AITA: summer edition
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Anonymous
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My spouse is a middle school math teacher. Yesterday I asked if they had any plans to pick up some work this summer for extra money (extra money would be helpful right now for some necessary expenses). They got very upset and said they were exhausted and needed time off to decompress.
I get this yes, but as the breadwinner that never seems to get a break and will still be on deck to get the kids to and from daycare this summer (their daycare is in my firm’s building), I was hurt. I would love to lounge at the pool all summer and sleep in. I wasn’t asking them to take on an 8-5, maybe just pick up some tutoring hours or take an opportunity the school district is begging for from core teachers. AITA for suggesting they pick up extra work this summer? |
Anonymous
| My best friend is a teacher and she definitely takes on the majority of childcare during the summer because she isn't working. I used to be a fed lawyer so I'd have the kids on the government holidays that my husband didn't have off (like Veteran's Day, for example). But I'm pretty firm about our marriage being equal, so I would be really annoyed if I were in your shoes. And by the way, by "equal" I don't mean I bean count, because I don't at all, but we both make sure the other person is doing ok and figure out what we can do to support them at any given point. For example, my husband has had to be working out of the house for the last two weeks (we both normally work from home), so I have been asking him what I can do to make his life easier because I know it's harder to have to deal with a commute and work longer hours than normal. I don't have to do anything for him, but I care about him so I'm willing to get up earlier if it means he can sleep in since his days are currently harder than mine. So I just can't understand how your spouse would be fine letting you continue to work full days and they just lounge around the pool. |
Anonymous
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Not an unreasonable question, but it totally depends how and when you asked it to determine IYATA.
If you said something about how hard they've worked and you hope they get a deserved break, that could help, but in general the finance discussion should happen separately from pointed comments or suggestions about what one spouse does. |
Anonymous
| If he is at home this summer, why do your kids need daycare? Have him take care of the kids, book dinner, be a SAHD. I am a middle school math teacher and never have I worked summers. |
Anonymous
Pulling them out of daycare (which is discounted slightly for firm employees) would result in us losing our spot. The wait list is astronomical. So we could just not send them and pay for their spot, but that seems like a waste of $$$. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your spouse to pick up extra work if you’ve had some unexpected expenses. Maybe approach the conversation again when things have cooled down? Also, if I were in your shoes I would consider whether your feelings come from resentment about being the primary earner. I don’t think that makes YTA - seems understandable to me. It just might not be great for the marriage. Keep in mind that when your kids are in school and daycare is no longer an option, having a parent home for the summer is a HUGE bonus. If the spouse doesn’t take on summers with the kids when it comes time to do so, I’d see that as a big problem on their end. |
Anonymous
Spending time with the kids isn't a waste of money. And maybe if the alternative is kids at home, spouse will work lol. |
Anonymous
| Is your spouse at least willing to get the kids ready before you drive them? When mine were in day care that was a more significant lift than the drive itself. |
Anonymous
| If you are in need of some extra money and your DH would rather hang out and do his own thing all summer while you continue to work, then HITA. |
Anonymous
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Depending on how tight your finances actually are, I'm going to vote YTA. If you really genuinely need the money to put food on the table, this might be different.
The daycare is in your building, so taking them to and from daycare isn't actually significantly more work than your normal commute. This also, significantly, doesn't change whether or not your spouse takes on tutoring hours, you're doing it either way. The makes this feel like resentment more than anything else. Your spouse gets a summer off, and you don't. Resentment is AH behavior and not a fair basis for making demands of a partner. |
Anonymous
This. +1. |
Anonymous
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Your summer is definitely unfairly balanced.
So the question is— what does the rest of the year look like? I would definitely assume that if weekdays all summer are “off” for your spouse than they are primary parent for all weekend activities right? And you get to sleep in and recharge, due to you also needing time to decompress? If that isn’t the case, you need a discussion on finances and family resources. No way would my husband be ok with lounging around all day for months while I work, and neither would I want that for him. Your spouse needs to find ways that the family resource or his time off is shared with you. |
Anonymous
Sitting on your a$$ expecting your spouse to make the money and handle the childcare is more of an AH behavior. |
Anonymous
I think that, if you actually need the money for necessary expenses, the answer is to acknowledge how your spouse is feeling and that it may be legitimate, but reiterate that for financial reasons, it would be helpful if they could find part time tutoring or some other more limited way to bring in some additional money. Being a teacher is very stressful, but the financial reality of your situation is the financial reality. |
Anonymous
Can they do a reduced schedule even if you have to pay? So your spouse can have them at least a few days a week if he isn’t working? I understand teaching is hard work, especially now, but doesn’t seem fair that he gets to punt on the daily grind of parenting for the entire summer. |