Withholding Affection

[Anonymous]

Is it cruel for a spouse to withhold affection? DH has withheld all type of affection (hellos, hugs, kisses) for the past 5 years. Sex is non-existent. I have to tell him it’s not okay for him to walk into the house and have him just barely acknowledge me. I do not know what has come over him but it’s awful having to live this way. He apparently thinks there’s nothing wrong with his behavior because he’s just not an affectionate guy and finds no value in hugs. Even after I’ve told him I enjoy hugs, he doesn’t make the effort. I swear he’s turning into his father. Cold and distant.

[Anonymous]

This is abusive in my opinion. I am sorry. That is no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

[Anonymous]

Mine did that. I thought it was just a rough spot. Then he left and said he wanted a divorce. Then I discovered he's been having an affair for a year, and it was an emotional affair for about 5 years. He was affectionate- just not with me.
Get to marriage counseling asap, but also start investigating him and prepare yourself for divorce.

[Anonymous]

You mention the past five years. How long have you been married? What was he like before the past five years? Do you think he was more affectionate before this, including while you were dating and engaged? Can you look back as objectively as possible and consider if affection then could have been him "masking" a basic lack of desire for affection, acknowledgement and sex?

Lack of day to day hugs is one thing; total lack of any sex for five years is quite another. There are people who don't hug or kiss but still have sex at least periodically. The fact he does neither is doubly worrying.

As someone noted above, this can be a sign of an affair. It also can be a sign of many other things: Depression (which can kill libido and make the depressed person so "dull" emotionally they have zero interest in hugs or non-sexual affection, and just sleepwalk through life and through relationships). A physical issue like thyroid or other hormonal problems. Low testosterone.

Also, did something change five years ago? Was there a big career change, or a death in his family, or you moved to a new area, or...anything? Can this be traced back in time to a period of change you and he might not have realized affected him mentally and emotionally?

I think the place to start is with a serious talk, one you have when there are no other distractions, he doesn't have to go out the door soon to do something else. No kids around. Phones off or away. And tell him that whatever the cause, the result of his lack of any outward affection, from the slightest hug to sex, is killing your regard for him, and you are asking him to (1) get a full physical workup including blood tests (be sure they test for low T, blood sugar, the works); (2) a depression screening; (3) marriage counseling to begin as soon as the other two rule out a physical or mental reason for his utter lack of interest in physical contact. And yes, you need to think hard about whether he is exhibiting any behaviors of someone having an affair--is he gone on work travel regularly, does he find he has to do extra things "at the office," etc.

I know the advice here is usually "Don't ask/confront because anyone having an affair will lie," but only you know if he would likely lie or respond by finally divulging anything that's there. But I wouldn't automatically assume an affair unless you have other reasons to suspect one.

[Anonymous]

"I do not know what has come over him"

For five years??? Why are you still with someone like this? Raise your standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine did that. I thought it was just a rough spot. Then he left and said he wanted a divorce. Then I discovered he's been having an affair for a year, and it was an emotional affair for about 5 years. He was affectionate- just not with me.
Get to marriage counseling asap, but also start investigating him and prepare yourself for divorce.

This is wise advice, OP. It was also my experience that now ex-H became cold, distant and critical when having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

This^^^. Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mention the past five years. How long have you been married? What was he like before the past five years? Do you think he was more affectionate before this, including while you were dating and engaged? Can you look back as objectively as possible and consider if affection then could have been him "masking" a basic lack of desire for affection, acknowledgement and sex?

Lack of day to day hugs is one thing; total lack of any sex for five years is quite another. There are people who don't hug or kiss but still have sex at least periodically. The fact he does neither is doubly worrying.

As someone noted above, this can be a sign of an affair. It also can be a sign of many other things: Depression (which can kill libido and make the depressed person so "dull" emotionally they have zero interest in hugs or non-sexual affection, and just sleepwalk through life and through relationships). A physical issue like thyroid or other hormonal problems. Low testosterone.

Also, did something change five years ago? Was there a big career change, or a death in his family, or you moved to a new area, or...anything? Can this be traced back in time to a period of change you and he might not have realized affected him mentally and emotionally?

I think the place to start is with a serious talk, one you have when there are no other distractions, he doesn't have to go out the door soon to do something else. No kids around. Phones off or away. And tell him that whatever the cause, the result of his lack of any outward affection, from the slightest hug to sex, is killing your regard for him, and you are asking him to (1) get a full physical workup including blood tests (be sure they test for low T, blood sugar, the works); (2) a depression screening; (3) marriage counseling to begin as soon as the other two rule out a physical or mental reason for his utter lack of interest in physical contact. And yes, you need to think hard about whether he is exhibiting any behaviors of someone having an affair--is he gone on work travel regularly, does he find he has to do extra things "at the office," etc.

