Honestly, how do you manage dual income marriage with kids?

[Anonymous]

Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

[Anonymous]

We are similar. Truly there is no easy answer here. You just have to muddle through. We only have one child and she’s 12 now and it is finally like we can breathe again.

[Anonymous]

We make combined close to $500k- but we both WAH. That’s how it’s manageable.

I started WAH in 2005. Spouse had a day or so WAH- but then since 2020 (Covid) he has full-time WAH (consultant; manager).

[Anonymous]

You hire help.

[Anonymous]

I was the one making the money and ex wife stayed home. She filed for divorce because she felt lonely. Of course filing in her case was worth it because the financial incentives made it so.

I will say find a way to make it work. It seems like for women spending time with their spouse is incredibly important and I get it. But at the same time if the money dries up I am sure some wives will look for an exit also. Anyways the last part was just a small rant lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

Honestly this is so out of touch. 400k salaries is not low pay. I’m literally rolling my eyes at you. Just hire more help.

[Anonymous]

You have to have a serious talk about household tasks and tell him what you want him to do for it to feel balanced and fair. He’s not going to see and do this on his own, as the current setup works for him.

I was in a similar situation years ago and it ended with him taking over grocery shopping and cooking (my most loathed chores) and now I am much happier even though I am still doing almost everything else with the house/kids/managing any hired help

[Anonymous]

You hire weekly cleaners, you get before/aftercare for school age kids, you make lists of everything, and I mean everything that needs doing on a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, semi annually, and annually. Break it up into as small parts as possible. (Eg, it’s not grocery shopping, it’s meal planning, identifying what you need, grocery shopping, food prep, cooking, and cleaning up, these are all separate things). Then you truly split it up. And you let the other person fail if they don’t do it. If your DH wants a date night, he finds a sitter, hires them, makes dinner reservations, pays the sitter etc.

[Anonymous]

Travel less?

[Anonymous]

You hire more help. An au pair is great for split shift; weekly house cleaner is a must. You make so much money, so use it to buy some happiness!

Also simplify: no activities for kids under five; that’s madness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

Honestly this is so out of touch. 400k salaries is not low pay. I’m literally rolling my eyes at you. Just hire more help.

This is likely before taxes and thus not that high in the DMV especially if kids are younger and need after care, early care or god forbid day care costs. I am a fed married to a fed and our before tax income is mid 300s and we are just making it...only because we both work from home right now is anything manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a serious talk about household tasks and tell him what you want him to do for it to feel balanced and fair. He’s not going to see and do this on his own, as the current setup works for him.

I was in a similar situation years ago and it ended with him taking over grocery shopping and cooking (my most loathed chores) and now I am much happier even though I am still doing almost everything else with the house/kids/managing any hired help

+1. I also think you need to travel less. It's incredibly common for high-travel jobs to screw up relationships, even when it's only one partner who travels.

What do you mean you feel like you have already spent a lot of time to support him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You hire weekly cleaners, you get before/aftercare for school age kids, you make lists of everything, and I mean everything that needs doing on a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, semi annually, and annually. Break it up into as small parts as possible. (Eg, it’s not grocery shopping, it’s meal planning, identifying what you need, grocery shopping, food prep, cooking, and cleaning up, these are all separate things). Then you truly split it up. And you let the other person fail if they don’t do it. If your DH wants a date night, he finds a sitter, hires them, makes dinner reservations, pays the sitter etc.

OP here. You are right, if I write it down everything that we do, he is failing it! He simply expects me to make myself available to have sex, to have date night, to accompany him for a trip, whenever convenient for him. If I just quit managing the household, it will all fall apart. He does not even realize the amount of work and energy required from me to organize kids schedules, hire and coordinate helps, cleaners, contractors, pay bills... He even expects me to do our taxes! I think this is a gender issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

Honestly this is so out of touch. 400k salaries is not low pay. I’m literally rolling my eyes at you. Just hire more help.

This is likely before taxes and thus not that high in the DMV especially if kids are younger and need after care, early care or god forbid day care costs. I am a fed married to a fed and our before tax income is mid 300s and we are just making it...only because we both work from home right now is anything manageable.

We do it on $200K or less really, just fine. They don't want to change their lifestyle, which is fine. Its a huge amount of money.

[Anonymous]

OP it seems like you want a life that is impossible to have and are super bummed you're not getting it.

You want a fun job that gives you a good lifestyle and is intellectually stimulating, meaningful, and fun. You want to have kids and want to give those kids adequate care. You want a functional household. You want time with your partner and time to decompress after one of you travels. And you want a relatively low-stress existence.

It might just be impossible to have a great job, great marriage, great family life, great mental health, and great home. For the vast majority of the world's population, it is impossible. Sometimes what we need isn't a workaround to get what we want, sometimes we need to accept reality for what it is and find a way to be content with that.