Physical child custody modification

[Anonymous]

Before this thread get into unnecessary discussions regarding the reasons for the divorce cheating, spousal abuse, alcoholism, drug abuse, financial abuse you name it were not the reasons. She said we have grown apart and for those seeking to blame the mens yes I will take some blame in the sense that we stopped going on dates spending time together etc I just put all my efforts toward our kids. I do not blame her for going in a different dir ection. She is not without blames but I won't get into them. She has already retained a lawyer and does not want to go through mediation. She is getting financial help (most likely) from her parents. I cannot afford a lawyer period. We have a home with a small positive equity.

So that was the background story. We both don't make a lot but she makes 40% less than me which means I will end up paying child support which I am fine with. Here is the issue. Once I start paying child support I will most likely be living under a financial deficit until I find a better job and at 46 won't be the easiest transition but I will eventually find something. I have a question about physical child custody. If I let her have the kids say 80% of the time and then once my financial situation improves can I go to court and then ask for 50/50 custody? I can say with 100% certainty that my soon to be EX will make very little effort to improve her financial situation so I figure if she has the kids most days that will allow me to pick up extra gigs work (delivery, anything really) and work on transitioning to a better job. I am giving myself 12 months for this . Our kids are 14 and 12, so I do not want to become a weekend dad that will just break me mentally. For a year I am willing to do so only so I can have some breathing room financially. I just want to make sure that physical child custody can be modified later on.

[Anonymous]

No, you need to do 50-50 and take the hours. Find a job online/virtual for the second job. You NEED to get an attorney to represent you. If you give up custody given the kids ages more than likely you will at best have some weekends but probably less than that as she'll find excuses not to let you see them. Lawyer up.

50-50 custody
Split all assets after marriage 50-50 - house will probably need to be sold in less one of you can buy the other out
You pay child support based off income. If she's working don't agree to alimony.

and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you need to do 50-50 and take the hours. Find a job online/virtual for the second job. You NEED to get an attorney to represent you. If you give up custody given the kids ages more than likely you will at best have some weekends but probably less than that as she'll find excuses not to let you see them. Lawyer up.

50-50 custody
Split all assets after marriage 50-50 - house will probably need to be sold in less one of you can buy the other out
You pay child support based off income. If she's working don't agree to alimony.

and be done with it.

OP here. I understand the need for an attorney but I'll have to go into debt to afford one though and that is the issue. She has access to her parents money so I just don't want to be chasing her in court. And she is a very confrontational person by nature one of this who must win at all costs. And I don't even know why she got a lawyer because have basic financial.assets(house, 401k, savings). So her need to get a lawyer comes from her confrontational nature. I may go 50/50 but between my jobs (which already require long hours) and now adding extra gig works I ll be honest it will be tough
And she will not cooperate. She wasn't always this way but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

[Anonymous]

I hate to tell you about the bad news but you are f***ked unless you find a job where you make significantly more. Here is why. When you make more money she will have a right to demand a reassessment of child support. And courts love making people who pay child support pay even more.

Divorce is bad for people in the middle class because since the houses will have to be equalized the ex spouse receiving support will be the one better off. And the other will go further down the economic ladder until he/she gets a better job. High income people survive divorce just fine not the middle class.

Sorry op. Women file for divorce because it's worth it as you can see yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you need to do 50-50 and take the hours. Find a job online/virtual for the second job. You NEED to get an attorney to represent you. If you give up custody given the kids ages more than likely you will at best have some weekends but probably less than that as she'll find excuses not to let you see them. Lawyer up.

50-50 custody
Split all assets after marriage 50-50 - house will probably need to be sold in less one of you can buy the other out
You pay child support based off income. If she's working don't agree to alimony.

and be done with it.

OP here. I understand the need for an attorney but I'll have to go into debt to afford one though and that is the issue. She has access to her parents money so I just don't want to be chasing her in court. And she is a very confrontational person by nature one of this who must win at all costs. And I don't even know why she got a lawyer because have basic financial.assets(house, 401k, savings). So her need to get a lawyer comes from her confrontational nature. I may go 50/50 but between my jobs (which already require long hours) and now adding extra gig works I ll be honest it will be tough
And she will not cooperate. She wasn't always this way but it is what it is.

It sounds like you don't really want the kids. You need an attorney and/or for her to cooperate. Talk to her about what she wants. Sit down with her with a list of all the assets and then hire an attorney or go through the child support office for child support.

Or, find a way to make the income you have work or find an online flexible 2nd job. Just realize if you do a second job, that will be factored into child support so between taxes and child support you may only get a few dollars an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to tell you about the bad news but you are f***ked unless you find a job where you make significantly more. Here is why. When you make more money she will have a right to demand a reassessment of child support. And courts love making people who pay child support pay even more.

Divorce is bad for people in the middle class because since the houses will have to be equalized the ex spouse receiving support will be the one better off. And the other will go further down the economic ladder until he/she gets a better job. High income people survive divorce just fine not the middle class.

