Sick IL's: How much to help and or get involved.

[Anonymous]

I've posted about my MIL/FIL in the past. Unfortunately things have gotten worse and will continue to get worse.

Backstory: My MIL has chronic health issues and has been in a long-term acute hospital for the past 90 days. She has multiple serious illnesses, including MS and epilepsy. In January, MIL had several seizures lasting 3+ minutes long and was on a ventilator; she never fully recovered and has had a severe cognitive decline. She does not remember my husband. She is combative with staff and cannot be discharged to a skilled nursing facility until she no longer needs a 1:1 sitter. She is not improving with physical therapy because she has no recall day to day. FIL and MIL had two residences: a primary residence in the suburbs and a remote cabin. They planned to live in their remote cabin and retire there. FIL divested his primary home, sold it to my BIL, and "gifted' 120K in equity. This may have pose a barrier to a Medicaid application for my MIL's long-term care. FIL never moved out of the family home and still lives there. He left all his furniture and still occupies the main bedroom. He lives there permanently and still visits his cabin on the wekeends.

This is the only place I can post anonymously about my thoughts/feelings. Their health issues bleed everywhere into our lives right now. My DH made reservations to take me to my favorite restaurant on Mother's Day and planned to visit his Mom on Saturday at the hospital. FIL tells my husband he must visit their mother for Mother's Day. DH refuses, and FIL continues to press him on it, saying, "It could be your mom's last Mother's Day!" DH continued to say no. FIL continued to push him and say he had to visit him twice this week and drive his sister (it's the equivalent of "take your sibling with you"). His sister is 40 and refuses to drive the highway by herself. DH struggles to visit his Mom because she can't get out of bed and is still in a hospital gown; she moves her limbs erratically and unknowingly exposes her adult brief. DH has a hard time seeing her like that and goes to visit once per week. SIL is on FMLA and wants DH to take her anytime he goes. She will text my husband at 8 or 9 AM and ask him to drive her to the facility over 1hr away. FIL still goes to his remote cabin to go hunting and fishing, and on the days he doesn't visit MIL, he demands my husband to visit her in his place so she's "not by herself."

Thank DCUM for the advice on consulting with an attorney in my previous thread. However, my FIL is not going to see an estate attorney about a Medicaid application to pay for MIL's long-term care. He plans to quit claiming the deeding of his cabin to his kids to prevent his assets from being considered part of a Medicaid application. I told my husband it was a terrible idea and that the state would penalize him. My BIL will take out a home equity loan to pay my FIL back for the equity, but I wonder if he will qualify because there are limitations on how much equity can be drawn on...

FIL now has a lesion on his pancreas and needs to see an oncologist for a biopsy. He's been a life-long alcoholic and continues to drink but says "his doctor has cleared him" to drink alcohol. My husband is a mess. FIL always complains that my husband doesn't visit his Mom enough, and rightfully, he can't always visit her. Last week, we were all sick with PINK EYE and a respiratory illness, so he didn't go. FIL still complained, "You guys are always sick!"

What do we do? Just keep doing what we're doing as a family? My DH is insistent that he's not going to divert from his original plan to visit his Mom for Mother's Day on Saturday and keep visiting his Mom 1x/a week as he can and still take me out on Sunday. I've told DH things will get worse and continue to get worse as his parents get sicker and sicker. FIL waves DH off when he expresses his concern or refuses to talk about it. I'm worried how this will continue to impact DH. I am trying to be solid for him but I worry. I've been a long-term care social worker for over 10+ years now and have seen this dynamic time and time again occur when elderly folks fail to make plans for the end of their lives, and I'm worried this is going to be a hard dive.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it is already a hard dive.

Your DH wants a normal mother's day with you so let him have it. It doesn't matter at all in the big picture whether he sees his mother Saturday or Sunday. Its good for him to draw some lines with his relatives and this is the line he is choosing to draw. SIL can find her own ride.

