Inappropriate Coworkers
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Anonymous
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I get harassed at every job. I’m not sure why I invite this behavior. Perhaps it is my style or demeanor (I am quiet and non assertive).
I have very long bleach blonde hair and I’m in my mid 20s now. I am thin, but I dress so conservatively. And I don’t even think my face is that beautiful or anything, but I think my hair may exacerbate the problem. My last job was the worst so far. One supervisor (who is 30 years my senior) started harassing me and pushing boundaries with me. I think he told other male coworkers about his behavior, since a group of them started being inappropriate with me and ganging up on me. He was frequently leering at me, openly staring at my chest and legs, touching my back or hair, and trying to be alone with me constantly. He would also offer me rides home constantly (after I mentioned that I take Uber to work, since I was only 5 mins away). And he’d constantly push me to be alone with him at his office or invite me to events outside work. The more I pushed back against his advances, the more he tried to openly humiliate me or revoke responsibilities from me. However, if I allowed the harassment to continue, he would begin bestowing more opportunities on me and warming up to me more. I think he was telling his friends that I was open to harassment, because suddenly more of them were finding every excuse to get me alone in their offices, winking at me, and leering at me. I felt so uncomfortable. Even coworkers who I initially trusted (who were ostensibly nice and safe) started to act like frat boys and made me feel so demeaned. I felt like the situation was escalating out of control, so I just quit. And many other women quit before me. I was told they had “strong personalities” (lol) so I guess they just wouldn’t put up with the ongoing harassment. I don’t know why I invite such a lack of respect in every work environment. I get harassed at EVERY job or volunteer opportunity. I worked as a receptionist at a freaking Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in college and the amount of FATHERS who would flirt with me at my desk (while their wives and extremely sick babies were feet away) made me disgusted. And these women had ZERO clue what their husbands were doing. One man very handsome too, with a beautiful wife (I felt like I was uglier than his wife), yet he would make an excuse to leave the babies room to come harass me at my desk, calling me pretty, and seeming to get off on making me visibly uncomfortable. I’ve been harassed by Catholic priests (more than one), men at religious charities, at internships, at customer service jobs. This has been ongoing since I was a teenager. I don’t know why I’m such a target, but it feels like I am harassed more than average. I’ve left every job and volunteer opportunity due to ongoing harassment. It reaches a boiling point where I’m too anxious to stay anymore. |
Anonymous
| Have to wonder if this is all in your head. I've known people who are convinced that everyone is flirting with them and everyone wants them. If this is happening literally everywhere you go, seems like you could be making it up |
Anonymous
| Have you talked to a therapist about this? |
Anonymous
Normally I would be very wary of saying something like this given how rampant misogyny is in the workplace and elsewhere, but with this OP — I’m thinking the same thing you are. |
Anonymous
I believe her story about that workplace, especially since it sounds like a lot of women quit. But then the fact that it happens everywhere and she always has to quit jobs and volunteer activities? Yeah, it's in her head. |
Anonymous
| I'd stop bleaching your hair and see if that changes anything. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, being touched without my permission, offered rides home, being winked at, being asked if I have a boyfriend by a man old enough to be my father, being told I look cute and leered at my old men is “all in my head” |
Anonymous
Everywhere you go? |
Anonymous
Yeah, a 50 year old man touching my lower back and thigh and offering me rides home or winking at me and staring at my body is “made up”. And a father leaving his wife and baby to call me pretty and ask me if I have a boyfriend is totally normal behavior. Maybe you are fat so it never happens to you. Idk really. But I am harassed inappropriately everywhere I go. I’ve even had men old enough to be my grandfather calling me cute and buying me chocolates or small gifts. One said “I thought I could get away with it with you”….and I never asked what he meant by that. So maybe I give off a certain vibe or something that invites this behavior |
Anonymous
| I think you can start with some therapy or professional coaching to be more assertive. Maybe you are better-looking than you think, and unfortunately some good-looking people get too much attention. What industry are you in? And are you outside the US? |
Anonymous
Ah and here you come with the "well maybe you are fat and don't know what it's like to be me". I suspected you were a troll, now confirmed. |
Anonymous
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I mean, being my touched without permission isn’t okay, and some of that stuff is inappropriate, but also there are a whole lot of clueless people out there who don’t know that it’s not okay to pay a compliment to or ask a personal question of a stranger. /s
Seriously, I’m middle aged now and no one looks at me, but up until I was close to 40 that kind of stuff happened to me routinely, and it was way more common when I was in my 20s and worked in customer service positions where I had to interact with people a lot. I am/was average looks/figure and dress pretty modestly. I do think sometimes that made it worse because I seemed more approachable. Anyway the workplace harassment is egregious and if that happens again I suggest you report it to HR. When I had a similar workplace incident in my 20s I also quit, but wish I had reported. It sucks, and our culture is misogynistic and awful, but what you’re describing is pretty normal - both the stuff that is across the line and the stuff that is truly someone trying to be friendly. I don’t think it’s all in your head, but I do think you’re focusing on it to your detriment. You have to let that stuff go, and learn how to end the conversations quickly if someone is bothering you. |
Anonymous
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All men are disgusting pigs, IMO. It doesn't matter how great of a husband they are to you or how great of a father they are to your kids, in the end, they all have these tendencies.
I would look for WOB or WSOB and look for a job with one of those. I think what "invites" it is that you are quiet and non-assertive. I used to be like that but worked on it in therapy. Establishing firm boundaries is key in any work environment. I'd recommend speaking with a therapist to learn some mechanisms you can employ in future jobs. They are simple things like "John, please do not touch me. I know a pat on the back is a friendly gesture, but I don't find it appropriate at work." And then after verbally stating that, send an email later to him stating the same thing. That way even if you do have to go to HR later, you have proof of the times you asked for the behavior to stop. Or if you're too anxious to speak in person to stop the behavior, immediately send an email after he leaves your desk. "John, I did not appreciate the way you touched me on the back earlier. I found it inappropriate for the workplace. Please see that this doesn't happen again." |
Anonymous
Yikes. |
Anonymous
| Wasnt there a post about this already? I remember it very clearly. |