I know the advice here is usually "Don't ask/confront because anyone having an affair will lie," but only you know if he would likely lie or respond by finally divulging anything that's there. But I wouldn't automatically assume an affair unless you have other reasons to suspect one.

I don’t think he’s having an affair. It could be he’s going through a tough time with family issues, experiences with friends. But he doesn’t open up about this stuff so it’s difficult to truly know.

[Anonymous]

Affair.

The only time my DH did this, he was contemplating an affair because I was working full time straight out of grad school and was pulling 60 hour weeks.

I think I believe him that he didn’t follow through but the reality is I will never know for certain because I was working in person and he was WFH at the time. He became very affectionate after I left that job and hasn’t let up since.

We keep our affection mostly private however.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and he didn’t bring this up until 5 years later. I just thought he was annoyed at me for working at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

This^^^. Have you tried doing more chores around the house?

Have you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention the past five years. How long have you been married? What was he like before the past five years? Do you think he was more affectionate before this, including while you were dating and engaged? Can you look back as objectively as possible and consider if affection then could have been him "masking" a basic lack of desire for affection, acknowledgement and sex?

Lack of day to day hugs is one thing; total lack of any sex for five years is quite another. There are people who don't hug or kiss but still have sex at least periodically. The fact he does neither is doubly worrying.

As someone noted above, this can be a sign of an affair. It also can be a sign of many other things: Depression (which can kill libido and make the depressed person so "dull" emotionally they have zero interest in hugs or non-sexual affection, and just sleepwalk through life and through relationships). A physical issue like thyroid or other hormonal problems. Low testosterone.

Also, did something change five years ago? Was there a big career change, or a death in his family, or you moved to a new area, or...anything? Can this be traced back in time to a period of change you and he might not have realized affected him mentally and emotionally?

I think the place to start is with a serious talk, one you have when there are no other distractions, he doesn't have to go out the door soon to do something else. No kids around. Phones off or away. And tell him that whatever the cause, the result of his lack of any outward affection, from the slightest hug to sex, is killing your regard for him, and you are asking him to (1) get a full physical workup including blood tests (be sure they test for low T, blood sugar, the works); (2) a depression screening; (3) marriage counseling to begin as soon as the other two rule out a physical or mental reason for his utter lack of interest in physical contact. And yes, you need to think hard about whether he is exhibiting any behaviors of someone having an affair--is he gone on work travel regularly, does he find he has to do extra things "at the office," etc.

I know the advice here is usually "Don't ask/confront because anyone having an affair will lie," but only you know if he would likely lie or respond by finally divulging anything that's there. But I wouldn't automatically assume an affair unless you have other reasons to suspect one.

I don’t think he’s having an affair. It could be he’s going through a tough time with family issues, experiences with friends. But he doesn’t open up about this stuff so it’s difficult to truly know.

Is that OP? Was that your one and only takeaway, the affair thing? Come on, OP. Reread. What happened five years ago? Have you told him it's time for a complete physical plus a depression screening? And why are you so afraid to say directly to him, "You don't open up about this stuff, so I have to ask point blank, are you having family or friend or work issues that are making you act as if I'm invisible?"....If you don't speak up, articulate clearly what you need, make some appointments for him, then insist he keep them or you will be talking about a change in the relationship -- how do you expect any change to happen? Get a grip and don't just say, "Well, he doesn't talk so it's hard to know...."

And yes, DCUM, I did say, make appointments for him, if she must. If he's going to be a clammed-up baby, then she has to take charge, IF she wants to salvage things. If not? She can leave and never know if possibly it wasn't an affair but he had low testosterone, or thyroid issues, or depression, or other things which could have been helped if she'd spoken up and not taken no for an answer. FFS, I do not get relationships where people just assume the worst from the start and/or never tell their spouses what they need from them. SMH.

[Anonymous]

Five years? He doesn't like you at all. You are living with someone who wants nothing to do with you.

Grow a backbone and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it cruel for a spouse to withhold affection? DH has withheld all type of affection (hellos, hugs, kisses) for the past 5 years. Sex is non-existent. I have to tell him it’s not okay for him to walk into the house and have him just barely acknowledge me. I do not know what has come over him but it’s awful having to live this way. He apparently thinks there’s nothing wrong with his behavior because he’s just not an affectionate guy and finds no value in hugs. Even after I’ve told him I enjoy hugs, he doesn’t make the effort. I swear he’s turning into his father. Cold and distant.

Why did you marry him?
Why do you want his affection?
What was different before?
Ask him how he feels about you dating someone.