Group dynamics- how to avoid getting manipulated

[Anonymous]

We are a group of women, middle aged who have shared a friendship for a few years. We meet often , atleast once weekly and generally enjoy each others company. Each of us have distinct personalities but we still gel together, though not in all instances, which I guess is ok. The groups composition has changed over years but we’ve clicked because of our commitment to making time for each other, despite our busy schedules. Lately I find myself getting manipulated by one person. She’s fairly younger and a newer entrant but manages to get me to do her dirty work msging behind the scenes, but comes across as ms goody two shoes to the group. Yesterday was another instance, where she did the same, making me look bad but she got her way. How do I stop getting suckered into situations, like these?

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example?

I have been in this situation before, when I was a bit younger (early to mid 30s) and the answer was that (1) I had to learn not to be a doormat and to just say no when people tried to take advantage of my manners or flexible nature, and (2) I removed myself from a group where there were multiple women who wanted to take advantage of me in that way, and the others didn't view it as a problem.

But knowing more specifically how this unfolds might help. In my case, I realized these women weren't really my friends, and just viewed me as like a useful idiot (I'm not an idiot, I'm a people pleaser due to having been hit and neglected as a child, but they were happy to chalk it up to me just being too dumb to stand up to them). So moving on from that group was the obvious right answer and I have zero regrets -- I needed to get hose people out of my life.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm…. What kind of dirty work is she asking you to do? My opinion would be to stay out of it and don’t answer her texts (you are so, so busy). Also, you meet WEEKLY?

[Anonymous]

Whatever she tries to get you involved in, resist. Anything she asks you about, assume she’s going to leave you hung out to dry. This is now on you to wise up where she’s concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a group of women, middle aged who have shared a friendship for a few years. We meet often , atleast once weekly and generally enjoy each others company. Each of us have distinct personalities but we still gel together, though not in all instances, which I guess is ok. The groups composition has changed over years but we’ve clicked because of our commitment to making time for each other, despite our busy schedules. Lately I find myself getting manipulated by one person. She’s fairly younger and a newer entrant but manages to get me to do her dirty work msging behind the scenes, but comes across as ms goody two shoes to the group. Yesterday was another instance, where she did the same, making me look bad but she got her way. How do I stop getting suckered into situations, like these?

So, the new girl is more skilled at being a b than you are, OP?

LOL.

[Anonymous]

You are going to need to give more details. You can't say she is getting you to do "dirty work" and expect us to weigh in without saying what you mean by that.

This all sounds pretty middle school. I don't mean to insult you or say that you are acting childish at all; it's just that unfortunately some adult friend groups do regress a bit and sometimes it can be better to step back from that dynamic, or even completely remove yourself from it. It's frustrating when you have a good friend group but then a new person -- sometimes that "cool girl" lol -- comes along and ruins it, but unfortunately I think that is relatively common thing.

But yeah, we need more details here, OP.

[Anonymous]

Do you not know the word ‘no’? No one is making you do their dirty work, you just sound like a pushover desperate for approval.