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Kids With Special Needs and Disabilities
beating myself up, losing sleep, worried for my son
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Anonymous
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My kindergarten daughter is currently being evaluated by her public school for a learning disability(ies). To make a long story short, there was never a time that I was not worried about her development. She was a very difficult baby (cried all the time), at 2 she had early intervention speech therapy, I enrolled her in an integrated preschool -- and now her elementary school is finally addressing her very obvious academic difficulties (namely pre reading and number sense). I guess it is a blessing that she does not have any behavior issues....
Does anyone else go over in their head about what they could have done differently to prevent their child's difficulties -- could I have eaten something, could I have been exposed to something, could she have eaten a lead chip? I'm ashamed that I mull over the what ifs all the time. It serves no useful purpose. I just feel so guilty that she isn't thriving the way my other child is....I worry so much that she willl struggle her whole life in school. I guess I'm venting. It is hard not to feel alone. |
Anonymous
| OP here: I forgot to mention that I'm worried for my other child (son) because my focus has been on advocating for my daughter....I know I should treat both kids equally but my daughter gets the lion's share of my involvement in the school they both attend. Will he feel resentful? |
Anonymous
| I think what you are feeling is very normal. I went through the same process when we were first having our dd evaluated for learning disabilities and attention issues. I totally beat myself up, second-guessed every parenting decision I made, and worried that it was something I did when I was pregnant. Eventually though, you need to move through this and deal with the situation at hand. Regardless of what may or may not have happened, you must be present for your child now. She needs you strong and positive. So forgive yourself, and go forward. And as an aside, it is highly unlikely that you did anything to cause her difficulties. I think mama guilt is just part of the equation. |
Anonymous
| I think it's very natural to ask yourself whether you are at fault. You may ask yourself that all your life at different stages of your children's development. But you will never know the answer to that question and it's not really productive to helping your daughter. |
Anonymous
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If it helps, you're not alone. I wonder if the fact that I ate less fruits and vegetables during my pregnancy and the fritos I ate had an effect on my developing ds. He is now 3 and is going through the speech and other evals. I have many nights of insomnia, worries that crop up at 3am, and some days I feel catatonic.
I agree with what the PPs say, that it's not productive to helping your child, and that you (and I do too) have to find ways that don't hinder you and others around you. |
Anonymous
I hope this makes you feel better. I have a friend, whose brother had learning disabilities as a child, and now has his Ph.D. |
Anonymous
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There are so many resources out there for both your family and child. Please make use of as many as you can. Support groups are invaluable not only for the emotional support but also because there is a great deal of information that gets exchanged about services available, people that can be helpful, etc. Please don't shy away from them. Don't rely only on the school to tell you what is out there and available. I agree with the others who have said try not to dwell on what you might have done wrong (nothing!!!) and try to shift into an information-gathering mode. Get help in learning how to celebrate your child's strengths and do, DO get help from someone in how to make sure that your other child doesn't feel the pressure and/or feel as if he doesn't count as much. I think this is very hard to navigate yourself and a counselor can be a wonderful sounding board.
Check out organizations such as these: http://www.ldanatl.org/ http://www.ldonline.org/ http://www.ncld.org/ There are a wealth of resources on these sites, and some of them even have doctors and other health care professionals that you can email with questions ("experts online"). I cannot stress enough that the more information you are armed with and the more support you have, the better you, your child, and your family will feel. Best of luck to you. And hold on. Everything will be okay! |
Anonymous
| Just curious. What types of things did you do that you feel may have had an affect of your child? I know poor diets happen to the best of us, but if you were taking a supplement, chances are your baby received the nutrition he needed. Think about all the healthy babies that are born to moms with the limited resources to live a "healthy" lifestyle. Unless you were drinking heavily, taking drugs or exposed to chemicals for the long term, then chances are that the disabilites would have surfaced regardless of what type of lifestyle you led. |
Anonymous
| Oh lord you name it. That occasional glass of wine. Feeling stressed about everyday life. Not exercising enough. Exercising too much. Being in a bathtub that might of been too warm. Eating a bit of soft cheese. Really, there are so many things one can worry about when pregnant. And then once the baby is born you can worry about nursing enough, formula, vaccinations, exposure to toxins through plastic or shampoo, or whatever! When you are worried about your child, it is easy to feel guilty and blame yourself, even though in all likelihood it's not your fault. |
Anonymous
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OP: I'm sorry your daughter has so many challenges.
