Sister Dynamics: Seeking Advice

[Anonymous]

Looking for some advice on a dynamic between my two daughters, aged 8 and 10. As an only child myself, don’t have much of a frame of reference on how to handle this.

Overall, my daughters are very close and play well together. However my 10yo has developed a bad attitude which has started to negatively affect her younger sister. They used to do an activity together on weekends, but my 8yo asked to pursue a new sport this spring while the 10yo refused every option. Now that the 8yo wants to practice at home her older sister actively tries to ruin it for her by convincing her to do something else. I had to bring the 10yo long to a game today which made the experience miserable for all of us. She pouted and complained the entire hour then talked about how “boring” the sport was on the ride home.

I feel there is a bit of jealousy in play as well but it also could just be her personality. 8yo has always had an easier time making friends while the 10yo struggles a bit socially. She does have one best friend but other than that, just acquaintances, in her class. We tried group therapy a few months ago, but it didn't help much if at all.

Does anyone here have experience with a similar dynamic and how to navigate? I understand they have very different personalities, but I need real advice. My husband is no help and I’m too embarrassed to talk about it with my friends. TIA

[Anonymous]

10 yo needs her own activity, which apparently isn't sports. Help her find a "thing" that's hers and support that. She will make friends that way too.

BTW, I only say she need a thing because she's trying to interfere with 8 yo's thing. If she simply didn't want to be involved, that would be fine: some kids need more downtime and me-time.

Avoid dragging either of them to the other activity, e.g., don't make 10 yo go watch games.

[Anonymous]

Tell the 10 yr old to cut the shit. In our house, if you whine once you get a warning to stop. If you whine a second time, you get sent to your room and can only come out when you're ready to talk without whining. You're only allowed to complain about something once -again, if you complain a second time you get told we already heard you the first time and go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk about other things.

Ten is not allowed to watch or otherwise interfere with Eight's practice. If she has nothing nice to say she needs to keep her mouth shut. Why aren't you parenting your kids?

[Anonymous]

When you have girls, the older girl tends to be the top dog. There is no way to get around it. Maybe when they get older the dynamic changes due to career, marriage , family issues but when they are young the oldest girl will always strive for the top position. It’s annoying bc you want your youngest to be happy too.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion bad attitude usually equates to low self esteem. Not just a bad kid. I’m sure some jealousy is at play. Maybe the 10 year old is too scared/not feeling good enough to try a new activity and feeling left out. Maybe feeling like she is going to lose her friend/sister to new activity.. if that makes sense. So her defense mechanism is to put activity/sister down.

Have you tried individual therapy? Is there any activity the 10 year old would feel good about doing? Also, I would try your best to not bring 10 yr old to 8 yr olds activities. At the same time you need to make it clear the 10 year old cannot ruin 8 yr olds practices, etc.

[Anonymous]

Much good advice above. The 10 year old needs her own thing.

This sounds like normal kid stuff and not therapy-requiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking for some advice on a dynamic between my two daughters, aged 8 and 10. As an only child myself, don’t have much of a frame of reference on how to handle this.

Overall, my daughters are very close and play well together. However my 10yo has developed a bad attitude which has started to negatively affect her younger sister. They used to do an activity together on weekends, but my 8yo asked to pursue a new sport this spring while the 10yo refused every option. Now that the 8yo wants to practice at home her older sister actively tries to ruin it for her by convincing her to do something else. I had to bring the 10yo long to a game today which made the experience miserable for all of us. She pouted and complained the entire hour then talked about how “boring” the sport was on the ride home.

I feel there is a bit of jealousy in play as well but it also could just be her personality. 8yo has always had an easier time making friends while the 10yo struggles a bit socially. She does have one best friend but other than that, just acquaintances, in her class. We tried group therapy a few months ago, but it didn't help much if at all.

Does anyone here have experience with a similar dynamic and how to navigate? I understand they have very different personalities, but I need real advice. My husband is no help and I’m too embarrassed to talk about it with my friends. TIA

Why is that bum no help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking for some advice on a dynamic between my two daughters, aged 8 and 10. As an only child myself, don’t have much of a frame of reference on how to handle this.

