Sibling interfering with playdates?

[Anonymous]

My 2nd grader has found a neighborhood friend who is the same age that she is very attached to.  I found that when they would do spontaneous hang outs she would often get called away after 20 minutes so I pivoted to planned ahead playdates.  

This week we had a play date that we scheduled several days in advance.  20 minutes in the neighbor's older sister shows up with another neighborhood girl asking to talk to her sister. The sister leaves and my kid is left alone and disappointed.  I asked what happened and apparently the sister said she had to leave and go play when them and when my kid asked if they wanted to all play together they said no. They also didn't offer to have her join them. So they basically hijacked my daughter's play date and ditched her.  I reached out to the mom and she had no idea it was happening said it was a misunderstanding and sent the friend back over to our house to finish the playdate. Now I'm wondering if the other times she left after 20 minutes was because the sister lied about how she needed to come home vs. the family actually having plans.
 
Looking for advice here - should I start phasing my daughter away from that friendship?  She's so attached to the friend but if she's going to be bullied by the older sister is the friendship worth it? I don't know that its my place to bring up the older daughter's behavior to the mom more than I already have - seems like an intra-family dynamic issue? I want her to have neighborhood friends but this whole thing seems really weird to me. 

[Anonymous]

that’s weird but sounds like the other girl’s mom is supportive. I’d keep on setting up playdates and make sure you clarify with the mom that the girl will be staying at your house and not leaving with the older sister. then just send older sister away. you could also take the girls somewhere else for the playdate. Since your daughter really likes this girl seems worthwhile to make the effort.

[Anonymous]

Do the playdates at your house, problem solved. The older sister is sabotaging the younger sister.

[Anonymous]

How old is the older sister? Free range kids like this are a PIA. I'd start expanding the friend group.

[Anonymous]

Or take the kids somewhere for the play date, like a park or mini golf. Somewhere the sister can’t walk over.

[Anonymous]

And the next time the older sister comes over, if she says younger sister has to leave, you very politely and kindly say, “oh shoot. That’s too bad. We are disappointed Larla has to go home. I’m going to give your mom a call really quickly to ask if she can stay.” See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or take the kids somewhere for the play date, like a park or mini golf. Somewhere the sister can’t walk over.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And the next time the older sister comes over, if she says younger sister has to leave, you very politely and kindly say, “oh shoot. That’s too bad. We are disappointed Larla has to go home. I’m going to give your mom a call really quickly to ask if she can stay.” See what happens.

Yep - call the kid's bluff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And the next time the older sister comes over, if she says younger sister has to leave, you very politely and kindly say, “oh shoot. That’s too bad. We are disappointed Larla has to go home. I’m going to give your mom a call really quickly to ask if she can stay.” See what happens.

Yes, when she's at your house, you're the adult in charge. I would check with her parent before sending her off with a kid, even her sister, if it's a change in plan.

[Anonymous]

oof- is it weird that my reaction is "so she's your oldest or only kid"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oof- is it weird that my reaction is "so she's your oldest or only kid"

No, mine too.

I wouldn’t care OP. It’s a neighborhood play date within walking distance, let it go. There isn’t a hard and fast end time, at least not as a minimum.

[Anonymous]

This might be an unpopular response — but by the end of second-grade, your daughter is old enough to work out the dynamics. Scheduling a playdate days ahead of time with a neighbor undermines the benefits of having neighborhood friends. Personally, I wouldn’t want to get into that type of pattern.

I would just let the girls play when they can, and if the sister dynamic is a problem, your daughter might choose not to play anymore with this kid. But I don’t think there is much you can control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that’s weird but sounds like the other girl’s mom is supportive. I’d keep on setting up playdates and make sure you clarify with the mom that the girl will be staying at your house and not leaving with the older sister. then just send older sister away. you could also take the girls somewhere else for the playdate. Since your daughter really likes this girl seems worthwhile to make the effort.

This. I’d keep doing it but encourage other friendships too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oof- is it weird that my reaction is "so she's your oldest or only kid"

No, mine too.

I wouldn’t care OP. It’s a neighborhood play date within walking distance, let it go. There isn’t a hard and fast end time, at least not as a minimum.

Disagree. OP's family set aside time for this, it wasnt a random hangout where one kid dropped by. Leaving early because the big sister is bored/jealous disrespects OP's time that she held for the other kid. (Leaving early for a real reason or because the guest was unhappy would be fine. But sibling doesn't make that call.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oof- is it weird that my reaction is "so she's your oldest or only kid"

No, mine too.

I wouldn’t care OP. It’s a neighborhood play date within walking distance, let it go. There isn’t a hard and fast end time, at least not as a minimum.

Disagree. OP's family set aside time for this, it wasnt a random hangout where one kid dropped by. Leaving early because the big sister is bored/jealous disrespects OP's time that she held for the other kid. (Leaving early for a real reason or because the guest was unhappy would be fine. But sibling doesn't make that call.)

Agree to disagree. Unless you have to drive to/from the play date, I’ve never had a neighbourhood play date be this formal. The other mom might say, come over at 2, and I assume about 2 hours, but if my kid walked back home after an hour or so, big deal. They were done, for whatever reason.