DD having trouble at school but won’t talk

[Anonymous]

DD has texted the last couple days from school that she hates it and wants to come home but when she gets home, she won’t talk about it. She’ll say she’s fine. She’s in 7th grade.

It’s a small private (her third year) and it has been a little tough for her to find her crowd there. But it’s mostly been ok. She has friends, not the best, but she lots of friends outside of school in sports and church. Is there any way to get her to open up?

Right now, I have no clue if it’s boys or girls or bullying or what?? I’ve checked texts and there nothing. She is on snap, which is where all the messages are, if any.

[Anonymous]

See if she’ll write it to you. Like a back and forth diary kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

I know this is hard, but this may be your garden variety middle school suckiness. These years can be awful, but also nothing.

[Anonymous]

I'd give it more time. If it's just been two days this week, I'd see how it goes beyond that.

My son has gone through a few of these phases where he hates school and then all is fine. It's usually something that is bothering him in the moment, he's frustrated, doesn't have the frame of reference to deal with it any other way than "I hate it!". And can't really articulate the problem. But it goes away.

[Anonymous]

Switch her to public if she hates it next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Switch her to public if she hates it next year.

And in the meantime, work on backing her off of social media. Taking it away cold turkey will feel punitive, when she hasn't done anything wrong herself; but it's pretty clear by now that middle schoolers just aren't mature enough to handle it.

If you can find a way to suggest a break from Snap, maybe over the summer or "just until school's out," it might help separate her from the more toxic parts of the cesspit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See if she’ll write it to you. Like a back and forth diary kind of thing.

Good idea! My DD and I did this when she was in 5th grade. It turned out a teacher was making her feel uncomfortable and she couldn't come out and tell me directly, so we went back and forth on paper and she shared a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Love the diary idea! How do you start? Just say “hi, I’m here if you want to talk…”

[Anonymous]

A seventh grader is too young for snap chat. Try to back off that one.

Fwiw my daughter is more likely to open up if I say something like "Saw your text. Sounds like a tough day." And DO NOT ask any questions. It's best if I act totally not curious or even say "you don't need to tell me."

If I start to ask, it's all over and I'll get no info.

[Anonymous]

Middle school can be rough and small privates can be challenging as well. I would try to limit screens to the extent you can, find an easy and convenient task to do together on weekends (ice cream, bakery, Starbucks, groceries), and suggest either the diary idea or a journal and use that time together to let her control the conversation. Finally, I would try to get to the issue of whether the current school is a good fit over the summer once you have seen if/when the behaviors have changed and you have more information.

Our daughter grumbled and complained about school but it just took her being more physically active, journaling and making friends across grades in new activities to help her find her people and accept those friendships that were dying or needed to die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Love the diary idea! How do you start? Just say “hi, I’m here if you want to talk…”

DP. I opened with Roses are red, violets are blue, sometimes talking's hard, so I'd be happy to write with you.

[Anonymous]

7th grade is kinda horrible for most kids. But maybe give her the option to transfer and see what she decides. If she wants to stay, it might not be the school and just general malaise of tween hormones.

[Anonymous]

I will add - plan a shopping trip on the weekend that requires a longish drive. To like a farther mall. Drives are where I get the most info from my kids. It’s like theres no eyes on them and they just spill

[Anonymous]

IDK but it seems posts about a “small private“ never turn out well. I’d never send my kids to one based on what I have read on here. Seems very socially risky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will add - plan a shopping trip on the weekend that requires a longish drive. To like a farther mall. Drives are where I get the most info from my kids. It’s like theres no eyes on them and they just spill

+1 on drives. My DD is in a sport that requires long drives, and this is where she opens up if it's just us 1-1. When we're driving with friends to the game, I just keep quiet and listen to their gossip.