Found out DD13’s good friend’s father is on the sex offender registey

[Anonymous]

I’m sick. Found out by happenstance. The girl has been over our house a few times in the couple years they’ve been friends. She’s never been invited over to the girl’s house and I always found it weird. There is no mother, I don’t know the full story, but I always figured that was why they never got together there. Boy, what a shock. The dad works adjacent to my own career and we’ve talked about it in great detail, and now I have no idea how he even has his job. “It” happened when he was in his mid-20s, but to a child under 13. This is horrible.

DD doesn’t have many friends, and I don’t know what to do. Do I still allow them to get together HERE? And NEVER under any circumstances there? He’s always very vocally appreciative when I let his DD come over and when I drive her home, etc. I’m sort of in shock and don’t know what in the world to do on OUR end.

[Anonymous]

I would continue to be a safe space for the friend and keep your home open to her, absolutely. But obviously never ever over there.

[Anonymous]

Every time that you meet a man, do you search the sex registry?

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'm sorry. I will say that given he has never invited her, it sounds like he is making an effort to be compliant. I would never let my daughter even accept a ride from him. No reason you can't associate with the girl, keep your ears open, and serve as a support to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would continue to be a safe space for the friend and keep your home open to her, absolutely. But obviously never ever over there.

I was hoping this would be the consensus, because this is how I feel! She is so sweet and a good friend to DD and I don’t want to punish her for her father’s actions! Thanks for your kind reply.

[Anonymous]

That must be horrible. I assume you haven’t told DD yet? Let DD’s friend come over to your house, but always supervise pickup and drop off (for example, if you’re at work, don’t let the friend’s father drop the friend off to an empty-except-DD house).

I feel bad for DD’s friend. She probably doesn’t know.

[Anonymous]

If your daughter never has any interaction with him, what is the issue?

Growing up I had a friend whose dad was an alcoholic. He has something like 10 or 12 DUIs and multiple domestic violence incidents. That friend was always welcome at our house. I was not allowed to go to her house or get in a car with her dad. It was never an issue. We just didn’t discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That must be horrible. I assume you haven’t told DD yet? Let DD’s friend come over to your house, but always supervise pickup and drop off (for example, if you’re at work, don’t let the friend’s father drop the friend off to an empty-except-DD house).

I feel bad for DD’s friend. She probably doesn’t know.

I truly don’t get the impression the girl knows. I have no plans of telling DD. She’s never even spoken to the father. I’ve only met him briefly, and then spoke to him via the phone when they were younger and needed coordinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I'm sorry. I will say that given he has never invited her, it sounds like he is making an effort to be compliant. I would never let my daughter even accept a ride from him. No reason you can't associate with the girl, keep your ears open, and serve as a support to her.

This is how I feel, too, regarding your second sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That must be horrible. I assume you haven’t told DD yet? Let DD’s friend come over to your house, but always supervise pickup and drop off (for example, if you’re at work, don’t let the friend’s father drop the friend off to an empty-except-DD house).

I feel bad for DD’s friend. She probably doesn’t know.

I truly don’t get the impression the girl knows. I have no plans of telling DD. She’s never even spoken to the father. I’ve only met him briefly, and then spoke to him via the phone when they were younger and needed coordinating.

Good. This is the right thing to do. As others said, continue on as you are. Your daughter will never be allowed there but has never been invited anyway so that is good.

Growing up, I had a friend who had a father who was a drug dealer. I did spend a lot of time at her house and she spent a lot of time at mine. My family and I had no idea and years later he went to prison. All of the kids were nice people and the girl was a very good friend to me all through childhood. If my parents had known, we likely would have only been allowed at my house, which would have been good,
but there would have been no reason to stop the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time that you meet a man, do you search the sex registry?

FWIW, it’s possible to stumble across this stuff.

I was searching a house for sale on our street once and discovered a neighbor is on the registry. That was a shocker.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine got on the sex offender registry for peeing against the side of a building - a little boy and his mother walked by and the mother flipped out and pursued it. A friend's husband was also on the sex offender registry - he got hired as a photographer at a fancy party for rich people. Two teenage girls crashed the party - they were 16 and 17. At one point late into the night they got on a table to dance and one of them flashed him - he took their picture. The girl's fathers pushed the issue.

So I dont' always freak out at hearing about someone being on the registry. Just keep inviting the girl to your house. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time that you meet a man, do you search the sex registry?

FWIW, it’s possible to stumble across this stuff.

I was searching a house for sale on our street once and discovered a neighbor is on the registry. That was a shocker.

I wasn’t even going to reply because I figured that poster was stirring the pot.

A new acquaintance mentioned where they live, and it happens to be the same street as the friend. I mentioned DD’s friend, and they advised me to check the registry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would continue to be a safe space for the friend and keep your home open to her, absolutely. But obviously never ever over there.

I was hoping this would be the consensus, because this is how I feel! She is so sweet and a good friend to DD and I don’t want to punish her for her father’s actions! Thanks for your kind reply.

SO that's what you do. Remember people can change. If your are at all religious I imagine your religion tells you to forgive. My immediate neighbor is on a registry and actually served time (computer porn). I love his wife. He's been nothing but great and kind to my family. I have forgiven. Can you?

[Anonymous]

As someone who grew up in a more unstable home, I really appreciated being able to go to friends’ houses, stay there for dinner, and have some semblance of what it’s like to have a normal childhood.