Grandparents don't want to see grandchild

[Anonymous]

My parents are not interested in seeing me and my family. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week (usually I call and they're happy to talk). They LOVE getting pictures in the mail. And when we see them, they're great with my son, age 3. Our son has been asking to see them. I just say "we'll see them soon." But at some point, I'll need to explain why. Believe it or not, my relations with my parents are fine, as far as I know. But my mother suffers from chronic pain and anxiety. To her a visit means cooking and cleaning, which to her are painful physical work. Plus she's wrapped up in her own world of watching TV and dislikes changes in her routine. There is no talking her into (a) letting us handle the cooking and cleaning or (b) letting us staying in a hotel (well I know we can book a room on our own, but I cannot even find out if they will be available to visit us or let us visit.) When I try to arrange a date to visit, she will say things like 'this is a bad month' or 'we'll see' -- then never gets back to me. My father is thrilled to see us but my mother calls the shots in the house and he will not make decisions.

This hurts me deeply, especially since I was close with my grandparents and would like my son to have the same. I would be interested in hearing from others who go through the same thing. How do you deal with this and what do you tell your children as they get older? They do love my son -- just at a very far distance, though we live only an hour and a half away (and we actually moved to this location to be closer to them). I worry that my parents do not have much time left (they're in their early 70s but both have major health issues) and I do not want any regrets. Oh, I guess I'm being too nice. This hurts me beyond words and I'm at a complete loss.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell your parents how you feel? Maybe they are so wrapped up in their routine that they never took a step back to consider your side of the story. Also, is them visiting you an option? You could fly them out for a few days and then you could do the cooking/cleaning. Sorry about your situation, it does not sound ideal.

[Anonymous]

They are only an hour an a half away?!? That's not far at all. Why would you need to stay overnight? (which is what I assume given that you mention a hotel room) Why don't you invite your parents to your place? Why can't you meet at a public spot, so no one has to clean, like going to a playground and then lunch at a restaurant?

[Anonymous]

21:31 here.

Oh! I guess you didn't specify if it was an hour and a half car ride (which is what I thought) OR an hour and a half plane ride.

[Anonymous]

OP here...I forgot to mention that they can't drive highways. And they won't take train or bus. So we have to go there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...I forgot to mention that they can't drive highways. And they won't take train or bus. So we have to go there.

Right, so why do you need a hotel?

How would they react if you just showed up? My Dad had anxiety issues and used to worry so much about future events, but when the event actually happened, he was fine. Maybe if your Mom didn't have time to think about it, clean, prepare, etc. and you just showed up at the house with some carry-out food and just say you are stopping by for lunch and then heading back, she would be OK?

[Anonymous]

OP, can you clarify whether it is a 1.5 hour drive or 1.5 hour flight?

[Anonymous]

Well my significant others family doesn't want to see our DD either. Not only that...they don't know her name, don't know when she was born. They know we were expecting and then just never responded to us again. Our last contact w/SO's mom was to say we were having a girl and we just never heard back. So I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel outrage that they don't have any interest in our child (mind you they only live about 20-30 minutes away and there was no falling out with DF. Just a weird and uninvolved family). So trust me I get it. I'm not sure how to handle either aside from just answering questions as honestly as possible.

[Anonymous]

It is a 1.5 hour drive

[Anonymous]

This is so sad OP. I really feel for you.

It sounds like they may be too aged in body and spirit to take on a more active grandparent role. The hardest but most important task for you is to let yourself acknowledge that. As you said it truly hurts beyond words.

I honestly don't think it matters to your son as much as you fear. His questions about when you'll next see them aren't nearly as emotionally charged for him as they are for you. He isn't burdened by any preconceptions of what grandparents can or should be.

Since they're fairly close why not just announce that you're coming, rather than asking to visit? You could bring food or whatever they might find useful. Maybe have in mind some activities for GPs and son to share. Keep the visit as short or as long as seems to work.

I'm in another version of this story. I had a wonderful relationship with my GM and looked forward to having the same with my grandchildren. Alas my DIL is very uncomfortable with the idea - no babysitting allowed, no visits to our place w/o a parent, no taking the kids on an outing etc. etc. Like you we have a pretty good relationship with her - or at least we though we did. Like your father, our DS responds to this with passivity.

It's the same thing in a way. Neither you nor I will be able to relive the grandparent/grandchild relationship that meant so much to us. Life very often doesn't bring what we hope for and we have no choice but to grieve for it.

You, however, will have another chance to revisit grandparenting with your children's children. I envy you that!

[Anonymous]

I feel that I am in a similar situation, though DS is only 5 months. I've had a tense relationship with my father, but I don't know how much of that plays out in his not seeing his grandson. I call my parents on skype/use webcam, which may be an idea for you, but they feel overwhelmed by the things going on in their lives. They've seen him 2 times. Somes of these things are health issues; some of these things are hobbies, like car clubs/going dancing. I've directly stated that I feel they are missing out on having a relationship with their only grandchild. They tell me they will have more time after such and such, or wait until Christmas. But I think his first birthday will be here before they know it.

I truly feel for you. My grandparents lived far away, but I loved visiting them. Some very fond memories of being in the kitchen with my grandmothers. But it is what it is, and you can only do your best. No real advice, just that you are--sadly--not alone in your predicament. You can't control your son's relationship with them, just be there for him.

[Anonymous]

This very sad. My parents who are a three hour drive away come once a month and my son adores them. We also skype with them at least once a week. DH's parents live in Europe and have met my son once when he was 5 months old, he's now 2.5. They never call, they refuse to get a computer to skype (even offered to buy it!), they have no plans of coming to visit again. And though they are supremely cheap, they have the money to make the trip without a problem. It drives me nuts. I just don't understand it, but their whole family is screwed up. My BIL who lives in Miami has not once visited. How to fix it? Honestly, at this point, I've given up. I wish I had an answer for you OP. I think trying to drive up and surprise them is worth a shot, at least once, since they are so close. I know this has to be harder for you since these are your parents. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why there is cooking or cleaning involved...or a stay in a hotel if they are only a 90 minute drive away. Why can't you just drive up on Saturday and arrive at 2 and leave at 4 so no meals would need to be served? Or why can't they meet you somewhere near their home if they are worried about their bring clean?

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are divorced and both remarried. My FIL lives in FL. He has met my son twice and has never met my daughter. They're 8 and 5. It stuns me that he doesn't care.

My husband has basically removed him from our lives because of his indifference.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I know how you feel. MIL lives 5 minutes away and could not be more selfish and self centered. MIL has time for everything else but her youngest grandkids. For a long time, it was heartbreaking. Then I realized that the kinds of things 21:57 stated are accurate.

The kids will realize themselves as they get older that it has nothing to do with you. MIL sees the other grandkids (further away!) but not us.

SIL has hushed MIL on Facebook about MIL seeing SIL's kids so much, since everyone knows MIL rarely makes time for us. DH has done a lot for his family, ingrate SIL especially.

Karma is a bitch, especially to nasty, selfish MIL's It'll suck for her when she gets old and senile, trust me.