Weird with neighbor since kids no longer hang out?

[Anonymous]

Do I need to just ignore this and move on?

We have a neighbor who has a DD our DD age. As preschoolers and throughout elementary school they played together constantly. As they approached middle school, their DD became sort of a mean girl (name calling on top of physical hitting) our DD stopped hanging out with her. Apparently she alienates herself at school, too, and DD said she has a reputation of being mean and has no friends. They are headed to HS next year.

When they were younger I was close-ish with the mom. The summer she had a newborn I had a toddler and we walked together daily. This was around the time our older girls fell out. Now whenever I see her it’s uncomfortable. I’m cordial in a neighborly way and wave and say hello, but she largely ignores me or runs inside. She definitely knows why our girls fell out as friends, and knows her daughter being physical played a role. She has to know her DD has no friends at this point. It’s really sad.

But I have to be neighbors with this woman. Do I just continue to carry on as I have been even though she ignores me? Do I just drop the rope? It’s so uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably mortified and thinks you don’t want to be friends with her. Do you want to extend a peace offering? Ask her for coffee or a walk? Sounds like she’s struggling

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing there’s another side to the story than you are presenting or your daughter is presenting. Watch the episode of 30 rock where Tina fey goes back to her high school reunion.

Either way of course it’s awkward for the neighbor. Either she thinks your dd is at fault or she is probably dealing with a metric ton of feelings around her own dds social life and behavior and maybe there is adhd involved or anxiety or depression etc. Mayne try to have some empathy and compassion. Just smile and wave and expect nothing back. Easy.

[Anonymous]

You’re doing it right, OP. Friendly and surface level is the way to go here. She will be friendly back if she is open to rekindling.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably going through a lot dealing with her child’s issues and may feel embarrassed.

I like the idea of inviting her for coffee.

I have friends I’ve kept even though our kids aren’t friends yet it’s also okay if you don’t want that due to the physical issue. Your DD comes first and respecting her wishes in a case with unwanted physical touch is important too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably mortified and thinks you don’t want to be friends with her. Do you want to extend a peace offering? Ask her for coffee or a walk? Sounds like she’s struggling

We’ve had a neighborhood block party every year since their falling out. She just won’t speak to me, no matter what branch I extend.

[Anonymous]

Poor girl! Your daughter should be including her and helping her find friends. It’s not easy starting high school with no friend. I’m sad for
Her.

[Anonymous]

You drop the rope (and to help you) you drop this know-it-all attitude.

Her DD doesn't have any friends! You do not know that.

[Anonymous]

It's okay to be a smile-and-wave neighbor for now. Maybe that will change in the future. Maybe it won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor girl! Your daughter should be including her and helping her find friends. It’s not easy starting high school with no friend. I’m sad for
Her.

Getting physical gets girls ostracized at that age. No way around it.

[Anonymous]

She feels uncomfortable about the falling out. If it is important to you, ask her to go for a walk (by text) and express that you still want to be friends with her. If it isn't a big deal to you, let it go and hope that in time the awkwardness passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor girl! Your daughter should be including her and helping her find friends. It’s not easy starting high school with no friend. I’m sad for
Her.

Not OP’s DD’s responsibility

[Anonymous]

Just smile and wave for now.

But also be careful. You sound so certain of your knowledge of the situation. I've been in the other side with a kid who pushed another kid. Do you know what happened before my daughter snapped? She was name called over multiple weeks. She was told she wasn't good enough to stick with the friend group and if she wanted to stay at the lunch table she needed to change her hair, clothes, start wearing makeup, stop being childish. My daughter reported some of these things to me and I eventually overheard some of it. The thing that made my daughter push the other girl was when she stooped to making fun of another "friend" from their childhood group who has significant disabilities. And then she was shamed out of the group. For a while she did struggle with making friends but eventually has started to find some more accepting kids.

So yes, I'm awkward when I see the other mom and avoid her. She knows about the pushing but I have a strong feeling she only knows a small fraction of the story.

[Anonymous]

there's a certain type of parent who thinks their kid is thriving socially and feels kind of smug about it and judgy/ gossipy about kids and families who are having a harder time. This type of parent thinks they are doing a good job at hiding this, but they aren't.

don't be that parent op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just smile and wave for now.

But also be careful. You sound so certain of your knowledge of the situation. I've been in the other side with a kid who pushed another kid. Do you know what happened before my daughter snapped? She was name called over multiple weeks. She was told she wasn't good enough to stick with the friend group and if she wanted to stay at the lunch table she needed to change her hair, clothes, start wearing makeup, stop being childish. My daughter reported some of these things to me and I eventually overheard some of it. The thing that made my daughter push the other girl was when she stooped to making fun of another "friend" from their childhood group who has significant disabilities. And then she was shamed out of the group. For a while she did struggle with making friends but eventually has started to find some more accepting kids.

So yes, I'm awkward when I see the other mom and avoid her. She knows about the pushing but I have a strong feeling she only knows a small fraction of the story.

I have a daughter much like your own and I appreciate what you wrote. She has a very strong sense of justice. She’s remarked to me several times how grown-ups don’t notice rough things going on between kids. She can often look like the aggressor when she’s been holding it together for a very long time. we are definitely working on other ways of being heard. Bullies do find the weakest link to push emotionally.

I hope that yours has found friends that are kinder now.

For OP I would suggest just addressing it directly. Tell her you miss her and invite her for a walk. She may not know how to break the ice.