What kind of person is my husband?

[Anonymous]

I notice that he is very...spacy. He is always either on his phone, playing video games or playing the guitar or working. He does not spend much of his time present and in the moment. He leaves cabinet doors open; if he takes something out, he will make a pile of them on the counter. In the bathroom there are bottles of finished products or medicine that he never throws away. The finished toilet paper rolls are lined up above the toilet. His clothes are strewn all along his side of the bedroom.

His office has tons of unhanged certificates and diplomas. Piles upon piles of papers, books, magazines, receipts.

He lives in his head and does not live in reality. All conversations are about theory, art, books, music. No thought to life planning or logistics.

Is this a personality type? a disorder?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a run-of-the-mill idiot.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him? Are you especially organized bc that’s probably why he married you.

[Anonymous]

ADHD

[Anonymous]

Putting it kindly he’s an absent minded professor type who needs a helpmeet type wife and preferably at least one o f then is independently wealthy.

Less kindly he either has ADHD or a trust fund or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I notice that he is very...spacy. He is always either on his phone, playing video games or playing the guitar or working. He does not spend much of his time present and in the moment. He leaves cabinet doors open; if he takes something out, he will make a pile of them on the counter. In the bathroom there are bottles of finished products or medicine that he never throws away. The finished toilet paper rolls are lined up above the toilet. His clothes are strewn all along his side of the bedroom.

His office has tons of unhanged certificates and diplomas. Piles upon piles of papers, books, magazines, receipts.

He lives in his head and does not live in reality. All conversations are about theory, art, books, music. No thought to life planning or logistics.

Is this a personality type? a disorder?

Could be ADHD. Could be that he is lazy.

Either way, it doesn't sound NEW. Why did you marry him if he doesn't live in reality or think about life planning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I notice that he is very...spacy. He is always either on his phone, playing video games or playing the guitar or working. He does not spend much of his time present and in the moment. He leaves cabinet doors open; if he takes something out, he will make a pile of them on the counter. In the bathroom there are bottles of finished products or medicine that he never throws away. The finished toilet paper rolls are lined up above the toilet. His clothes are strewn all along his side of the bedroom.

His office has tons of unhanged certificates and diplomas. Piles upon piles of papers, books, magazines, receipts.

He lives in his head and does not live in reality. All conversations are about theory, art, books, music. No thought to life planning or logistics.

Is this a personality type? a disorder?

Could be ADHD. Could be that he is lazy.

Either way, it doesn't sound NEW. Why did you marry him if he doesn't live in reality or think about life planning?

OP here...at 24 I did not give much thought to life planning either. At 35 however his spacyness is very concerning. He has no sense of time or life phases. He just exists in his own thoughts and time-space continuum.

[Anonymous]

Mine leaves the cabinet doors open too. I think it's adhd or some crap that's makes sense in their head but not to anyone else. He's content isn't he? But those around him probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I notice that he is very...spacy. He is always either on his phone, playing video games or playing the guitar or working. He does not spend much of his time present and in the moment. He leaves cabinet doors open; if he takes something out, he will make a pile of them on the counter. In the bathroom there are bottles of finished products or medicine that he never throws away. The finished toilet paper rolls are lined up above the toilet. His clothes are strewn all along his side of the bedroom.

His office has tons of unhanged certificates and diplomas. Piles upon piles of papers, books, magazines, receipts.

He lives in his head and does not live in reality. All conversations are about theory, art, books, music. No thought to life planning or logistics.

Is this a personality type? a disorder?

Could be ADHD. Could be that he is lazy.

Either way, it doesn't sound NEW. Why did you marry him if he doesn't live in reality or think about life planning?

OP here...at 24 I did not give much thought to life planning either. At 35 however his spacyness is very concerning. He has no sense of time or life phases. He just exists in his own thoughts and time-space continuum.

If he is the same as he has always been, and you want him to change, ask for change, but accept that you can't change other people. If he used to be more focused and has become more checked out, asking why that is, whether it is reversible, etc. might be more productive. But it kind of sounds like maybe he just didn't grow up the way you expected him to. That happens. It SUCKS, but it happens.

Argualy, if you married at 24 without considering life planning, that would be a fairly classic example of getting married too young and too early before you knew what you wanted out of life, resulting in a mismatch in personality and priorities that maybe could've been avoided by not getting married when you were barely out of childhood.

