Can you ask someone if they’re intending to throw a party?

[Anonymous]

We have neighbors who used to throw a huge party every year in December for about 10 years. They stopped during Covid and pivoted in 2021 to a Memorial Day party instead, which was still indoors but was largely outside, whereas the December party was always fully inside. It was a great party the last three years and involved our entire large neighborhood friend group plus some other people they invited who don’t live here.

I was talking to someone yesterday about how we were looking forward to the Memorial Day party again and then we realized we hadn’t gotten an invitation yet. The prior years they were sent (electronically) by the end of April.

If they aren’t going to throw a party this year I may do it because it was so fun, but I don’t want to throw a conflicting party (and I’d much rather attend their party than host my own!) and I don’t think I can ask them if they’re going to throw a party this year because that sounds like I’m asking for an invitation, right? I have no reason to think I wouldn’t be invited this year and my friend wasn’t either and we haven’t heard anyone else mention it so I think it’s pretty safe to assume they have not sent out invitations yet, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not hosting it.

Can I ask them if they plan to throw the party this year? Or should I just wait and then throw something together at the last minute if they haven’t sent out invitations by that point? And to be clear, if they do throw the party and for some reason I’m not invited, I wouldn’t throw a revenge party or anything. I’m not petty, I just want to have a party with my friends like we have the last three years!

[Anonymous]

I think waiting and then throwing something together at the last minute if they haven’t sent out invitations by that point is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

I hope you reciprocate other times of the year

[Anonymous]

I would ask, framing it as you are trying to nail down Memorial Day plans and don’t want to miss it if they are planning one.

[Anonymous]

Usually I wouldn’t. But if you’re thinking of throwing a party if they don’t, it’s ok to ask. Just make sure to invite them if you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you reciprocate other times of the year

I do. I host at least two big parties every year at our house for this group. We actually host most than anyone else, except maybe this friend. But I also don’t need to host! It’s a lot of time and money and effort and I’m willing to do it because we have fun but I would be totally fine with others hosting more. Honestly whenever it comes up people say they’ll help but don’t want to host so we often end up doing it. So the same is true here. I would happily attend a party at someone else’s house but will also host if it means no party if I don’t. Our houses and amenities are somewhat similar but some of us have better layouts that work better for hosting so I get why some people don’t want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask, framing it as you are trying to nail down Memorial Day plans and don’t want to miss it if they are planning one.

Ok, thanks. Like I said, I don’t know why we wouldn’t be invited so I don’t think it would seem like I was fishing for an invitation (which would be rude). I’ve just seen so many times on DCUM when people say that things I don’t think are rude would be rude. (Like if a party says no gifts I won’t bring a gift but some people say you should bring one anyway because not bringing a gift is rude. I have twins so if I get an invitation I assume it’s only for the twin who is in the birthday child’s class but then I get asked why I didn’t bring the other kid. Etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually I wouldn’t. But if you’re thinking of throwing a party if they don’t, it’s ok to ask. Just make sure to invite them if you do.

Yes, they would of course be invited. They’re not our closest friends but our houses are catty corner from each other and we get along just fine, our kids just aren’t the same ages so other than the bus or if they see each other outside they don’t hang out much. But no issues and the invite group would be much the same regardless of who hosted (they would invite people from outside the neighborhood though and I probably wouldn’t).

[Anonymous]

Could you quietly ask other neighbors if they've received an invitation? Maybe they are still planning to host, and some sort of email glitch prevented you from receiving the invitation?

[Anonymous]

Hi Lisa, DH and I were making our Memorial Day weekend plans and floated the idea of throwing a party for the neighborhood. We realized you and Pete normally do this and wanted to check if you are this year - we certainly wouldn't want to step on your party toes! PS Your tulips look amazing!

[Anonymous]

I think ok to ask in this scenario, spelling out your reasons. They may be having a conversation right now at home "should we host that party again? Wish someone else would step up and offer..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask, framing it as you are trying to nail down Memorial Day plans and don’t want to miss it if they are planning one.

Ok, thanks. Like I said, I don’t know why we wouldn’t be invited so I don’t think it would seem like I was fishing for an invitation (which would be rude). I’ve just seen so many times on DCUM when people say that things I don’t think are rude would be rude. (Like if a party says no gifts I won’t bring a gift but some people say you should bring one anyway because not bringing a gift is rude. I have twins so if I get an invitation I assume it’s only for the twin who is in the birthday child’s class but then I get asked why I didn’t bring the other kid. Etc.)

No you're correct to not bring a gift if that's what the invitation specifies.

[Anonymous]

Ask a mutual acquaintance who you know would definitely be invited if they got an invite. Awkward still but less awkward than directly asking the potential hosts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Lisa, DH and I were making our Memorial Day weekend plans and floated the idea of throwing a party for the neighborhood. We realized you and Pete normally do this and wanted to check if you are this year - we certainly wouldn't want to step on your party toes! PS Your tulips look amazing!

+1

[Anonymous]

No, don't badger someone else about a party that they may or may not be throwing (or inviting you to), and don't try to do "their thing" yourself. Choose something else.