I’m so sick of communicating with my husband like this

[Anonymous]

It’s killing our marriage. He will ask my preference about something. I’ll tell him. And then he questions and berates me about it until I’m exhausted and exasperated and finally just give in to what he wants to do. Yes, I’ve held my ground in the past but then he just pouts. That’s not a great outcome either - it’s completely wrecked my attraction to him and he doesn’t understand why, despite me telling him.

I don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been to therapy and it hasn’t helped.

[Anonymous]

That sounds infuriating. What kind of preferences are we talking about? Dinner choices? Paint colors? Politics?

[Anonymous]

No words of advice here, just compassion. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

All of the above, except politics. It’s the one thing we agree on.

[Anonymous]

to what he wants to do

For what? Examples would help. I would say, for important things, you-do-you. If it's a vacation. You go. Don't discuss, inform. Same with most purchases (with an eye on keeping the spending relatively equal) What is there to disagree about? I'm trying to envision this. Help us.

[Anonymous]

pp again. So the pouting ...when you have left the room, you don't see it.

[Anonymous]

Just tell him the opposite of what you want since he’s goi f to discredit you anyway. Then you get what you want. Reverse psychology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s killing our marriage. He will ask my preference about something. I’ll tell him. And then he questions and berates me about it until I’m exhausted and exasperated and finally just give in to what he wants to do. Yes, I’ve held my ground in the past but then he just pouts. That’s not a great outcome either - it’s completely wrecked my attraction to him and he doesn’t understand why, despite me telling him.

I don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been to therapy and it hasn’t helped.

This trend is so common and it really makes me wonder whether women should ever get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s killing our marriage. He will ask my preference about something. I’ll tell him. And then he questions and berates me about it until I’m exhausted and exasperated and finally just give in to what he wants to do. Yes, I’ve held my ground in the past but then he just pouts. That’s not a great outcome either - it’s completely wrecked my attraction to him and he doesn’t understand why, despite me telling him.

I don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been to therapy and it hasn’t helped.

This trend is so common and it really makes me wonder whether women should ever get married.

Is it really? It's not common in my group of friends or family

[Anonymous]

He wants to seem like the nice guy but still control everything

[Anonymous]

This is controlling and manipulative, OP. (Not you, him) View it with that lens and think about what you want to do with that going forward. If therapy isn't helping, and he controls and manipulates your choices constantly. Where to go from there.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds like my wife. Don't think it's husband/wife issue, more person issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants to seem like the nice guy but still control everything

That's what it comes down to. My DH does it to a lesser extent. He'll ask me my preference, I'll give him an answer, he'll question me over and over about why I want x and what's wrong with y? After a few rounds of this, I tell him: you asked me and I gave you my answer, and you apparently do not like my answer. What is it that you really want? He'd usually back down then. Nowadays as soon as I recognize what's going on, I stop engaging and he knows he's getting nowhere badgering me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants to seem like the nice guy but still control everything

That's what it comes down to. My DH does it to a lesser extent. He'll ask me my preference, I'll give him an answer, he'll question me over and over about why I want x and what's wrong with y? After a few rounds of this, I tell him: you asked me and I gave you my answer, and you apparently do not like my answer. What is it that you really want? He'd usually back down then. Nowadays as soon as I recognize what's going on, I stop engaging and he knows he's getting nowhere badgering me.

Woman here and guilty of doing this. For me, it's my own indecisiveness and trouble making a final decision. I want to think through every scenario before going for it. Drives my DH mad. It's not about not liking his answer, just my own issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants to seem like the nice guy but still control everything

That's what it comes down to. My DH does it to a lesser extent. He'll ask me my preference, I'll give him an answer, he'll question me over and over about why I want x and what's wrong with y? After a few rounds of this, I tell him: you asked me and I gave you my answer, and you apparently do not like my answer. What is it that you really want? He'd usually back down then. Nowadays as soon as I recognize what's going on, I stop engaging and he knows he's getting nowhere badgering me.

Woman here and guilty of doing this. For me, it's my own indecisiveness and trouble making a final decision. I want to think through every scenario before going for it. Drives my DH mad. It's not about not liking his answer, just my own issues.

I would do that too when married being indecisive, but it would be something I would have a final say on. like a paint color for a room. I would ask why he picked that color and he wouldn't have words to describe it. Just say I like it better. So it got kind of frustrating. It was as if he just picked something without caring. So I stopped asking and then he got mad too saying he didn't have a say. I was always willing to consider something but you can't just say I prefer moonlight blue over evening blue without any explanation if someone is trying to decide between two final choices and they are the ones responsible for choosing it and taking on the responsibility with the painting or the contractor and payment. Or you have to understand that they don't have a lot to work with from you and so are going to use their own intuition over what comes across as a random feel.