[Anonymous]

Absent-minded professor

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absent-minded_professor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a run-of-the-mill idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I notice that he is very...spacy. He is always either on his phone, playing video games or playing the guitar or working. He does not spend much of his time present and in the moment. He leaves cabinet doors open; if he takes something out, he will make a pile of them on the counter. In the bathroom there are bottles of finished products or medicine that he never throws away. The finished toilet paper rolls are lined up above the toilet. His clothes are strewn all along his side of the bedroom.

His office has tons of unhanged certificates and diplomas. Piles upon piles of papers, books, magazines, receipts.

He lives in his head and does not live in reality. All conversations are about theory, art, books, music. No thought to life planning or logistics.

Is this a personality type? a disorder?

Could be ADHD. Could be that he is lazy.

Either way, it doesn't sound NEW. Why did you marry him if he doesn't live in reality or think about life planning?

OP here...at 24 I did not give much thought to life planning either. At 35 however his spacyness is very concerning. He has no sense of time or life phases. He just exists in his own thoughts and time-space continuum.

I don’t think this is a really good explanation. I got married at 23. I could clearly see my husband’s strengths and weaknesses because… a 23 year old is an adult. I was an adult. You were too. So now it’s a matter of working with him or leaving him. But don’t pretend that because you were 24 you just couldn’t see what was in front of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I notice that he is very...spacy. He is always either on his phone, playing video games or playing the guitar or working. He does not spend much of his time present and in the moment. He leaves cabinet doors open; if he takes something out, he will make a pile of them on the counter. In the bathroom there are bottles of finished products or medicine that he never throws away. The finished toilet paper rolls are lined up above the toilet. His clothes are strewn all along his side of the bedroom.

His office has tons of unhanged certificates and diplomas. Piles upon piles of papers, books, magazines, receipts.

He lives in his head and does not live in reality. All conversations are about theory, art, books, music. No thought to life planning or logistics.

Is this a personality type? a disorder?

ADHD or just not used to doing house chores.

[Anonymous]

Then, arrange your life together the way you want. This can be very empowering for you. Don't discuss, just act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I notice that he is very...spacy. He is always either on his phone, playing video games or playing the guitar or working. He does not spend much of his time present and in the moment. He leaves cabinet doors open; if he takes something out, he will make a pile of them on the counter. In the bathroom there are bottles of finished products or medicine that he never throws away. The finished toilet paper rolls are lined up above the toilet. His clothes are strewn all along his side of the bedroom.

His office has tons of unhanged certificates and diplomas. Piles upon piles of papers, books, magazines, receipts.

He lives in his head and does not live in reality. All conversations are about theory, art, books, music. No thought to life planning or logistics.

Is this a personality type? a disorder?

Could be ADHD. Could be that he is lazy.

Either way, it doesn't sound NEW. Why did you marry him if he doesn't live in reality or think about life planning?

OP here...at 24 I did not give much thought to life planning either. At 35 however his spacyness is very concerning. He has no sense of time or life phases. He just exists in his own thoughts and time-space continuum.

Everything you've described is classic ADHD Inattentive, particularly "no sense of time or life phases" - that is called "time-blindness" and it is part of ADHD and explains why ADHD people have so much difficulty with planning and keeping up with life tasks and long term goals.

More on time-blindness here
https://www.additudemag.com/webinar/time-blindness-adhd-productivity-management/ This whole podcast series has a lot of info on ADHD all from credible sources. I'm sure if you look at episode titles and listen you will find things that really sound like your DH. They also have a YouTube channel.

The spaciness is part of ADHD brain neurology. There is a TPN network, which is "turned on" when attention to task is necessary. There is a DMN network which allows your mind to wander - rumination, imagination, etc. When you are doing something the Task Positive Network is more active and the DMN is supposed to quiet down, but it doesn't, so we get distracted or we are immersed in our own thoughts. It's a problem when you need to buckle down and do boring tasks but it's a superpower when you need to really think through problems and solutions and learn about complicated things.

Our ADHD brains are wired to attend to and be motivated by things that ate interesting, challenging, urgent or novel. Neurotypical brains are wired to pay attention to things by order, importance, etc. Life planning and logistics is so boring it is painful.

Habits, structure, routine and outside support help (housekeeping, accountants, financial advisers, etc.)