Those of you who stay together for the kids, how do you cope with the resentment?
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Anonymous
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We are in a high-tension marriage, separated but living under the same roof. A conflict can erupt at any time. I really wish I didn't have to see my husband ever again. However, we have a 13 year-old together. We have already reduced communication to the kid-related minimum. So even if we divorced, I'd still have to communicate with him just as much or more because of the logistics.
However, on the weekends (the only time we see him) interacting with him makes me so depressed that I am hardly able to do anything. I am so hurt and resentful. I see no way out of this misery. I can hardly believe that the man I married 20 years ago now behaves in such a rude and insensitive manner. A small example from last night: he had picked up DD at a friend's birthday party 45 minutes away. H and DD have driven back already 10 minutes when DD received a phone call from another friend at the party. Her parents were asking us to take the girl with us, and they would pick her up at a location convenient to us. They live 15 minutes from us in the other direction, so it made sense to carpool. Five minutes later I called DD and told her in our native language which location on our route is the meeting point most convenient to the other parents. While I was speaking to my daughter, H rudely intervened, saying in an aggressive tone (in our native language) that I should shut up and hang up, because the discussion is over. It turned out that he, because he is not familiar with the map and couldn't identify a convenient location to hand over the friend, had already offered to drive her home instead. That meant 30 extra minutes drive past my daughter's bed time. When they got home he explained that he didn't want the girl to have the impression that we don't want to drive her home. However, her parents didn't expect us to drive her anyway. Plus, our conversation was in our native language, so the girl didn't understand it anyway. I told him that, along with "The girl certainly did understand the tone and manner in which you speak to me." His reaction: "You always pick a fight." This is how he speaks to me often. Our daughter, who is otherwise sweet and respectful, has started to align her behavior on the weekends to that of her father, and more and more often speaks to me in a rude, abrupt and disrespectful manner, too. This makes me so unhappy, I can hardly bear it. A recent thread on this forum about communication among separated spouses made me realize how common my situation is, sadly. How do you cope with the anger, how do you put yourself in a better place mentally? |
Anonymous
| OP here again. I guess the main question is how do you cope with being miserable knowing that you have your toxic spouse in your life for the foreseeable future? |
Anonymous
| Is there zero way you can move out? Sell the house? |
Anonymous
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I understand your big picture issue (totally), but the example you used isn’t compelling.
If he’s driving, then he is handling the pick up and drop off. You aren’t allowed to micromanage it. He came up with a plan that made sense for him. Suggesting a more convenient spot is irrelevant…and he is correct that it was nicer to drive her home. Tossing out the bedtime tells me you routinely concoct arguments based on your own criteria and micromanage instead of step back and let him handle things the way he prefers. You aren’t always right. There’s no singular way to handle any given scenario. |
Anonymous
| And ICYMI: talking in your native language in front of a guest in your car is rude. |
Anonymous
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That doesn’t seem that toxic or out of line - driving an extra 30 mins doesn’t seem crazy. What is crazy is picking a fight about it.
Maybe it’s you who’ve changed? |
Anonymous
| I'm team xDH too. OP should think about how to self-manage her own boundaries. |
Anonymous
| Most people who stay together until kids are out of the house are in good terms and can be good parents together but sexually not compatible anymore. |
Anonymous
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You have the mistaken impression that you’d be communicating just as much if you actually lived apart so there’s no real point. This isn’t true. In your example, you would have been unaware and unimpacted by this minutia. You were at fault here, btw. They had a plan; it just wasn’t your preferred plan, but it had nothing to do with you!
Living together only works if neither really cares anymore so it’s low tension and low impact. |
Anonymous
OP here. Even if we lived separately, we would still need to communicate about our kid for the next five years. Our communication is already reduced to topics about her. I often need to push back on his many crazy ideas with which he fills her head. For example he says that "people poison themselves with food" and he takes around 30 supplements each day. He eats mainly carrots and salads without dressing. Under his influence his own parents now subsist mainly on dietary supplements. His mother now weigh only 80 pounds. My husband considers her to be healthy and a role model. Si this is already dangerous territory. Our daughter is in danger of developing anorexia under his influence |
Anonymous
OP here. Knowing that the friend's parents wanted to meet at a mutually convenient spot, I called to literally suggest one ( knowing also that he wouldn'tbeabletocome up with it himself). It was my husband who cut me off in an unnecessarily rude and dismissive manner. |
Anonymous
| Please get divorced. I was your kid and I have a very strained relationship with my parents because of how miserable they made it growing up. You're not doing her any favors by making her live in this environment |
Anonymous
| Stop inserting yourself!!!! You handled this so poorly |
Anonymous
| Team DH. I don't think I'd be able to put up with the OP, either. |
Anonymous
| Your daughter is siding with her dad because you are difficult to deal with. |