How to cope when your entire family has ADHD

[Anonymous]

My husband has untreated ADHD. We have three young children, the older two (5 and 4) are about to be evaluated but everyone is in agreement they have it. My MIL has it. Even our nanny has it.

I'm really losing my mind. I just feel like I'm the only one keeping this circus afloat and I'm so mentally and physically exhausted by the effort. I work full time, I take care of my local elderly parents, our youngest is only one so really needs a lot of attention.

I'm in therapy but my therapist doesn't really specialize in this.

I don't know what I'm asking. Has anyone been through this? Any tips?

[Anonymous]

Your husband should try medicication. You should drop the rope with your MIL, and get another nanny if this one is more trouble than she's worth.

[Anonymous]

You're going to need systems for everything. And less stuff. And a nanny without ADHD.

[Anonymous]

As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to need systems for everything. And less stuff. And a nanny without ADHD.

Thanks. Our nanny will be leaving in the fall. Where have you found resources for systems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

[Anonymous]

OP, hire an organizer to come in and help set up systems then revisit for purging and tweaking quarterly. Post a separate thread in off topic.

Get a nanny and cleaner who will help with tidying, purge extra toys and have nanny train kids to pick up and put away daily. Send clothes out for washing and folding, then everyone puts away when they are returned.

An executive function coach and meds can also help. But do not skip the boots on the ground help in the house and in training the family. Delegate!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, hire an organizer to come in and help set up systems then revisit for purging and tweaking quarterly. Post a separate thread in off topic.

Get a nanny and cleaner who will help with tidying, purge extra toys and have nanny train kids to pick up and put away daily. Send clothes out for washing and folding, then everyone puts away when they are returned.

An executive function coach and meds can also help. But do not skip the boots on the ground help in the house and in training the family. Delegate!

Good luck!

Thank you. I think my problem currently is that I try to do all of this myself because I am insanely organized and anxious with clutter. But I'm tired of staying on top of everything. I will look for an organizer and try to have our nanny do more via some sort of checklist.

[Anonymous]

You will be amazed how a well-organized, self-starting, reliable nanny can change your household dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will be amazed how a well-organized, self-starting, reliable nanny can change your household dynamic.

This. Change nannies now. It will make a world of difference. Be very up-front with her that you neeeeeed someone who can effectively manage the children's toys and clutter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work, this is why he's been able to skate by, especially we me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work, this is why he's been able to skate by, especially we me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

I don't have one, because I have seen how difficult and stressful it can be. It seems ok when dating but when you have kids it becomes unmanageable.

I suggest 1) He medicates. At least he agrees to a low-dose trial. You have a very serious talk with him in which you indicate that this cannot go on.

2) You can try getting a coach but I haven't seen great results unless the person is truly self-motivated.

3) Cut way back on your commitments. Less kid activities in particular. Set some boundaries with your parents.

4) Pick a few things that are tasks your DH owns, and choose them based on how he will personally be affected if he does not do them. (Like, putting gas in the car that he drives). Do NOT pick up the slack. LET HIM FAIL. If he agrees to make dinner on a certain date, sit on the couch and watch, do NOT step in and do it for him. The only thing that works is if you really stop and let him drop the ball. This will lead to fights and yelling but you have to carry it through. It is the only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work; this is why he's been able to skate by, especially with me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

Divide and conquer. I'm the woman with ADHD above. I manage the kids' activities, camps, school meetings, etc. I also manage our nanny. I make checklists for our nanny, and she catches things I've missed in them. For example, if ballet shoes don't fit after the summer, she notices and sends me a link. She also does the kids' laundry and keeps their closets and toys tidy and organized. DH will also pick up on things because he knows he should read school emails. For example, the other day, he reminded me it was a crazy hair day. I would have probably missed that. DH manages everything related to the house (cleaner, gardener, repairs, utility bills), our cars, travel, concerts, and other events. We have a shared Excel spreadsheet with lots of tabs.

I don't have advice on how to fix things from where they are, as we naturally fell into this pattern. To help your DH not lose things, I would declutter as much as possible and have one specific place for things like keys, wallets, electronics, and sunglasses. Could you make sure your DH and nanny understand the system?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work; this is why he's been able to skate by, especially with me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

Divide and conquer. I'm the woman with ADHD above. I manage the kids' activities, camps, school meetings, etc. I also manage our nanny. I make checklists for our nanny, and she catches things I've missed in them. For example, if ballet shoes don't fit after the summer, she notices and sends me a link. She also does the kids' laundry and keeps their closets and toys tidy and organized. DH will also pick up on things because he knows he should read school emails. For example, the other day, he reminded me it was a crazy hair day. I would have probably missed that. DH manages everything related to the house (cleaner, gardener, repairs, utility bills), our cars, travel, concerts, and other events. We have a shared Excel spreadsheet with lots of tabs.

I don't have advice on how to fix things from where they are, as we naturally fell into this pattern. To help your DH not lose things, I would declutter as much as possible and have one specific place for things like keys, wallets, electronics, and sunglasses. Could you make sure your DH and nanny understand the system?

The fact that your nanny manages this makes me want to cry, it's so far beyond the abilities of ours. For example I have asked her a million times to have the kids bring their backpacks and lunch boxes in after school. They never do, the car is always a mess of trash and kids stuff. I realize we should have let her go a long time ago but it's very hard to find childcare in our area (not dc) and we really needed someone.

I guess my biggest issue is that I HAVE systems for everything, no one follows them. We have a place for everything, no one uses them. So it's either me 1. Spending all my time reminding people or 2. Me doing it myself or 3. No one doing it, life sliding into chaos.

I think I really just need to have a CTJ talk with DH and say I'm really at the end of my rope here.