How to address cheating?!

[Anonymous]

DD17 has had a pretty steady boyfriend for the past few months (since around October). They get along well, seem compatible, and spend a lot of time with each other.

Recently, DD had been hanging out a lot with one of her childhood friends (a boy) who moved away and then came back this year. As she spent more time with this friend, I noticed her pull away a lot from her boyfriend, but I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t my business.

However, yesterday I read her text messages (yes, I do it; arrest me) to her group of girl friends and she was talking, almost bragging, about how she cheated on her boyfriend a few days ago at a party. She didn’t go into details so I have no idea what “cheating” entails, but whatever she meant, that’s not okay. I didn’t bring it up with her because I’m not sure how to. But I need to at some point because this is not the child I raised.

[Anonymous]

Offer to pay for the paternity test.

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute - she’s 17 and you’re still reading her texts? And now you want to confront her with the information you got from said tests? And manage her relationship in your own way??

Lord almighty lady get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD17 has had a pretty steady boyfriend for the past few months (since around October). They get along well, seem compatible, and spend a lot of time with each other.

Recently, DD had been hanging out a lot with one of her childhood friends (a boy) who moved away and then came back this year. As she spent more time with this friend, I noticed her pull away a lot from her boyfriend, but I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t my business.

However, yesterday I read her text messages (yes, I do it; arrest me) to her group of girl friends and she was talking, almost bragging, about how she cheated on her boyfriend a few days ago at a party. She didn’t go into details so I have no idea what “cheating” entails, but whatever she meant, that’s not okay. I didn’t bring it up with her because I’m not sure how to. But I need to at some point because this is not the child I raised.

Surprise! It actually is. Kids are their own person despite parenting. I know it sucks to think you hit it out of the park and now your kid is behaving in a way you don’t like. Welcome to life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute - she’s 17 and you’re still reading her texts? And now you want to confront her with the information you got from said tests? And manage her relationship in your own way??

Lord almighty lady get a life.

Jesus. If you think monitoring your child’s activities and discussing their actions with them is “not having a life,” I can’t imagine how difficult your kids are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute - she’s 17 and you’re still reading her texts? And now you want to confront her with the information you got from said tests? And manage her relationship in your own way??

Lord almighty lady get a life.

Jesus. If you think monitoring your child’s activities and discussing their actions with them is “not having a life,” I can’t imagine how difficult your kids are.

At 17?? My daughter is leaving for college at 17. No way in hell I’m invading her privacy like that. And she’s an awesome and super easy kid.
If my daughter wants my input, she asks for it. But to confront my daughter with some info I gathered by literally spying on her? If you think that’s normal, then there’s no rational discussion to be had here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute - she’s 17 and you’re still reading her texts? And now you want to confront her with the information you got from said tests? And manage her relationship in your own way??

Lord almighty lady get a life.

Jesus. If you think monitoring your child’s activities and discussing their actions with them is “not having a life,” I can’t imagine how difficult your kids are.

At 17?? My daughter is leaving for college at 17. No way in hell I’m invading her privacy like that. And she’s an awesome and super easy kid.
If my daughter wants my input, she asks for it. But to confront my daughter with some info I gathered by literally spying on her? If you think that’s normal, then there’s no rational discussion to be had here.

Congrats on having a perfect kid. If you were in OP’s shoes, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute - she’s 17 and you’re still reading her texts? And now you want to confront her with the information you got from said tests? And manage her relationship in your own way??

Lord almighty lady get a life.

Jesus. If you think monitoring your child’s activities and discussing their actions with them is “not having a life,” I can’t imagine how difficult your kids are.

At 17?? My daughter is leaving for college at 17. No way in hell I’m invading her privacy like that. And she’s an awesome and super easy kid.
If my daughter wants my input, she asks for it. But to confront my daughter with some info I gathered by literally spying on her? If you think that’s normal, then there’s no rational discussion to be had here.

Congrats on having a perfect kid. If you were in OP’s shoes, what would you do?

I’ll never be in OP’s shoes because I would never spy on my 17yo. That’s the whole point.
But now that’s she’s invaded her daughter’s privacy, she should keep that to herself and let the 17yo girl figure it out on her own. Like the big girl that she is.

[Anonymous]

I would say that you noticed that she was pretty close to childhood friend. Ask her what she thinks of that in view of her having a boyfriend. Ask what she thinks about exclusive relationships, cheating, etc. Mostly you want to start a conversation to hear what she has to say before you inject anything. She may lie, of course, but at that point, I would stay silent and just give her the look.

[Anonymous]

What is your purpose in reading her texts? If it's to make sure she's not bullying or being bullied, you say nothing. If it's to make sure she's not cursing or using language you don't approve of, say nothing. If it's to police all her thoughts and actions, then absolutely punish her and lecture her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that you noticed that she was pretty close to childhood friend. Ask her what she thinks of that in view of her having a boyfriend. Ask what she thinks about exclusive relationships, cheating, etc. Mostly you want to start a conversation to hear what she has to say before you inject anything. She may lie, of course, but at that point, I would stay silent and just give her the look.

This is the route I'd take as well. The conversation should more generally be about relationships, how she expects her partner to behave in an exclusive one, and how she should, and whether what she's doing with the new boy is crossing any lines. I would not bring up the text at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m going to assume that your DD doesn’t know that you still read her texts. My advice is to say nothing. This is her life, these are her choices, and she needs to live with this one and the fallout from it.

If it were about something different - e.g., substance misuse, assault, etc. - then, yes, definitely say something. But, since it’s about her choices in her relationships you need to not interfere and let the consequences happen.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to stop the thot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that you noticed that she was pretty close to childhood friend. Ask her what she thinks of that in view of her having a boyfriend. Ask what she thinks about exclusive relationships, cheating, etc. Mostly you want to start a conversation to hear what she has to say before you inject anything. She may lie, of course, but at that point, I would stay silent and just give her the look.

This is the route I'd take as well. The conversation should more generally be about relationships, how she expects her partner to behave in an exclusive one, and how she should, and whether what she's doing with the new boy is crossing any lines. I would not bring up the text at all.

Interesting. You don’t think she would see right through that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD17 has had a pretty steady boyfriend for the past few months (since around October). They get along well, seem compatible, and spend a lot of time with each other.

Recently, DD had been hanging out a lot with one of her childhood friends (a boy) who moved away and then came back this year. As she spent more time with this friend, I noticed her pull away a lot from her boyfriend, but I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t my business.

However, yesterday I read her text messages (yes, I do it; arrest me) to her group of girl friends and she was talking, almost bragging, about how she cheated on her boyfriend a few days ago at a party. She didn’t go into details so I have no idea what “cheating” entails, but whatever she meant, that’s not okay. I didn’t bring it up with her because I’m not sure how to. But I need to at some point because this is not the child I raised.

This is where you went wrong. The reason why you are driven to sneak around and read her text messages is you believe it's not your business or you don't have the relationship with her to start conversations about things you can observe happening in your child's life.

Try to work on actually talking to her about her life instead of reading her text messages and then being in a bind because you can't discuss it with her without letting her know she can't trust you.