If Your Are Divorced...

[Anonymous]

How did the process start? Did you or your spouse tell the other you wanted a divorce? Or did you serve/or were served papers? Did any of it come as a surprise to you even if you knew the marriage was not in a good place?

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty shitty to just serve your spouse papers unless you fear for your safety. We had many conversations over many years and it wasn't a surprise to anyone that a split was coming.

[Anonymous]

Not OP but wondering… if you had conversations about it beforehand, were they heated fights, where you were threatening each other with divorce, or were they calmer conversations where you just discussed that it would be best to split up?

[Anonymous]

I told ex. He was shocked. Best thing for both of us.

[Anonymous]

I left and served papers a few months later. He didn’t hear anything I had to say in the many years leading up and was constantly threatening divorce.

[Anonymous]

Wife cheated. We separated. Sold family home. Then I served her with divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did the process start? Did you or your spouse tell the other you wanted a divorce? Or did you serve/or were served papers? Did any of it come as a surprise to you even if you knew the marriage was not in a good place?

I found an apartment, signed a lease (a friend needed to act as guarantor), met with an attorney to get an idea of what we would need to sort out, then wrote out a proposition and told exDH I was going to divorce him, the kids and I were moving, here's what I suggest, take the weekend to think and let's talk again Monday. This was on a Friday. We talked again Monday night, we hashed out who got what and child and spousal support and visitation, and then Tuesday I typed it up neatly and sent it to the lawyer and asked them to create that as the base for the divorce.

He was surprised but also in a way I think not? He knew things were not going well and something needed to change.

[Anonymous]

He was abusive. I had moved out. The rest simply followed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told ex. He was shocked. Best thing for both of us.

Why was he shocked?

[Anonymous]

Serving someone papers seems like a stupid way to start off the process. You have to work out a separation agreement to divide assets, set the custody schedule and calculate child support. Ideally consult a lawyer and negotiate directly with spouse or with a mediator. Second choice due to expense would be to have lawyers go back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Told me about his affair. We went to couple counseling. He wanted to keep having his GF. Thought I should be fine with that. In counseling, I said that was it for me. Told him to move out the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serving someone papers seems like a stupid way to start off the process. You have to work out a separation agreement to divide assets, set the custody schedule and calculate child support. Ideally consult a lawyer and negotiate directly with spouse or with a mediator. Second choice due to expense would be to have lawyers go back and forth.

OP here. I gave DW a proposed separation agreement and property settlement almost a year ago. She has done nothing with it. We don't talk about anything. I feel the only thing I can do to move things along is serve her papers, but think I will give her a heads up they are coming.

[Anonymous]

Like 24 hours advance notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the process start? Did you or your spouse tell the other you wanted a divorce? Or did you serve/or were served papers? Did any of it come as a surprise to you even if you knew the marriage was not in a good place?

I found an apartment, signed a lease (a friend needed to act as guarantor), met with an attorney to get an idea of what we would need to sort out, then wrote out a proposition and told exDH I was going to divorce him, the kids and I were moving, here's what I suggest, take the weekend to think and let's talk again Monday. This was on a Friday. We talked again Monday night, we hashed out who got what and child and spousal support and visitation, and then Tuesday I typed it up neatly and sent it to the lawyer and asked them to create that as the base for the divorce.

He was surprised but also in a way I think not? He knew things were not going well and something needed to change.

NP. Did your ex just agree to you taking the kids? I have asked my DH for a separation but we can't agree who should leave the house. He wants me to leave but says I can't take the kids. I won't leave without them. I want 50/50 custody so not like I'm trying to "take" them. What do people do in high conflict situations like this?

[Anonymous]

We were in counseling for a long time. I had lost hope a year prior but thought that I would wait for the kids to leave school. Continued marital counseling to help keep the house civil and maybe there was a tiny bit of hope there. Ultimately, through the sessions when the same stuff was rehashed over and over, spouse started to realize things were not going to work. Counselor kept having to reframe the conversations to the present (spouse kept bringing up events from 20, 10, 5 years ago) and said that it didn't appear that we could meet each others needs. And after 10 years of counseling, what did we want to do? We jointly decided to divorce. Still working on settlement. The joint decision makes it a much easier process, but still expect some major negotiation.