymous
| I have an idea. Get off facebook if you can't handle what other people post. |
Anonymous
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Wow. I'm 9:06 and just logged back on to see what kind of replies this thread generated. I have to admit, when I initally saw 12 people had responded I worried. But now I see (with the exception of 10:20) that everyone here has experienced infertility as well! Wow!
Where were all of you when I felt alone and isolated? |
Anonymous
I was in the TTC forum! 
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