I don’t have anything meaningful in my life besides my kids

[Anonymous]

(And DH. But DH also works a lot and we are deep in middle aged parenting, so the romantic part of the relationship takes a back seat to a lot of every day life.)

I work PT when kids are in school but it’s not very fulfilling work and I do it just for the paycheck and to contribute to family finances.

I have friends but everyone is busy with family life now.

Taking care of my kids is basically the only thing in my life that feels meaningful now. And their happiness, development, accomplishments and the growth are the only thing I feel I have meaningfully contributed to in my life. On the upside, I feel a lot of fulfillment from being with them. Downside is that i take it very personally when they fall behind on something or don’t measure up to their peers in certain. I feel like a failure as a mom and more fundamentally as a person since my identity is so closely tied to my role as a mother.

I’m guessing the answer is to get accomplishments of my own, but I am not really talented or skilled. I don’t want to lean in with my job or find another one.

Anyone relate or have advice?

[Anonymous]

It’s okay to only have “one thing” (in other words, it’s okay to not “have it all”).

But the dynamic you’re describing isn’t healthy for your kids. Your happiness and fulfillment is just too much for them to carry. It will only become more evident with time.

You don’t have to seek accomplishments, but you do need another source of fulfillment. Are you spiritual or spiritually-curious? Could you volunteer?

[Anonymous]

You need a hobby. And if nothing catches your attention, you need to go out and get a dog.

An animal can bring help you create a better routine through daily walks and it gives you something socially acceptable to talk about. It could help you make new friends and broaden your social circle. It’s a lot like going back to the preschool play date period of parenting where any kid can be a friend to yours and you’re really happy to have found other adults to discuss potty training strategies and the fun playgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Find a hobby that you can excel at.

[Anonymous]

Could you do any volunteering with a cause that’s important to you? Animal shelters and rescues are always looking for volunteers and pet foster parents. I feel the same way though, I don’t have much outside of my husband and kids and I’ve literally never “excelled” as a PP put it, at anything in my entire life. No talents whatsoever! I do love going to the cat rescue and helping out though, even the dirty work like cleaning the floors and scooping the litter boxes is good when all the cats are around!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a hobby. And if nothing catches your attention, you need to go out and get a dog.

An animal can bring help you create a better routine through daily walks and it gives you something socially acceptable to talk about. It could help you make new friends and broaden your social circle. It’s a lot like going back to the preschool play date period of parenting where any kid can be a friend to yours and you’re really happy to have found other adults to discuss potty training strategies and the fun playgrounds.

I'm a NP and a fellow untalented, unskilled person. I struggled with hobbies because it was hard to do ones that depended on a regular schedule, like tennis lessons or an art class. As the primary parent I inevitably have to cover last-minute DH work trips and could never find any continuity for my hobbies.

I got a shelter dog. He takes up way too much time but he gets me out of the house and out of my head. I can't say I'm making friends through him because our neighborhood is full of weirdos with social hangups, but I get outside and get exercise and am happy to have sprung a dog from a shelter.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any kind of spiritual life? Anything that brings deeper meaning to everyday things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a hobby. And if nothing catches your attention, you need to go out and get a dog.

An animal can bring help you create a better routine through daily walks and it gives you something socially acceptable to talk about. It could help you make new friends and broaden your social circle. It’s a lot like going back to the preschool play date period of parenting where any kid can be a friend to yours and you’re really happy to have found other adults to discuss potty training strategies and the fun playgrounds.

I'm a NP and a fellow untalented, unskilled person. I struggled with hobbies because it was hard to do ones that depended on a regular schedule, like tennis lessons or an art class. As the primary parent I inevitably have to cover last-minute DH work trips and could never find any continuity for my hobbies.

I got a shelter dog. He takes up way too much time but he gets me out of the house and out of my head. I can't say I'm making friends through him because our neighborhood is full of weirdos with social hangups, but I get outside and get exercise and am happy to have sprung a dog from a shelter.

I came here to say get a dog but thought people would think I was a weirdo. Glad to see two PPs agree! Sorry immediate PP you haven't made friends with your pup, that sincerely sucks. I have a whole new dog-walking friend group and we all go out for drinks, share dog-sitting recs and care for each others dogs, talk about training/agility/swimming, etc. and it's fun! Bonus, it's someone who just LOVES you and it is kinda like preschool days. I highly recommend.

[Anonymous]

Divorce and go find yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP I struggle with this too. Like you, I have a flexible job that is mostly just a paycheck but allows me to focus on my kids. And I'm a very committed mom and really value time with my kids and view raising them as the most important thing I do.

However, my mom totally committed herself to mothering and (1) she was not a great mom -- stifling and didn't know when to back off and give us room to fail or just be independent, and (2) when we grew up she became depressed because she was "losing" her life's purpose. Instead of being happy for us to be starting our adult lives, she resented it and tried to keep posing control over our lives. I do not have a great relationship with her.

So I really prioritize having my own life and things I derive pleasure from that have nothing to do with my kids, for both our sakes. You don't have to be great at something to do it, and technology makes it easy to do things on your time. I take writing workshops online. I am teaching myself to draw and paint using YouTube videos. I refinish furniture and sell it to neighbors. I have a 1000+ daughter unbroken streak on DuoLingo French and plans to spend my next milestone birthday in France, partially without kids (a week in Paris with DH and kids, and then he's taking them home while I spend an extra 5 days there with a friend visiting castles and vineyards).

Make your own life. If you have to, tell yourself it's a lesson for your kids in being a well balanced person. It's for you, too, but they will be glad you did it. They need to not be the ONLY thing that matters to you. It's too much pressure.

[Anonymous]

Please take up sewing or knitting. People don’t knit nowadays and sweaters sold in stores are such low quality. You could make handmade sweaters and sell them at cost to needy women instead of charging the $400 dollars greedy people charge. You’d be so fulfilled Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(And DH. But DH also works a lot and we are deep in middle aged parenting, so the romantic part of the relationship takes a back seat to a lot of every day life.)

I work PT when kids are in school but it’s not very fulfilling work and I do it just for the paycheck and to contribute to family finances.

I have friends but everyone is busy with family life now.

Taking care of my kids is basically the only thing in my life that feels meaningful now. And their happiness, development, accomplishments and the growth are the only thing I feel I have meaningfully contributed to in my life. On the upside, I feel a lot of fulfillment from being with them. Downside is that i take it very personally when they fall behind on something or don’t measure up to their peers in certain. I feel like a failure as a mom and more fundamentally as a person since my identity is so closely tied to my role as a mother.

I’m guessing the answer is to get accomplishments of my own, but I am not really talented or skilled. I don’t want to lean in with my job or find another one.

Anyone relate or have advice?

Start going to church.

[Anonymous]

You need a hobby. I have figured out that I need to be learning something to be happy. Pick a hobby where you can learn forever, like pottery. I also don’t hesitate to stop and start something new because I recognize that the initial learning curve is the really fun/fulfilling part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please take up sewing or knitting. People don’t knit nowadays and sweaters sold in stores are such low quality. You could make handmade sweaters and sell them at cost to needy women instead of charging the $400 dollars greedy people charge. You’d be so fulfilled Op

Haha this is terrible advice. I love knitting but if I paid myself a reasonable wage for sweaters they would cost $1500. I’m dying over the “needy” women lining up for hand knit sweaters.

[Anonymous]

Is there anything you wanted to try but didn't because of fear you would be no good?

Dancing lessons?
Painting or some other art class?
Yoga?
Pickleball?
Rock climbing?

You don't have to be good just try and see if it brings you joy.