[Anonymous]

This is DH's family. Op, you have got to drop the rope on feeling invested in HIS family. Your DH is doing, well-enough, in coping.

[Anonymous]

I think it is reasonable for you to put your focus on your nuclear family. The Mother's Day thing... I've read your previous posts, and this was always going to be an issue. These people do not have respectful reciprocal relationships or a lot of this would not be happening. If they did, you might be totally okay with having brunch with your MIL on what genuinely might be her last Mother's Day. But as it is, they are really dysfunctional.

I would support my husband with whatever boundaries he needs with his family right now. If that's reminding him, "You don't have to take SIL every time you go" and "It's okay if you only stay for half an hour with your mom" because the internal messages are very likely the opposite for him. I would try to remind him that his father asking for something does not mean that he automatically gets that thing.

Do you have your own therapist? I forget. If not, you might get a lot out of another place you can share your feelings. DCUM has been nice enough, but sharks patrol these waters, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it is already a hard dive.

Your DH wants a normal mother's day with you so let him have it. It doesn't matter at all in the big picture whether he sees his mother Saturday or Sunday. Its good for him to draw some lines with his relatives and this is the line he is choosing to draw. SIL can find her own ride.

+1. I’m sorry you guys are dealing with this. Medicaid has a five-year lookback, so I don’t really see the point in the quitclaim deed for the cabin. Things are going to heck in a handbasket it seems.

[Anonymous]

We have advised you. He has money and when the time comes he needs to pay.

[Anonymous]

Encourage your DH to spend Saturday with his mom - sounds like she won't know it's not Sunday/mother's day anyway.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see what plan you need - you have an attorney for FIL now, you have a Mother’s Day plan. Do you just wish DH were more worried like you?

FIL is an alcoholic. You can’t reason with an active alcoholic.

DH’s plan of weekly visits seems compassionate without being overwhelming. Things seem as good as can be expected.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest your DH enroll in therapy. He needs a neutral third party to discuss this stuff with. I semi-forced my DH to do the same thing when his parents were very ill, and it helped a lot.

Other than that, I'm not really sure what else you are expecting to do. Do you want him visiting more often? Less often?

[Anonymous]

What do you want your DH to do? Let him handle it in his way. It sounds like he is doing fine. Your DH is not stupid, he knows his mother is very sick. Whatever problem he has seeing part of a Depends is not the real problem. The real problem is she's dying and he knows it.

I would focus on handling things around the house to free up your DH's time, and reminding yourself that you can't fix this or solve it, it's going to be a nightmare and you just have to let it be. Leave it alone.

STOP pressuring, nagging, "advising" in any way pestering your DH to do things differently from how he wants to. It doesn't really matter anyway and if you want to support him, then don't hassle him and respect his choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest your DH enroll in therapy. He needs a neutral third party to discuss this stuff with. I semi-forced my DH to do the same thing when his parents were very ill, and it helped a lot.

Other than that, I'm not really sure what else you are expecting to do. Do you want him visiting more often? Less often?

+1 In addition to helping your DH manage his feelings and maintain appropriate boundaries, you should also attend so this causes less stress in your marriage. You definitely need to learn to distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is DH's family. Op, you have got to drop the rope on feeling invested in HIS family. Your DH is doing, well-enough, in coping.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op, you aren’t willing to help, so why keep complaining. You can go visit your mil and help if your husband will not. Your husband should step up. Maybe get your sil an Uber gift card.

[Anonymous]

There is no way you are a social worker based off your comments.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is not much of a role for you besides supporting DH. I

'd drop worrying about FIL's money, health or drinking. You have no control over any of that. Just let it play out. MIL is not long for this world. FIL is likely to keep doing things that are dumb that he thinks are clever, that is who he is.

In a way, things ARE better because it's clear MIL is not going to linger for a very long time and suffer. So the financial issues are not nearly as pressing, another plus. It would help you a lot if you could stop thinking of how things "should" be and getting wound up about that. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Hope you and your family have a nice Mother's Day.