Help me be less avoidant

[Anonymous]

I have an avoidant attachment style. My husband has an anxious attachment style.

He says doesn’t feel loved, and I hear it and I want to change, because I do love him and I want him to feel more secure. But I just honestly feel dead inside, and it’s not like I am deliberately withholding—I just need to be told what to do, and I will put everything towards that.

After years of “free to me” therapy that just didn’t take, I am finally on a waiting list for someone highly recommended (and expensive!!) to help me process and recover from my past (which I believe has driven me to be so avoidant). But I don’t want to make him wait, so for all you anxious-to-secure types, what can I start doing today to make my DH feel better?

We already have a lot of sex. He is not unhappy with our sex life. He actually turns it down sometimes because he thinks I have sex to placate him and he wants more than just sex.

[Anonymous]

Can you give us a specific example of how this plays out?

[Anonymous]

I’m happy to help, OP, but it seems like all you need to do it listen to your husband and do the things *he* asks you to do. I don’t think you need our help here.

Have you asked him what he wants you to do differently? What would make him feel loved? What would make him feel secure in the relationship?