I do want to say that it is probably good you are concerned about your son. We have some relatives with a troubled child, and they are not thinking about the effect on the other one. Their off-kilter focus is showing in the "healthy" kid's behavior. From my experience as a concerned relative, I would say you need to work hard at having one-on-one experiences with your boy. You need to hold him to behavioral standards appropriate for him, but cut him some slack about the ways his sister makes life harder. Good luck. Remember, fair isn't equal. |
Anonymous
| i feel a lot of guilt about my son. he doesn't have a learning disabiltiy but he is having some behavior issue. was it my full time job or the exposure to baby einstein, or spoiing him with toys, or not providing enough discipline. still worrying about it, feel sad for him, and waiting for rewarding him, to the point now he asks, did the teacher say I was a good boy today, did she complain today mama, and my heart breaks and tears roll down my face. It's a horrible feeling,, the feeling of helplessness! |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you do need to be concerned about your younger son. Are you married and do you have a DH? If so, let your DH take care of your daughter for 20 minutes and spend that time with your son -- only you and him. And you ON THE FLOOR playing a game your son likes and has decided he wants to play. DON"T be the one to say, let's play this. He has to be the leader and the one who gets your attention. Even if you are dead tired, you must do this.
Why am I saying this? My younger son didn't get much attention since I was dealing his elder sister's behaviorial issues. I don't think he is as confident as he should be. I've tried to make up for it by playing with him and I think that has helped him with building his self-esteem back. |
Anonymous
| OP, it is clear how distraught you are over several issues (and understandable; we all tend to blame ourselves as parents when things don't turn out as planned). First and foremost you need to take care of YOURSELF. can you get a counselor to help you work through these feelings? if you are feeling horrible it's hard to be there for your kids. Taking care of yourself and having some help dealing with these emotions will trickle down positively to your kids. |
Anonymous
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Just someone to help ease your mind about your son.
My sister had many learning disabilities growing up and always required more attention from my parents. They were obviously loving towards me, but I was a very easy kid and didn't require much input. I worked hard to make my life for my sister easier - even though she was older I'd help her with her homework, etc. Because if she was going smoothly, everyone in the house was happier. Perhaps my parents made an effort to do stuff with just me, but as a kid I certainly didn't notice those things. But in the end - I thrived. I still have a great relationship with my parents. I went to a good school, had no behavioral issues of my own, have a great family now, etc. Unfortunately, the road for my sister has never been smooth and continues to be rough. My parents still do things for her that they don't do for me, but honestly, there are zero jealousy issues and I would never want to trade places. Do what you think you have to, but don't worry that your attention towards your eldest is ruining life for your younger. It may just make him a more compassionate and understanding person in the end. |
jenniella07
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Member Offline
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Dear Losing Sleep,
I am the proud sister of a brother with LD, dysgraphia, epilepsy, and a little-known can't keep a secret syndrome  He is always spoiling surprises---a bit impulsive.
Anyway, my brother struggled and my parents struggled, and while the attention was not on me as often, I grew in to the person I am today because of that dynamic. I am now a Educational Consultant. The month I graduated with a master's in Special Education, my brother graduated with a BS in Computer Science. He is a daily inspiration to me. I draw upon the years of ups and downs my parents went through fighting for his education in my own practice as an advocate. Read our history at www.jhursey.com I guess my point is that what you are going through is tough and will continue to be, but both your children will be great---you'll see. And it will be because of you and them, learning from each other. Please write me if you want some help understanding the evaluation process, etc. Sincerely yours, Jen |