Sorry op. Women file for divorce because it's worth it as you can see yourself.

He is better off not with a second job, taking the kids 50-50 and waiting to increase his income after the youngest is 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

Thank you. OP here again. The early responses clearly point to making sure to get 50/50 and then figure it out later. Will most likely go that route. In the meantime I have already started looking for a better payung job and exploring different career options. I am spending most nights and weekends learning new skills etc so hopefully I may not even need the extra gigs. Let's see.

[Anonymous]

It is good at least you are looking for ways to increase your mom because many men have fallen into depression and alcoholism as a result of the financial stress from divorce. You see all the women on this forum popping up every other day worrying about dating post divorce living their life etc don't have to worry bout this sh**t cause I bet you they are taken care of financially

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

Thank you. OP here again. The early responses clearly point to making sure to get 50/50 and then figure it out later. Will most likely go that route. In the meantime I have already started looking for a better payung job and exploring different career options. I am spending most nights and weekends learning new skills etc so hopefully I may not even need the extra gigs. Let's see.

Earning more money isn't to your advantage as she'll get a big chunk for child support and then taxes. You are focusing on the wrong thing. Focus on 50-50 and making the money you do have work. Your kids will be grown soon enough. Then you focus on earning more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

Thank you. OP here again. The early responses clearly point to making sure to get 50/50 and then figure it out later. Will most likely go that route. In the meantime I have already started looking for a better payung job and exploring different career options. I am spending most nights and weekends learning new skills etc so hopefully I may not even need the extra gigs. Let's see.

Earning more money isn't to your advantage as she'll get a big chunk for child support and then taxes. You are focusing on the wrong thing. Focus on 50-50 and making the money you do have work. Your kids will be grown soon enough. Then you focus on earning more.

OP that's a very good advice. Get a 1 bedroom apartment, spend time with your kids outside the apartment as much as possible. The amazing thing about children is that as a long as you are there and spending time with them they are happy. They just want to be happy. So get your 50/50.

I am divorced. My divorced cost me $175k and I am still paying that debt. Likewise I delt with a crazy absolutely insane ex wife.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again guys. My friends off line and family have equally said to not go for 49-51 and to go for 50-50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

How is this good for the kids, that they have to sit at the dad's house, alone (probably in a small apartment), instead of being with their mom or doing activities/friend hangouts that the dad won't be able to drive them to... just so that dad can say he 'has" 50/50. At that age, it sounds like torture to go back and forth between houses half the time. Think about what's best for them... having a primary home, and then spending actually QUALITY time with the dad, when dad is available to actually do things with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

Thank you. OP here again. The early responses clearly point to making sure to get 50/50 and then figure it out later. Will most likely go that route. In the meantime I have already started looking for a better payung job and exploring different career options. I am spending most nights and weekends learning new skills etc so hopefully I may not even need the extra gigs. Let's see.

Earning more money isn't to your advantage as she'll get a big chunk for child support and then taxes. You are focusing on the wrong thing. Focus on 50-50 and making the money you do have work. Your kids will be grown soon enough. Then you focus on earning more.

OP that's a very good advice. Get a 1 bedroom apartment, spend time with your kids outside the apartment as much as possible. The amazing thing about children is that as a long as you are there and spending time with them they are happy. They just want to be happy. So get your 50/50.

I am divorced. My divorced cost me $175k and I am still paying that debt. Likewise I delt with a crazy absolutely insane ex wife.

This is BAD advice. Do NOT get a 1 bedroom apartment as then you have no space with the kids. The kids need bedrooms. DO not more out in less you are court ordered to. She wants the divorce, she can move out. Your kids need to sleep and be at your home. Don't be a part time visitor in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 14 and 12 year old are in school full time and are able to stay home by themselves as long as you are not gone overnight. If you give up 50/50 custody at the onset, it will be a very uphill fight to get it later on. I wouldn't do it. Your wife needs a good reason for more than 505/50 so don't give her one. Also, she will get more child support if she has more than half custody.

How is this good for the kids, that they have to sit at the dad's house, alone (probably in a small apartment), instead of being with their mom or doing activities/friend hangouts that the dad won't be able to drive them to... just so that dad can say he 'has" 50/50. At that age, it sounds like torture to go back and forth between houses half the time. Think about what's best for them... having a primary home, and then spending actually QUALITY time with the dad, when dad is available to actually do things with them.

Or, the primary home could be with Dad and mom pay child support so he doesn't have to get a second job. You don't spend quality time seeing your dad a few hours a week or month. You may tell yourself that is ok for your kids but it's not good enough.

Mom wants the divorce. Dad should sit tight and if Mom doesn't want to live with him, SHE should move out and get an apartment. Dad shouldn't get a second job as it will just go to taxes and child support and if he does, he needs to do it cash/under the table. This is terrible advice to give up your kids. If mom is spiteful and vindictive, she will without any contact and OP will never see his kids again. There is no reason why Dad should give Mom the house and move out. She wants the divorce, she can move out till the court orders the sale if he cannot buy her out.