Overall, my daughters are very close and play well together. However my 10yo has developed a bad attitude which has started to negatively affect her younger sister. They used to do an activity together on weekends, but my 8yo asked to pursue a new sport this spring while the 10yo refused every option. Now that the 8yo wants to practice at home her older sister actively tries to ruin it for her by convincing her to do something else. I had to bring the 10yo long to a game today which made the experience miserable for all of us. She pouted and complained the entire hour then talked about how “boring” the sport was on the ride home.

I feel there is a bit of jealousy in play as well but it also could just be her personality. 8yo has always had an easier time making friends while the 10yo struggles a bit socially. She does have one best friend but other than that, just acquaintances, in her class. We tried group therapy a few months ago, but it didn't help much if at all.

Does anyone here have experience with a similar dynamic and how to navigate? I understand they have very different personalities, but I need real advice. My husband is no help and I’m too embarrassed to talk about it with my friends. TIA

Why is that bum no help

Ha! It’s a much larger issue but he’s just not good at parenting and consistency in general.

Thanks for the advice. I did try to get the 10yo into her own thing but she refused every suggestion and did not want to continue the previous activity without her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the 10 yr old to cut the shit. In our house, if you whine once you get a warning to stop. If you whine a second time, you get sent to your room and can only come out when you're ready to talk without whining. You're only allowed to complain about something once -again, if you complain a second time you get told we already heard you the first time and go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk about other things.

Ten is not allowed to watch or otherwise interfere with Eight's practice. If she has nothing nice to say she needs to keep her mouth shut. Why aren't you parenting your kids?

I do parent them actually, this is similar to what I do but after all this happens and I remove 10yo, 8yo has lost interest in practicing anymore. Today’s incident happened at the field so I put her in the car for the rest of the game. She typically doesn’t come to 8yo’s games but my husband was working today so she had to come with.

[Anonymous]

Family don't get a pass at being rude. Always keep that in mind. Older sisters don't get a pass, because they are older, at belittling siblings. That includes sarcasm. Sarcasm is bullying.

Op, you are a long ways from this, this will happen when they are near-adults (ideally). They are equals. They are peers. "Older" is unimportant and does not get to lead/guide/dominate.

[Anonymous]

10 year old needs an activity—preferably sports. Tell her she can or you can pick, but she’s doing something.

[Anonymous]

Someone gave me the advice here to look at the time kids are in an activity as a good time to have 1:1 time with the kid who isn’t participating. Get a little snack, braid her hair or do the wordle, etc.
I mean, your 10 year old is not wrong. Watching her 8 year old sister probably IS boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone gave me the advice here to look at the time kids are in an activity as a good time to have 1:1 time with the kid who isn’t participating. Get a little snack, braid her hair or do the wordle, etc.
I mean, your 10 year old is not wrong. Watching her 8 year old sister probably IS boring.

+100000000000000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the 10 yr old to cut the shit. In our house, if you whine once you get a warning to stop. If you whine a second time, you get sent to your room and can only come out when you're ready to talk without whining. You're only allowed to complain about something once -again, if you complain a second time you get told we already heard you the first time and go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk about other things.

Ten is not allowed to watch or otherwise interfere with Eight's practice. If she has nothing nice to say she needs to keep her mouth shut. Why aren't you parenting your kids?

This is a great way to get your children to hate you and not speak to you as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell the 10 yr old to cut the shit. In our house, if you whine once you get a warning to stop. If you whine a second time, you get sent to your room and can only come out when you're ready to talk without whining. You're only allowed to complain about something once -again, if you complain a second time you get told we already heard you the first time and go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk about other things.

Ten is not allowed to watch or otherwise interfere with Eight's practice. If she has nothing nice to say she needs to keep her mouth shut. Why aren't you parenting your kids?

This is a great way to get your children to hate you and not speak to you as an adult.

+1 But OP doesn’t seem to care about her 10yo.