Finally starting to feel stable in my marriage after H's affair absolutely destroyed me. Now I have a crush. FML.

[Anonymous]

Background: mid 30s, together 15 years, married 8 years, two kids under 6yo. in 2020 DH became withdrawn, depressed, angry, anxious, and was a completely different person than my hilarious, happy, loving, thoughtful husband. It progressively got worse for the next 2.5 years. During this time, I was nothing but supportive, reassuring, loving, kind, and also pregnant, sick as hell (HG, preeclampsia), working FT, and caring for a toddler. Dec 2022 Dday happened. I found out he had a ONS on a work trip in 2020 and continued on a long distance affair via video calls, texting, sexting, nudes, etc. It absolutely broke my soul in ways I cannot articulate. From the second I found out, the weight of the guilt was lifted (I literally saw it happen in front of me) from him and he has been as perfect as a wayward can be- went to individual and marriage counseling, read a million books, supported me in every way possible, was kind and calm and present, told his family and held himself accountable, and much more. A year and a half later, in many ways I feels stronger than we've ever been, the pain has dulled, and it's this push and pull between feeling so relieved I have my person back and the horrible stains the trauma has left that I believe will always be there.

Well, I started a new job a few weeks ago and my team is only 3 people- my boss, myself, and the most handsome, charismatic, intelligent man I've ever met. We are remote, but will be together at a 3 day conference next week including happy hours and dinners.

UGH. On one hand, we are finally in a place of stability and thriving. On the other hand, I'm so ANGRY and frankly jealous that my H go to experience flirting and fun for 2.5 YEARS not to mention being with someone else sexually (we've been together since we were 19). I have the most straight and narrow moral compass imaginable and will not cheat. Should I tell H about my crush before I go because otherwise, I feel like a hypocrite and like I should live up to the same standards I expect(ed?) him to.

[Anonymous]

How would you be a hypocrite for having a crush but not acting on it? I thought is just a thought, a feeling is just a feeling. It's when you take action on it that it becomes a problem.

[Anonymous]

Don’t say anything. Your husband may not give you the grace you gave him. Enjoy the frisson.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your marriage really benefited from the transparency your H provided after his affair. And I’m so sorry it happened. But if what you’re looking for is a long-term and stable, happy marriage with that kind of transparency, then yes probably best to have some sort of brief conversation about it, not act on it, and move on. I completely get what you’re saying, it’s a double standard that you have always played by the rules and your H didn’t. But I will tell you separate from your marriage dynamic; the biggest reason to keep your distance from a charismatic married man that these guys are pretty dangerous. Don’t know if you saw the other comments on the thread of the happily married woman who wants to cheat, but married men can really take advantage of married women’s vulnerability and susceptibility to flirting. These Guys seem charming, but often are dogs, caught in their own midlife crisis. If you feel that what you have with your husband is worth protecting, despite the history, focus on that. In other words, stay faithful, but do it for yourself. The unintended consequences are never worth it.

[Anonymous]

I think you're overthinking it. Crushes are not uncommon. I'm in a solid, healthy marriage of almost 30 years and still get crushes every now and then. It's when you ACT on that crush that it's a problem. What purpose would telling your DH serve? What would you expect him to do with that knowledge? Would doing so change your behavior in anyway?

FWIW, I wouldn't expect your DH to share with you that he had a crush. As 11:57 said, it's just a feeling unless you do something with it. If it were an 'obsession' or he were tempted to cheat again, that would be different.

Are you the poster who found out about the affair while on vacation with your family? If so, I've thought about you and am glad to hear that you're doing well.

[Anonymous]

How did you discover the affair? Did he come clean?

[Anonymous]

What makes you think your crush is reciprocal and wants to bed you? Maybe it’s nothing to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Why would you tell him about a crush?
Crushes happen they are not cheating.


Don't flirt though you don't want to put your job at risk.

[Anonymous]

In addition to what has been said I think maybe you started so young with your husband you maybe just don't understand platonic friends. You can think someone is really great and attractive and it not be a crush. And if it is a crush doesn't mean it has to lead to sex.

Your husband willing did this things it was a choice not inevitable.

[Anonymous]

It’s just a crush. There’s no reason to bring it to your husband. They happen.

[Anonymous]

I remember your posts from the discovery.

I somehow got the impression from reading them that both of you were conflict avoidant/ emotionally repressed, and that both of you — not just him — resented the roles you had to take up so early.

Of course you don’t need to act out these feelings like your husband did. But you need to confront them and deal with them. I think both of you may be scared that you’re not really the people you think you are, and maybe you’re not. It takes courage to face that and build an authentic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Flirt and have fun on your work trip

[Anonymous]

Umm you have only seen this guy on video camera, OP. I do relate! I once had a colleague that I thought was adorable on camera and funny and intelligent but his real life presence was a totally different thing. It just totally all fell apart when I saw him in real life. Physical chemistry is… well… physical, and the feelings you have for this guy are based on a fantasy you’ve created of him.

[Anonymous]

Have fun and enjoy your work trip. Don’t tell your husband any thing no matter what happens. Don’t leave a digital trail if something does happen.

[Anonymous]

Are you vacation discovery wife?