41, childless, and full of regret

[Anonymous]

A dear friend is struggling with this and I’m trying to support her.

She desperately wants a baby, but is not open to doing it solo, and she is not in a relationship.

I love this friend and she is so wonderful. She’s stable, athletic, attractive, and sweet. Men love her.

She just didn’t realize that she does actually want babies until very recently. And now she feels it’s too late. In her 20s and 30s it was just not something she felt sure she wanted or even focused on at all.

I’ve tried telling her she has options-there’s technology and medicine now! Or there are other ways to create a family (maybe she will find someone who has kids already and be a stepmom, or maybe she will foster or adopt). She doesn’t have a lot of money, so she views most of the options above as nonstarters.

Maybe this is a situation of just sitting with her through the disappointment and the sorrow and uncertainty, and acknowledging that it is hard and saying I’m sorry. But my heart just breaks for her and she’s really down.

Any tips on how to be a good friend through all of this? I swear my friend is wonderful and would be a great mom!

[Anonymous]

Just listen.

[Anonymous]

There really isn't hope, so don't peddle it. Clinics won't take her past 43. Just listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There really isn't hope, so don't peddle it. Clinics won't take her past 43. Just listen.

*past 42 with own-egg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just listen.

+1 Stop trying to fix it, that will just make her defensive.

I am going to repeat this because I get the sense you live for other's drama: DON'T TRYING AND FIX IT.

[Anonymous]

If she can't get her act together -herself- she shouldn't be a mother to a child. Op, I would never say that, would have a very different response, and so much kinder, if she had posted. You posted. She is leaning on her friends. She should have grown-up and matured more than, before her age.

[Anonymous]

Having kids is over rated

[Anonymous]

If she never wanted kids through her 20’s and 30’s, this is probably just a period of mourning that the possibility of having a kid is going away. I’ve had a few friends go through the same thing, and none of them would have actually enjoyed the kind of permanent lifestyle change that a baby would have brought to their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is over rated

+1. Add marriage to the overrated list, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, even some of us with older kids have a sudden urge to procreate again when we hit perimenopause. This is me right now. It's the hormones. My oldest is in college! What am I doing with dreams of babies, ridiculous!

She's going through a rough patch, and will come out the other side more serene. But right now, yes, it hurts. Just listen and be sympathetic. You were correct to give her a run down of the options, but don't push her to any one solution. She has to come to it on her own.

[Anonymous]

OP here. One of my challenges in this is that I’m kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was so afraid of not having kids that I settled. I met, married, and birthed 2 kids with my DH all in a matter of 3.5 years. Now, I’m in an unhappy marriage with 2 kids. I don’t regret it, but like, there’s no magical solution. I try to tell my friend this but it’s not helpful. I try hard to make sure I’m not being a “smug married”. I do love my kids though and I think my friend would be a wonderful mom and I want this for her so much!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is over rated

No when you really want them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There really isn't hope, so don't peddle it. Clinics won't take her past 43. Just listen.

Up to 54 with donated egg. Don’t be such a killjoy, PP.

OP: listen. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One of my challenges in this is that I’m kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was so afraid of not having kids that I settled. I met, married, and birthed 2 kids with my DH all in a matter of 3.5 years. Now, I’m in an unhappy marriage with 2 kids. I don’t regret it, but like, there’s no magical solution. I try to tell my friend this but it’s not helpful. I try hard to make sure I’m not being a “smug married”. I do love my kids though and I think my friend would be a wonderful mom and I want this for her so much!!

Honestly OP - you sound like a good friend, and also overly invested in this. Listen to your friend - distract her with fun stuff not involving kids. And don't try to solve this for her. Your friend knows what her options are. If she really does want this, she'll pursue one of those options - and if she's finding reasons not to do so, then I think you can fairly say she doesn't really want it that much. Most of us really do vote with our feet.

Just be a friend, not a fixer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she never wanted kids through her 20’s and 30’s, this is probably just a period of mourning that the possibility of having a kid is going away. I’ve had a few friends go through the same thing, and none of them would have actually enjoyed the kind of permanent lifestyle change that a baby would have brought to their life.

Op here. I hope this is true. I also find myself sometimes pondering the idea of one more baby, even though I’m 40 now, and my kids are 6 and 8 and my marriage is hanging by a thread (or basically over).

I worry this is bigger than just mourning the possibility though, in my friend’s case. And her desire is pretty overwhelming and has been there for at least a year or two. She’s almost 42 and still believes there’s hope. Obviously not my place to dissuade her of that understanding though, and also who knows, it could happen.