Being SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Would you do it to support your family if needed? Almost 80% of SAHDs I know (mostly husbands of medical students/residents/fellows), all ended up divorced. What if no family is around and wife is too swamped with studies and training?

It feels sexist and wrong to not do it when so many women do it for their families but also feels risky given the odds. Is it worth the risk of putting your career on hold? I would like to hear experiences of SAHDs?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman with a SAHD spouse and it's hard in my particular case.

It's hard to get rid of those ingrained expectations about the default parent, housework, etc. In the end it rubs him wrong and hurts his pride to be doing almost all the housework, etc. When I'm done working for the day, he's happy to retreat alone to the TV room for the night and feels like he's earned it. Except then I'm doing two jobs -- my paid work and almost 100% of childcare when I'm not at work. He's constantly calculating the total hours of childcare each of us does. And now the kids are in school and he's lost his professional momentum.

So if you stay at home, make sure you have really good communication about how the roles make you feel, how you're going to handle childcare and housework when your spouse isn't at work, how you're going to handle the mental and emotional labor stuff of administering a home and a family life.

Be realistic about your ability to get back into the labor market in your field. It may be better for your relationship for you to go half or 3/4 time at work and outsource more stuff.

In my case we didn't plan for my husband to stay at home but he lost his job when I was pregnant and just --- long story short --- didn't go back to work. We didn't communicate well before this, so we didn't have a strong foundation for an arrangement like this.

That said, my husband takes extreme pride in his parenting and how well he directly takes care of the kids. My kids would definitely have dirty fingernails and uncombed hair much more often if it were left up to me. But I'm more affectionate with the kids and can research the heck out of summer camps. We all have our strengths.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We make it work (for 16 years and counting). Like PP, it wasn't a planned arrangement. I'm an attorney making $1.3m; he trained as a physician and quit during his residency. The fact is I make more now than he would have. Certainly, our combined income would have been nice but we wouldn't have had nearly as much time as a family. I've gotten used to some odd looks when people realize I am the breadwinner. I think it is important for the mom to let the SAHD do things the way he prefers to do them rather than micromanaging. The house is messier than I would keep it, he cooks different meals than I would, and has a different laundry system, but the kids are happy, healthy, and pretty self sufficient. The hardest part for us is feeling like we don't fit in.

[Anonymous]

My husband is/was the SAHD and honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way. He works for himself for some side consulting revenue but earns maybe 30K a year? I meanwhile bring in close to $300K. He’s an amazing dad and does his fair share of housework. Do I wish he made more? Yea sometimes, but I’m glad he can be there for our kid more. And I love my job and frankly he has more patience than I do as a parent….

Married 11 years with a 9 year old….

[Anonymous]

For most men it will not work. This is really a modern phenomenon that's accepted today. Men still believe that they have to be the main providers and they see it in monetary terms ie how much money they can bring home. If they provide child care services, dining and cleaning services to their own family they do not see it as being a valuable partners. Men do not see value in staying home and have the wife bring the money.

[Anonymous]

If this arrangement works, tgen it is the exception not the norm.

[Anonymous]

My DH is a SAHD and it’s hard in the baby years as so many things are “mommy and me”. Yes, he could go but the few times he did, he said he felt like he got the side eye. Your DH has to be fine not being included in playgroups or meet ups as some moms don’t feel comfortable mingling with a man in this type of situation.

We have 3 and it’s nice he’s there in the summer and we don’t have to do the camp rush. I work 80+ hours a week so at this point I just delegate it all.

[Anonymous]

Do it if needed.It can be such a family gift to have a parent home full time but try to at least keep a toe in the workforce so you can re-enter anytime.

[Anonymous]

My bff is a physician and her DH stayed home when she was doing a fellowship and had their first baby. He has worked as a teacher since, so he could be home during school breaks/summer and care for the kids.

She feels so grateful that he was able to support their family that way but she also feels like she wishes she'd married someone else who had the ability to support their family fincancially because she hates having all of the financial pressure on her.

[Anonymous]

My friends have this arrangement. Her husband has quite a bit of family money. She loves her job. Their kids are in middle school and older. I would describe his role as more of a house manager, as they have help for everything other than parenting, and he’s unquestionably the main/default parent.